Doctor or me failing.

[panicbutton]

I was so relieved that I survived yesterday I forgot how bad it might go today. I was overcome with nervousness because I really didn't want to have to tell anyone else but finally got it all spit out (the wall is a great place to make eye contact ). I've taken to heart all your comments about how many times it can take to find the right anti depressant and I thought all I have to do is tell one more person, the other person who knows is sitting next to me, once this is explained, it's all over. Nope, now I get to say how bad it really has been for the first time. That I am scared to be by myself. So, since this is the third one in less three years, I was on the first one for a while, he doesn't want to change it. Nope psychiatrist for me to get me on the right type(s) of medication. And in the meantime? Go drive an hour and admit myself into psychiatric care if I really don't trust myself between now and when I can get in. He says it won't be a problem because if I check myself in, I can check myself out whenever I want...

I... cannot.

 

[Petal]

You know yourself best, if you feel you are a danger to yourself you need to let someone who's qualified in psychiatry know and you need to be looked after. I hate to sound harsh but you have to help them help you. From what I personally have seen from you is respect, nice-ness and a good person. Tell yourself you are just as good as anyone else and your thoughts are not facts. I hope you decide to get help, you really deserve it s*

 

[ThePhantomLady]

I am going to send you a *.

I really hope you manage to make the decisions you feel is best for you. If you really don't trust yourself perhaps you should get some proper help. You deserve the help.
Take care of yourself, please hun!

 

[panicbutton]

Thank you both. Your comments helped a lot yesterday. It's six in the morning and I'm sitting alone unable to sleep anymore which is alright. I'm still here still woke up and watching my dozy animals.

Seeing a psychiatrist is a must. I know that. There's just a lot of things I haven't talked about in a long time and behaviors I have yet to talk about. I just want the stupid pills fixed. What's really dumb is the amount of pills I ready take everyday 70% of the time is a trigger. I hate drugs I hate medications and I hate that it already feels like I take pills all day just to make my body do or not do what it's already suppose to then there is the big handful at night. Eh tangent sorry derailed there.

What freaked me out was committing myself. This whole thing this isn't what I want. I don't want to be like this. Have you ever walked down an isle of toys that you can turn on, and someone does, one at a time, until there's so much racket you get afraid and run? You can't turn them off, you don't know how long they will run for, you just know that it's now really loud and chaos is everywhere. I can't run from my isle.

I don't know when they will sound off. It's a few times a day with unknown triggers. My last one was knocking over a glass of water. It's the weekend though, I'm not alone until Monday. Working on listening to myself breathe and alternate breathing because it forces me to think about it since I'm so far out of practice.

I will get the help, just trying to avoid one of my biggest fears, being abandoned in an institution.