I first tried to kill myself 6 months ago on my 21st birthday, and since then it's been a complete rollercoaster and I have absolutely no idea how I feel. The one thing that's causing me the biggest problem is that I'm not sure I want to get better. The way I see it is if I felt maybe 2 or 3% worse, I would definitely be completely justified in taking my own life and there would be no confusion or doubt, but if I start feeling 2 or 3% better, I'll still be utterly miserable, but not quite miserable enough to do anything about it. Does anyone else ever feel like this? At the moment I feel like I'm in limbo - I try to make a positive change to my life (eg I've just started running regularly to try to boost my mood), but at the same time I still find myself planning my death and trying to write suicide notes. I don't know how to move on from here, or even which side I want to move towards, life or death? At times I 'know' that I'm going to kill myself that day and I will often make plans or an attempt, but then something positive will happen - usually something very small, like someone smiling at me in a cafe or on the bus, and then I won't be able to do it. While in a sense it's a good thing that I can still feel some sense of happiness, I'm not sure I want the rest of my existence to revolve around the moods and behaviours of complete strangers. Anyone else out there feel this uncertain and confused?