Do you really want to die or do you just want change?

Discussion in 'Soap Box' started by Daphna, Jul 8, 2013.

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  1. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    When I was suicidal I really just wanted change. I was tired of the life I lived but I felt stuck. Have you ever felt this way?
    The good news is that we can change our circumstances. It may seem scary but it can be accomplished. I am living proof of this.
    How do you feel about your life and what would you like to change about yourself?
     
  2. SevenEleven

    SevenEleven Active Member

    I used to think about this a lot. However, I have unfortunately decided that I really do wish I would die. I really would not wish that feeling upon anyone else, but there is absolutely nothing here on this earth for me that is worth getting. Things have changed again and again over the years and even when I got the things I wanted, I still wanted to die. It has been inside of me for so long that my brain turns to it as default. I still can't do it though because of the people I used to know who I would hurt in the process. My younger sister and my ex-girlfriend from high school especially. If I do it, they might too. As much as I want to leave, they don't. I don't want to be the one to cause them to go. It's not about guilt, it's just how it is. I want them to continue their lives as they would and I have the power to let them do so. I choose yes, without their knowledge and without any thanks. I don't want thanks, I just want them to continue.

    Thank you for asking and thank you for sharing, Daphna.
     
  3. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Thank you for answering. If you don't mind, I would like to ask you a question. If you would like to share by all means. If not I respect your decision.
    Have you ever considered your desire to die may be a habit?

    I still suffer from anger issues. I just came to terms with it recently. When I used to suffer depression I would cling to anger because it was more bearable. Now that I am not depressed I still get in the habit of clinging to anger in situations that I feel helpless or overwhelmed in. I have three children, nuff said lol.
    Now that I am aware of this I can put forth effort in breaking it.

    This world has many possibilities in my opinion. We all deserve happiness, and love. We all deserve life. Especially you.
     
  4. Moon_Penguin

    Moon_Penguin Penguin astronaut extraordinaire

    years ago when i first having suicidal thoughts was because i needed change. At the time i didnt know how to do it, i felt stuck, alone, scared and angry that i let my life get to that point. Eventually i got the will power to change one thing. Then that opened up a door to another, and another, Eventually i regained control. I lost my bad thoughts and fears, i became me again.Recently i dont know though. Im not stuck nor am i alone. I feel like ive done my bit now. May as well shuffle off the planet. i guess itll pick back up again once my college grades come back and i lose certain few peoplefrom my life, and as soon as i have an animal. An animal lover without an animal.

    This is a good question, i never really thought about it until now lol .
     
  5. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I don't want to die, I want to live, but I want the pain and anguish to stop. And sometimes the only way I feel I will ever be free of the pain and anguish is if I die. But I would give all my limbs, possessions, everything I have and own for this pain and anguish to just disappear.
     
  6. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    I feel like I'd be robbing myself and others if I just quit now. There are so many things I still want to do and have a satisfying life. I just need to change my strategy if the previous one has only led me to no place I want and need to be.
     
  7. mbczion

    mbczion Well-Known Member

    I don't want to die because I want to see my kids grow up, dance at their weddings, and hold their children on my lap. However, right now I feel like the world would be a better place w/o me. I feel like King Midas only instead of everything I touch turning to gold it turns into something else (if you know what I mean):frown:
     
  8. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for sharing. You have such a powerful testimony. You changed and seen that change can be for the better! :)
    I look at life like I believe it is. I am only here to serve a purpose. I know when I die I have finished my purpose. And when I say purpose I don't mean just one purpose either. I mean a lifetime of purposes that tie into one.
    Where I am getting at is this....
    You may feel like you have fulfilled your purpose, but it is more than likely only one of many.

    I love animals too. I love people as well. Believe it or not I am able to see both as innocents that need love, acceptance, freedom, and protection.
    I pray that you get the animal you desire, and that you are able to pick you're grades back up, like I know that you can. Blessings..
     
  9. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member


    Hello and thank you for sharing. All pain has a source. The pain I went through in my suicidal days stemmed from my childhood. I had done some things that I am ashamed of through words and deeds, and others have hurt me emotionally and physically through words and deeds. I tried to run from confronting these problems in fear. But later when I did confront them I found that it wasn't as scary as I feared.The remedy that helped me overcome?? Forgiveness. I had to forgive myself and realize that I was just a kid and all the mistakes I made can help me in the future to be a better person. I was just reacting to my circumstance. Also I sought forgiveness from those I felt like I truly wronged. This helped me heal as well.
    I then realized that I held judgment against those that hurt me and I realized that all we can do in this life is learn through our mistakes and move on. I forgive those who failed to do as they were supposed to. are just learning like me. Long story short...sort of..lol. Facing the painful circumstances, and forgiving them is the remedy to have complete closure. It's the one thing that I find removes the pain. I hope this helps you. Blessings..
     
  10. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Good for you! I agree with you 119% you do have something to offer this world and the people in it. If you don't find it at first try, try again. Your determination is inspiring!!! :) Thank you for sharing.
     
