Do you not see?

Do you not see how much you hurt me? how much shutting me out hurts? Do you not see?

How can you not see? and if you do why keep doing it? why keep shutting me out.

Im so bloody worried about you! and you can say 'don't worry' all you like but i know you better than you think. Alot better than you think. You know why becase we're similar. We do exactly the same things. In more ways than one.

I've got people telling me that i can't take your hurt anymore. But i can't just leave you. I just can't. It would kill me. I know it would.

Your the only thing thats kept me here and you know what will happen if you do anything. When i go to self harm i stop because of you. Well that didn't work this time. Mangaged to block you out of my head this time. All i thought about was the pain.

I can't take this emotional pain anymore. I seriously can't but you continue to hurt me. Some of the time you have no idea your doing it! that wouldn't matter would it. I guess all that matters to me is that your allright. Fuck what i feel. Its better off i get hurt right? So why don't ya keep on going the way you are. Then maybe i can reach that date?

Stupid mistake telling you anyway. The only date i want and i was stupid enough to tell you!! and what i had planned. Well i think ima change that. Maybe bring it forward.

But whatever.

Hurt me again, come on!! im use to it by now!! push me over the edge!! i want you to do it!! the only person who seems to be able to hurt me so damn much is you!! but i can't just not talk to you!! i can't just leave you!! some im fucking stuck in the middle with no way out!! so how about you push me to the edge so there is a way out?

Whatever

 

I'm not trying to push you over the edge, nor hurt you, nor worry you. You don't know me as well as you think. You think you do, but you don't. Nobody here does. theres only 3 persons of whom 1 is dead that know the REAL me. That entirely know me.

none of you know that I might seem like a person that opens up easily. Well some things I do, but there's so much more inside that none of you will ever know about.

I care about you and hate seeing you hurt. The way you feel right now, as you described in your post above, is exactly the way I've been feeling for some weeks now. I was hoping you'd never have to go through that and I'm sorry for any of my actions making you feel like that.

Don't worry about me. I'm gonna take a well needed break from everything, sort everything out and I'm gonna have some nice holidays and I will celebrate the new year. I'll start over. I don't know if SF will ever fit into the new start. For not it won't be a part of my life anymore. Nor will I be on MSN or Skype.

I will still be available by email as i posted somewhere else on sf.

Take care and we'll talk next year or email me if you like. In that case we'll be in touch.

xxx
love

 

spelling mistake I corrected it in bold

 

I know the way you act. I might not know everything about you but i know the way you hide things.

I know your not trying to worry me but how can i help that? I can't okay? i can't just switch of how much i care for you just like that. You can tell me not to worry all you like but its not gonna change that fact.

If i was to act the way you have been recently and to turn round and say don't worry i doubt you would just stop right? Same thing goes for me. You saying don't worry just makes it worse because i don't know whats going on in your head.

If i don't know the real you why not show me? why not be honest with me? why hold it all back? You proberbly know the real me. Only a few people on here actually understand me and i thought you was one of them. Maybe i was wrong. Maybe you don't know me in the slightest. I dunno anymore.

I nearly had an argument with someone on here over you. Trying to stick up for you because i care so much. But i didn't say anything but i was so damn pissed off at what was said and i nearly flipped out trying to stick up for YOU.

I can't take the way you shut me out. There use to be a time where you could talk to me about anything. Tell me things that you never told anyone before. Where i would be there for you ALL night. Making sure you was safe. Not sleeping to make sure you was okay and if you weren't i was there for you. Does that not show how much i care?

<3 NIGHTMINDS <3

 

believe me Iv been in the situation you are before. I kno what it feels like and I hate the fact that apparently I make you feel like that.

I know saying that you shouldnt worry makes it worse I'm sorry for that. but this is just what I need to get better. a fresh start. Please just be happy for me that I'm gonna try to sort everything out. I just need some distance from everything. I'm gonna sort this out. Please just be glad that I'm finally gonna do something about it.

Im sorry I can't show the real me. I'm really sorry, I wish I could but i can't.
and I don't care about people saying things about me. let them say what they want. I can take a guess of what they were saying but I cant be bothered. I'm used to people talking about me. People do it all the time. No news to me. I couldn't care less, and you shouldnt care either. Maybe they were right in what they said. I dont know. I dont even know what they said. But maybe they were right. Maybe they were wrong. Who cares.

I do very well know how much you care about me. I know it. And I'm sorry for not showing you as much as I care for you. But I can't show you. I just need a break now to get better. You know the emailaddress to reach me at.

Love
xxx

 

You don't make it worse. I just hurts.

Hurts badly. Hurts so badly that it physically hurts.

I AM happy your gonna get help. But you've said this to me before. You've said your gonna get help and you've just been putting it off. So what am i meant to believe.

I don't give a shit about what was said. Their lucky i didn't blow up because i would ofbeen so mad about it. I don't agree with what was said. I dont hear people talking about you like that. If i ever hear someone talking about you its out of concern of how well your doing.

All i want is for you to be happy wether that means im in your life or not.

Its up to you

<3 NIGHTMINDS <3

 

I still want you as a friend hun. we've sorted things now.

I dont know if I'll ever be able to really trust members off sf anymore though. Some people here have betrayed me. My trust.

I've been spending the past weeks giving giving and giving. Giving every single bit of love I had inside me to the ones that are down. I've been offering a listening ear and hugs wherever they were needed. I spent nights in chat trying to keep people from doing anything... and then this happens. People have been talking shit about me behind me back IN and OUTSIDE of chat. Can't they see I've been trying to help everyone here? Apparently they're blind or just dont wanna see it. Fine. If people need someone to use as a black sheep. Feel free to use me. I'll be the official SF Black Sheep. I'm out of here anyway. People who got things to say please say them in my face. I'm a grown up, I can handle it.

Dunno if I'll come back to sf and IF I'll come back if I'll ever be able to trust people (apart from some exceptions) again. I guess it'll never be the same again after this night.

ah I dont care

merry christmas and a happy new year y'all.

xxx

 

Yeah well you need to trust me. I would never intentially cause you pain and you should know that. Like i just said i would NEVER betray you. I wanted to stick up for you. I told you how angry i was, that proves how much i care and i would NEVER betray you. I've been betrayed before, by someone i would of died for. She turned round and betrayed me big time by telling my brother (of all people) what was happening even tho she swore on her brothers like she wouldn't but that meant nothing to her.

You know how bad she hurt me by saying that and i would never wish that one anyone because that hurt so damn bad and it nearly killed me. You know how much i care for you and you should know that i would never betray you like that. Its just not who i am and you of all people should know that.

Just because other people have said things behind your back and betrayed you doesn't mean to im going to. If i ever saw someone talk about you in that way you know how bad id flip out. You know what my tempers like. (how i redecorated my room by throw tipex while smashing up my room )

But with all my heart i would never betray you, i would rather die than betray you like that. You need to trust me a bit more hun.

<3

 

:hug: :hug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :hug: :hug:


Love ya guys

 

I hope everything is alright.

 

:hug: Take care and stay safe hun ...

Joe

 

:hug: :hug: For you both...