Do you remember when you didn't feel suicidal?
- Thread starter lymeinside
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First time i remember wanting to die i remember like yesterday.
i was 8 years old, i remember walking in the kitchen taking a knife giving it to my mother and telling her "Mom could you take this and kill me"
I remember the horror in her eyes and the instant swell of tears. She asked me why. i didn't even know what suicide was or ment back then. i gaver her for an answer: "Because i dont like it here, i'm tired of not having any friends and i'm tired of crying all night because dady doesn't want to see me"
Well it's 20 years later, i still want to die, more than ever actually, i now know why (Bi-polar) and it doesn't change anything i hate our society.
so no i dont remember what life was before since it's always been with me, i have never known life as a pleasurable experience. Life for me has always been about how much pain and sorrow you can take before you go insane.
i was 8 years old, i remember walking in the kitchen taking a knife giving it to my mother and telling her "Mom could you take this and kill me"
I remember the horror in her eyes and the instant swell of tears. She asked me why. i didn't even know what suicide was or ment back then. i gaver her for an answer: "Because i dont like it here, i'm tired of not having any friends and i'm tired of crying all night because dady doesn't want to see me"
Well it's 20 years later, i still want to die, more than ever actually, i now know why (Bi-polar) and it doesn't change anything i hate our society.
so no i dont remember what life was before since it's always been with me, i have never known life as a pleasurable experience. Life for me has always been about how much pain and sorrow you can take before you go insane.
Well, I don't remember of EVER being happy for more than a minute or two, but, before high school, I was bullied, I felt depressed and disgusted by myself, but, strangely, not really suicidal... With time I went somehow numb, I suppressed all of my emotions...
When I went to high school (so, I was 14 then), the bullying stopped, my emotions returned, but I felt alone and helpless and I started thinking about suicide, since then, for the last 5 years, there were probably no more than 20 days when I didn't think about suicide...
But untill 5-6 months ago I could suppress suicidal thoughts, my naive hopes of a happier life were still there, but a few things broke me, and now I think of suicide, seriously, all days...
When I went to high school (so, I was 14 then), the bullying stopped, my emotions returned, but I felt alone and helpless and I started thinking about suicide, since then, for the last 5 years, there were probably no more than 20 days when I didn't think about suicide...
But untill 5-6 months ago I could suppress suicidal thoughts, my naive hopes of a happier life were still there, but a few things broke me, and now I think of suicide, seriously, all days...
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Unfortunately, I don't. No.
The furthest back I can remember is about age three. And even then I recall having an overwhelming sense of guilt just because I knew that what was going on around me wasn't morally in the Right.
However, although my emotions have always been something of the same, there were times when I didn't feel the need to rid of myself so definitively.
I may have been about seven or so, if I remember correctly.
The furthest back I can remember is about age three. And even then I recall having an overwhelming sense of guilt just because I knew that what was going on around me wasn't morally in the Right.
However, although my emotions have always been something of the same, there were times when I didn't feel the need to rid of myself so definitively.
I may have been about seven or so, if I remember correctly.
No. I wish I could say that there was one part of my life that I actually enjoyed but I can't. It has just been an uphill struggle. I used to look forward to going to college as if that would magically change everything. I thought that if I got away from my parents my life would somehow dramatically improve. Unfortunately I was wrong and not much has changed.
it was probably in eighth grade i first ever felt suicidal..
just..unhappiness...didn't feel like i had any friends and my marks in school were awful...i think about it and believe that my teenage angst was all introverted and put into suicidal thought. i think i always had a happy, candy coating, so nobody really knew what brewed in my mind. the thing that let people know about it was an e-mail i sent to one of my friends explaining myself. her dad found it and told school and they called me to the office and took me on a stupid, useless $398 ambulance ride just to make me wait around in a hospital gown as they drew blood and took hours to get results and figure out what the junk to do with me.
that was the first time anybody ever knew...but this was 'do you remember when you wern't', though, huh?
i've had bleeps and blips where i haven't thought about it since then...but do those count?
probably not..
- Henry
just..unhappiness...didn't feel like i had any friends and my marks in school were awful...i think about it and believe that my teenage angst was all introverted and put into suicidal thought. i think i always had a happy, candy coating, so nobody really knew what brewed in my mind. the thing that let people know about it was an e-mail i sent to one of my friends explaining myself. her dad found it and told school and they called me to the office and took me on a stupid, useless $398 ambulance ride just to make me wait around in a hospital gown as they drew blood and took hours to get results and figure out what the junk to do with me.
that was the first time anybody ever knew...but this was 'do you remember when you wern't', though, huh?
i've had bleeps and blips where i haven't thought about it since then...but do those count?
probably not..
- Henry
Yeah, I do, that's what makes it even shittier. I was 11 and I was past the bullying at my former primary school. I finally had some good friends, a social status, and my grades were still good. But one teacher....although she wasn't the sole cause, she triggered it all. I'm now 18, and still feeling the repercussions of this triggered landslide.
I should have died at 15.
I should have died at 15.
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