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Do you think I'm defective?

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by meme333, Sep 3, 2011.

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  1. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    I feel defective.
    I really don't feel I have the same rights as others to pursue things.
    What I mean but that is basically my rights.

    I was a kid taken from my home, later an abusive boyfriend I left, hurt me again and just other abusive stuff in my life.

    Am I defective? Why do people want to hurt me? I don't feel I encourage it.
    I'm never mean to anyone.

    Please don't say the cycle of abuse thing because I really think that's a pile of BS. I know what is right and wrong. I just don't know what it is about me that is so different that people want to hurt me or simply don't care if they do hurt me.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    it is because they can see your vulnerability hun they can see you sensitivity they can see that you can be hurt hun just as with me they know they can attack me and get away People who harm others have that sick sense of who they can go after and harm
  3. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    You are certainly not defective, those people who hurt you were/are defective.

    You are asking a question that so many of us has asked. Why did this happen to me? Why does it keep happening to me? What am I doing wrong? There must be something wrong with me.

    There's absolutely nothing wrong with asking these questions and having this over powering urge to assume that the fault in some form or another is your own, but the reality is that none of this is your fault.

    Sometimes surviving multiple attacks by multiple people is simply a bad luck of the draw. It's the same undirected chaos that will allow you to stub your toe in the morning, drop a carton of eggs while trying to make breakfast, and later in the day have a car accident. Having a bad day where everything seems to go wrong is nothing more then bad luck that can happen to anyone. Obviously having a bad day and being a survivor of multiple attacks are very different, but the chaos of life, the randomness of life that can give someone the impression of being singled out is one in the same.

    There's also another side to this which is totally independent of the survivor. Animals in nature have an instinct inside them that let them know what animals will become easy prey. That instinct tells them the sick, wounded, slow, and young animals make the easiest prey. It isn't too far of a stretch to assume that predators who are human do the same thing. Bullies in school pick on the smaller kids, the kids they think won't fight back, and the ones who's friends likely won't intervene. A mugger often robs the elderly or disabled. Unfortunately a sexual predator also seeks out the ones they feel they'll have the most control over. This is why children so often are sexually abused. They know it is easier to control a child by fear and manipulation then it would be an adult.

    What happens to the sense of self-worth of a sexual abuse survivor? Sadly but understandably their sense of self-worth becomes diminished, leaving them vulnerable to further tactics of degradation, verbal, and mental abuse. Sexual predators are much like predators in the animal kingdom, they have an instinct that gives some of them a type of sixth sense that lets them know if someone will be easy to manipulate through fear. Some of them can simply look at a person and with a high degree of certainty know if that person is a survivor of abuse. Many of them will actively seek out someone who is already a survivor. They do so because they feel that person will make an easier target, and sometimes they seek out survivors because the sense of power and control they gain during the assault of a current survivor is more gratifying to them.

    None of the fault of being a survivor of sexual, verbal, mental or physical abuse lies with the survivor, even if it happened 1, 2, 3, 4, or any number of times. All of it lies with the attacker. The attacker is the one who chooses to do wrong to another human beings. The attacker selfishly puts there desires ahead of others, so far ahead that they don't care who gets hurt.

    In no shape or form are you defective. Your abusers are defective.

    meme, I am sorry for all that has happened to you. I know how hard it is, I really do. Please try and believe that they are the defective ones, not you.

    You are always welcome to talk to me if you need to. My inbox is always open. :console:
  4. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    I hear what you all are saying.
    I guess I don't see myself as vulnerable. I see myself as stupid.
    I'm usually very cautious and not overly trusting.
    I like to help though and will avoid conflict at most costs.

    I guess maybe they do sense something within me.

    So how do we fix this?
  5. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    I wish I knew how to deal with this, but there's nothing to "fix". You fix what is broken, but you aren't broken. I'm sorry that I can't give you better advice and words of encouragement. :hug:
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