Does anybody else in here feel the way I do?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Chronic, Dec 18, 2015.

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  1. Chronic

    Chronic New Member

    I was always a happy child, not a perfect person, but I am who I am and I came to accept that. My life wasn't great, but nothing to complain about compared to what others go through on this Earth. At 17 years of age I became obsessed with finding truth, reason, happiness, hope; generally a purpose. I began looking to spiritualities like buddhism and jainism to find these answers. I began learning about (and always had an interest in) physics, chemistry, philosophy, psychology. I wanted to know how everything worked to give myself a better understanding of life. Throughout these studies I learned that perspective is very important. Everyone perceives things differently, so there is never one answer. (As it is stated in jainist philosophy - absolute truth is not real - everything exists in different ways through different viewpoints.)
    Anyway, at one time not so long ago I was happy, happy to say that I found what I was looking for within myself, as well as with other people in my life. Soon after I dropped all of my interest studying physics/chemistry/philosophy/psychology/spirituality because it all seemed so unimportant after a while. All it gave me was more questions and no answers. I wanted to know the meaning of life and it seemed to me that there was none. All of these explanations are a product of the human mind, multiple minds with multiple viewpoints. Amongst all of this, somewhere at sometime, I ask myself "What actually *feels* real to me?". The answer was so simple that it surprised me: To Love And To Be Loved. And this site confirmed that to me. According to the statistics here, why do most people kill themselves? A lack of love. So reverse that and what is most important in life? (And what ever happened to Harry Harlow's monkeys?)
    So I turn to charity work, vigilante justice, speaking out, helping others speak out, defending people, helping others learn how to love so they can find meaning like I did. All to show people that there is truth, reason, happiness, hope, purpose. So we can all share and spread love, so we can all love and be loved, and then we could have a world freed from evil. And after such a hopeful story, this is where my depression begins. I try sharing love, helping people, showing others what helped me so much in my life, with some success. But not completely. It was at this time that I realize how ungrateful some people are. How some people can learn to love, but do not understand how to be loved, and vice-versa. How not everyone will see things the way I do no matter how many ways I approach and explain. How so many people in this world are so narrow minded. How so many people in this world are crooked, greedy, selfish. How there is so much evil in this world, that it literally makes me sick. How I do not want to experience and be part of it anymore. Because maybe I have found hope in myself, but I can't find any in this world.
    It seems I just can't escape it. Even on a daily basis. I wake up. I read the news. Someone says "Good morning" and all I can think is "Well thats really egocentric, have you heard any news recently? Its certainly not such a good morning on this Earth, it never is nor will it ever be". By the end of the day someone has to ask me "How was your day?" to which all I can think is "Okay, but what about every other person here with us?". So it seems to me like it will never get better, and therefore that is how it ends. I guess my main reason for writing this is to see if there's even one more person out there who feels the same way. But after so much research I have found no one who thinks like this. I'd also like to know if anyone could help me find a way around this. When I tell friends about this the only responses I have gotten are basically: "When you put it that way, I might as well just go kill myself too". And that definitely doesn't help. You must understand, I would do anything to change these thoughts (except take drugs of any kind). Would you believe me If I told you I'm only 19 years old?
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  2. deb22

    deb22 Well-Known Member

    Hi Chronic,
    You have posted here so I will give you my perspective. The reason you have not found anyone who thinks this way is because you are only 19. Those of us who are older [even though we may have had these thoughts and feeling at young ages] have learnt that changing the experience of anothers life on this earth is not required and in many cases cannot be done without exhaustive efforts and disappointments. This does not mean you don't love those around you but you must accept that their ability to receive may differ to the amount you wish to give.

    Here is a better way [I hope] for you to think about. All living things have energy, the trees and grass have energy, correct, /all animals have energy and instinct,/ all HUMANS have energy, instinct and "ego'. Here in lies the connection problem. All thoughts and responses are first filtered through what I call the "ego"[ the whole self] so to effect an understanding from others cannot be achieved on the level you are wishing for because they cannot allow themselves to think outside of it. Here is an example.

    Get out of bed, do not wash or comb your hair. walk straight outside and to your vehicle. Now hear all your own thoughts going through your head, What if someone see's me? etc. Now keep going and head to Mac D's or anywhere and try and see all the thoughts going around in your head not only from your own feeling but also from all those around you looking at you weirdly or disapprovingly. Everything is filtered through your ego and you will feel and respond accordingly.

    Now on the next day do the exact same thing but go to where there is a group of individuals with -downs syndrome- the difference will amaze you. they do not have there energy blocked strongly by ego and you will find the ease of conversation will not be blocked with judgement. Same goes for a tree or a deer. Their are no good deer or bad deer, because they do not carry "ego". It is very simple but we live in a world losing the connection with harmony. You as an individual however do not have to lose it. It is possible to live in both the world of living energy and the world of disconnected humans. [You will find not ALL are lost}

    So if you are able to connect to the energy of people and live outside of their responses good or bad you will find it a much more satisfying place to be. Nature carries balance and harmony in it's energy and animals will allow you to live in the space between fight and flight, and it is an amazing place to be, I hope you can experience it sometime.