  11. jontom

    jontom New Member

    I agree, I think you are asking a good question. For me I found myself thinking "I want it all to stop" but it wasn't really life I wanted to stop but the things that upset me, all the sense of loss of control. I would like to change some of the circumstances of my life, I am not sure what I would like to change about my character - I am me, whatever that is. I agree with you that suicidal thinking can be a habit that it's hard to shed. A therapist I worked with once said about the negative mental habits I had, "so what are those doing for you?" meaning what advantage does it have to feel worthless, out of control etc - and I had to acknowledge that there is a sort of trade-off. Just as a conspiracy theorist gets an illusory sense of power from fantasising that they understand the machinations of those in power, there is a sense of control in believing you don't have any, that things are stacked against you - it's an insidious habit. Basically it's a getout clause, when you try, nothing works out, so what's the point of trying? When things go wrong I convince myself I made it happen, and that's how I am, which discourages me from trying to make things go right - when things go really wrong, I feel ovrwhelmed with futility.

    Just habit, like a grubby comfort blanket. Mark Twain said "habit is habit and will not be thrown out of the window by any man but must be coaxed downstairs one step at a time" - we need to be patient, not patient to wait, but patient to persevere.

    I don't know if this resonates with anyone, but thanks for reading.
     
  12. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I don't believe the world will be better without you. You have your beautiful family that needs and wants you, you contribute to those around you...
    I know how frustrating it can be when nothing seems to work out.

    It's like you have hit an invisible wall. At least that's how it feels to me. I found that there is a very good reason that this is happening. I encourage you to seek that reasoning out. Blessings...
     
  13. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Thank you for answering my post. I agree perseverance is needed in life. If we didn't preserver in some way we would still be in diapers messing ourselves. That what I learned from having kids. Babies don't think twice about failure. They keep trying until they accomplish their task. This to me is how we all should approach and accomplish everything.
    It's when a child holds onto that first failed attempt that they stunt their own growth. With a little encouragement and confidence they are right back on track. I believe that's what we all we need plus the knowledge on how to accomplish our goals. Thanks again for your participation. Blessings...
     
  14. SevenEleven

    SevenEleven Active Member

    Could be part of it, but I would not be able to throw it all in a bin called habbits. So many different factors are packed together like a landfill. When you say you're not depressed, how did you come to that conclusion? I can't even understand what that is like or how someone would determine that point in their life.
     
  15. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I would love to answer you. My depression was like unseen shackles that kept me in gloom. I couldn't focus on anything but pain, and guilt. I drowned in the feeling of loneliness and helplessness. I turned to anything I could to run from these feelings. I aIso punished myself through neglect, and recklessness. I just couldn't move on. My mind constantly dwelled on my failures, and I held no hope for the future. I only yearned for the peace that I believe would meet me in the grave. I was always on the brink of crying. I moved constantly trying to start over, but you cannot run from your mind. Even on the vices I used to numb the pain only left me feeling hollow and useless.
    I finally hit rock bottom. I knew it was rock bottom because I only had two choices. I could just accept the life I lived and die a miserable lonely death or I could make the choice to turn my life around and give living a shot. Off course for me this meant turning my life to our Creator, not preaching.
    Like I mentioned in a different post, I faced my problems with help from my new found faith. I then learned that the only way to deal with the pain was to accept what was done and forgive it. Painful experiences never stop in this life, but it's easier to deal with now. I now have the tools to overcome them in using grace, forgiveness, and compassion. I am not perfect at it by a long shot but each experience gives me plenty of practice to using them. Patience is also a huge one. So instead of getting depressed and clinging to it. I accept, forgive, and work on myself because I have my hands full with that task alone lol. I am free from getting stuck in those feelings and I have been sober for years. This is why I don't believe I am depressed anymore.
     
  16. SevenEleven

    SevenEleven Active Member

    I am glad you have reached such a point in your life.
     
  17. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Thank you. That is kind of you to say. I am grateful for the overall experience. It helps me when dealing with others and with my own flaws.
    Blessings..
     
  18. mbczion

    mbczion Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your encouragement. I do keep telling myself I need to go on for my kids. I even feel guilty for having suicidal thoughts because aside from being religious (as I mentioned on my intro thread), I keep thinking I was blessed with the two most adorable kids in the world, yet I am thinking about throwing my life away?!?!

    Your description of "hitting an invisible wall" is right on!!!! I can't think of a better way to describe it. I can' t help thinking if I was dead, then my kids would be put with somebody who can take care of them better (i.e. not have to decide whether to buy them shoes or hot meals for school). I would stop being a burden on my parents, my community, and everyone else.

    I guess all I can do is make it through one day at a time, but each day seems like hell right now. FWIW, your post #15 is very inspiring:smile-new:
     
  19. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Thank you for answering my post. I assure you that you are the best provider for your children. I am sure they are adorable! :)

    Through my children I have learned a lot of spiritual lessons. Like how I am to approach our Father. My children taught me that as a child I should be eager to please Yahweh and teachable. They taught me how to lean on Yahweh in the rough times like they lean on me during their own trials to help them make it through. They help me see how I made Yahweh feel when I disobeyed and when I obey.
    I tell my children all day long that I don't want presents. I just want them to trust me, listen to me, and do what I say.
    This is how they can show their love for me because all that I do is for their own good. Your contribution to their lives and the lives to those connected to you in this life can only be filled by you. This is part of your overall purpose. My heart goes to you in your trials. Lean on the rock you are never alone. If you hit the wall pray for the reason and wait. It will be revealed to you. Blessings.


    Thank you for your kind words. They are appreciated! :)
     
  20. JustKindaThere

    JustKindaThere Well-Known Member

    I don't know what I want. I've always said I want to die simply because I'm extremely bored with life... which I've recognised now as being depression, but I dunno why I'm depressed. I just feel like a selfish person who is unappreciative of the life they've been given (which is why I keep my depressive/suicidal thoughts locked up in my brain, I don't deserve help).
     
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