Do you want to get better?

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by confused.com, Nov 30, 2010.

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  1. confused.com

    confused.com Member

    I first tried to kill myself 6 months ago on my 21st birthday, and since then it's been a complete rollercoaster and I have absolutely no idea how I feel. The one thing that's causing me the biggest problem is that I'm not sure I want to get better.

    The way I see it is if I felt maybe 2 or 3% worse, I would definitely be completely justified in taking my own life and there would be no confusion or doubt, but if I start feeling 2 or 3% better, I'll still be utterly miserable, but not quite miserable enough to do anything about it.

    Does anyone else ever feel like this? At the moment I feel like I'm in limbo - I try to make a positive change to my life (eg I've just started running regularly to try to boost my mood), but at the same time I still find myself planning my death and trying to write suicide notes. I don't know how to move on from here, or even which side I want to move towards, life or death? At times I 'know' that I'm going to kill myself that day and I will often make plans or an attempt, but then something positive will happen - usually something very small, like someone smiling at me in a cafe or on the bus, and then I won't be able to do it. While in a sense it's a good thing that I can still feel some sense of happiness, I'm not sure I want the rest of my existence to revolve around the moods and behaviours of complete strangers.

    Anyone else out there feel this uncertain and confused?
     
  2. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Man I know exactly where you're coming from. As to whether you want to get better? The fact you've actually sat down and not blindly thought about simply feeling better encourages me. Depression is an illness and once you're used to it it's hard to get out of that cycle.

    Firstly I'd ask if you're on any medication, if you're not I'd urge you to go see your doctor and tell them how you feel. I'd also suggest you consider what it is that's making you unhappy in the first place, if you can start to figure that out then you can adapt your life to make it workable.
     
  3. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    I'm the exact same way you are pretty much. I often wanna change myself and live a better and happier life, yet sometimes I just want to end it all and not have to worry about the obstacles along the road to recovery. I get upset easily and rarely happy. However, I have my moments where the smallest things will happen and boost my mood. Like today, me and a kind girl talked a bit and smiled. Not much of a conversation, but that had boosted my mood at the time. Even a baby looking at me smiling will sometimes make me a bit happy. But anyways.. like I said, I'm honestly not sure if 'getting better' would even help me, since I have my fathers genes and hes on all sorts of medicine to stable his moods and hes disabled. I often feel like I'm doomed this way forever. But yeah, I wanna get better, but sometimes I don't cause I don't think it will be worth it.
     
  4. confused.com

    confused.com Member

    Hi, thanks for your replies. I was taking antidepressants, but after a couple of incidents with those I didn't really trust myself with them any more.
    I know exactly what the reason behind my unhappiness is, although to call it unhappiness now is about a million miles away from what I'm feeling. I guess that's how it started out though.

    Basically I've been obsessed with music for my whole life, and even though I didn't particularly enjoy school, I was always performing at concerts in bands and choirs, etc. Then I got a place at music college, which was an absolute dream come true, only to get there and discover that all the the people I had previously worshipped and had looked forward to meeting were absolute arseholes.

    I've never had much confidence, but that didn't matter in all the groups I was in before I started my degree because everyone was so friendly, it was just like a big family.

    Three and a half years of isolation and being made to feel absolutely worthless, whilst surrounded by astounding talent (I'm talking internationally renowned musicians, BBC proms, LSO etc, and this is just the students, never mind the tutors) and eventually something has to give. Leaving isn't an option for various reasons that I won't go in to, and death seems the only way out. Every time I look in to the future I just see more of the same, and that terrifies the hell out of me.
     
  5. All these mixed emotions

    All these mixed emotions Well-Known Member

    is there something youre running from or maybe the acid is to strong?

    but seriously check outt the mainstream diganosis; ADD ADHD borderline bipolare melankoli(?) and youre generall health...

    its a shame to waste a good working body...

    bless

    //L
     
  6. gakky1

    gakky1 Well-Known Member

    Good topic Confused, seems like good replies for you to listen to.
    For me, the answer is no, have backed myself into such a corner with all of my destructive actions the last few months have left myself with only one option, not a popular one.:i'm sorry: I'm a bit older, don't know what 'better' means, never been that way so it's the unknown to me. Nice thread though, thanks.:biggrin:
     
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