    I also see you are struggling with how horrible the world is and I know it is hard. For many years I could not even get through a meal without thinking of the starving on this earth and could easily get caught up in anger at the greed and inhumanity on this earth. We get stuck in the loop of thought and sometimes it takes a hard journey to escape it.
    I myself original came to this site because I lost the love of my life and got stuck in the loop myself. I still come here to read on occasion and this is how I saw your post.

    So go easy on yourself and others, Humans are blessed with many things but harmony within the world is not one of them. Try not to give up all your interests as they can add so much to your experience of your time on this earth but escape to the balance of nature as often as possible as it will help you tremendously through the tough times and lack of understanding of others.

    You are gifted with an extra dose of empathy and it is important that you do not lose it, the world needs those who have more, their are many people sitting on the fence and it is not your responsibility to change them if they cannot accept the help but don't ever give up cause there are always those that will accept and be thankful for running into someone like you. Just allow yourself to live outside of "ego", to accept the limitations of each individuals perceptions and balance will find you.

    Sorry this is a little long and nowhere near enough said but I hope you get the gist of it.

    Take care.
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  3. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Yes Chronic, I believe that you are 19 years old, I also Believe that the world is a beautiful Place, yet I am sure that you have seen felt and heard all of the things that you described, because there is a balance in life. There is Good, Kindness, Love, Understanding, tolerance and Beauty. I too
    have felt the same things that you do, I was sitting in a High School Classroom, I heard that President, John Fitzgerald Kennedy was shot. I was stunned I was in shock. How could this Happen? I asked, at that same second there was a child being born somewhere! I do not know any of the children born at that instant that I know but chances are I have met some of them, some will never know that they were born at the same time another Person Died, they might never have lived long enough When I was a Freshman in High school, I was home during the Christmas break, I was eating breakfast over the radio the speaker announced that a young man was stabbed to death during a Christmas Dance, he was the Freshman President of my High School class. He was to me at that time a real nice person. he was to me the one person that treated me with Kindness, understanding and respect in High School. I never had anyone, the rest of my life in School that treated me like he did! I went on!
    I did not think it would, it did, it was changed though, never the same again.

    I Was in an Undeclared War, in South east Asia after high School, I saw many die, on both sides. I never knew or saw many of the More then 50,000 that died there, I saw my Share. I was In a meeting in a state building in Maine one Sept 11th day, more recently, we were just starting a meeting when State Police Officers came into the room and told us we had to leave, the building was being evacuated. We left and headed for home, on the car radio we heard that some Buildings in New York had Planes Fly into them. Once again My world, along with many Others had changed once again!

    Chronic, I am So very Sorry that you at 19, feel as you do! You are not to Young, You are not to Old. I feel the same way that you do as well, most of the time, I have felt it deeply, I have said on here that I cannot see beauty in very much now, I know However, that Beauty is there, I can see it in the smiles of people every day, I do not feel it though, I see only Darkness most days now, but there is still Sunlight, I know because I have seen Flowers, they do not grow in darkness! I have seen newborns, I have heard the sounds they make, I have felt the softness of them, From the Tiny Kittens to the helpless little Babies, One that was brought to me while I was Hospitalized for My 3rd attempt on my life, I held him, saw him, according to his mother give his first smile. I cried, not in or From sadness, but from Joy, I saw and felt the gentleness of that newborns holding my finger. I hope that you can come into this SF and see an learn there is more to life, You may not feel it now, it is there, even though there is darkness. pain and Evil there is Beauty, Joy, Love and Happiness in it as well. I hope that you can see it someday because it is there and here and everywhere, Please try!

    You are in a safe Place in here, I hope that you talk to others in here they know and have felt many of the same kinds of things that You feel now
    I hope that you feel the Hope that does exist here. We are here for You, we care about you no matter what or how bad you feel. We are here to help you see there is more to life!
  4. Neon

    Neon New Member

    Hi Chronic. As I have also approached life in a similar way, questioning and studying the nature of our existence, I was following you until you came to the conclusion that the meaning of life is to love and be loved. I'm not saying you're wrong; I'm just saying from a logical approach it seems like a non sequitur. Unless I'm missing something? Could you perhaps explain?

    I know you used the reasoning that most people seem to kill themselves from lack of love; therefore love is the reason to live. But I think that correlation might not be so conclusive. For example I could say most people get jobs to make money; therefore money is the reason to get a job. But we know that is not necessarily the case. It's only the way the majority behaves. And as we know, the majority is quite often wrong.

    Where I was going with this is, if you accept that your meaning of life (to love and be loved) may not be the case, it might explain why you've found no satisfaction in trying to realize that goal.

    Back to the job analogy, if I conclude that the meaning of a job is to make money, and if I choose a career simply to make money, I will find myself dissatisfied. Perhaps even disgusted as you seem.

    I propose that the meaning of life has nothing to do with love, except that love and other powerful emotions may inspire us to keep working toward the real goal. I have my own ideas what [my] meaning of life is, but it would be too much to type out here. In any case, just as you described the nature of Truth, I don't believe there is any 1 meaning of life as we all exist subjectively.

    If loving and trying to be loved has led you only to disappointment, then you have to admit there must be something wrong with the scenario? I don't know if that thought will help or hurt your desire to live, but as you seem like an astute seeker of knowledge, at least it's something to consider.
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