I keep rehearsing scenes of <mod edit- methods>. I gotta be honest... it sparks a sense of extreme discomfort. I have a very vivid imagination .... it makes me feel guilty about how I have let myself come to this point in life. It makes me fearful of the potential journey into the unknown... which awaits me on the other side. My life may be empty, boring.... lonely.... but at least I'm familiar with being Alive .. and in Control. There is virtually no control in Death, and that is the most frightening feeling ever. At the same time, I know that I have nothing to live for.... other than getting drunk on weekends and hooking up with random lesbians. I have been unemployed for the past 2 years, and I am a burden to society. It would save the tax-payer a lot of money if I were to end my life. You're also less likely to become employed if you're long-term unemployed, which is ironic .... considering the amount of conservative fuckwits telling you to 'Get a Job'. If you want people to get a job , it is your responsibility to supply the jobs. I am currently on a joy ride ... I have made it a point to enjoy as many of life's guilty pleasures as I can while I'm unemployed, but I would need to end my life as soon as my welfare gets cut. There's no threats of my welfare getting cut so far, but I've been feeling extremely lonely. None of my friends reply to my text messages. I have no friends.... and they'll only message me if they somehow find out that I'm depressed, by looking me up on Google or whatnot. I go to bars on my own.... and I also figured that if I'm going to die, I want to die a Player.. and make a name for myself through the rest of this country. Nobody loves me. I'm a monster. People just tell me to go get help.... when really, I don't give a fuck about what therapists have to say. I just want someone to text me and ask me how I'm doing.