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Does anyone else consistently cancel job/work/appointments?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by shermana55, Jul 19, 2016.

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  1. shermana55

    shermana55 Active Member

    Feeling guilty. I've been super depressed and anxious lately and I was supposed to babysit for a family tonight. I nanny for families in the area full time as I pursue my Master's Degree and wait to pass my certification exam so I can get licensed to work as a professional in my field. Anyway, that's far off because I can't even go babysit for 3 hours tonight! They're a really sweet family and were relying on me and had booked me a week in advance. I woke up feeling depressed and thought I'd ignore it and did some productive things to try to squander it which only ended up making it ten times worse to the point where I felt like I'd feel no relief unless I cancelled babysitting because I couldn't work in this mental state. I've just been feeling overwhelmed by life and it's hard to force a smile sometimes and go to work. Right now I am dog sitting for 3 families simultaneously until Saturday which has me running around 50x a day, so THAT is overwhelming for ANYONE (depression or NO depression!) Small daily activities drain me mentally and I have to come home and sleep to "recharge." I'm entering adulthood and am studying to have a real job where canceling is NOT an option and where I will have to spend a majority of my day at work with no place go nap or escape or recharge (which scares me because an outing to the grocery store is a "busy" day for me!) I have to begin supervised practice which is 1200 hours in a hospital and how can I do this if I have a panic attack if I have too many errands to run or if I'm stuck in traffic? I hate feeling trapped.
    I'm feeling so guilty for letting this family I was supposed to babysit for down tonight. I can't stop thinking about them and how maybe I ruined their plans and how they were counting on me and I want to cry and call them and apologize.
    How can I turn this guilt off? I feel like I am letting God down, a good person wouldn't cancel on a commitment. I don't know how to keep going living in such anxiety and letting guilt weigh me down yet I continue to cancel commitments last minute and run and "avoid." I have become a pathological liar. It's scary how much I lie ("Oh, I have a family emergency to attend to." "I have to drive my Dad to the doctors." "I'm feeling really sick." "My car broke down on the highway, I'm waiting for triple A and cannot make it in time.") Yes I've used all these lies and much more, so much so that I convince myself they are true. I am very spiritual and I do not like that I have become so accustomed to lying. But really, am I going to text my employers or doctors or whoever I have a commitment with and say "Hey, I'm feeling too depressed, sorry!" That's a good way to get fired, ruin my professional reputation, or burn bridges.
    I am on medicine and I do see a therapist but I don't really let on how much of a grip anxiety has on me and how crippling it is. My dad is a recovering addict and deals with anxiety/depression and my Mom has so much on her plate I could never burden her and tell her about this. I do admit that I am anxious or depressed and she has the "pull your panties up" mentality.
    I wish in these moments I could take comfort in prayer but it seems the more anxious I get the harder it is for me to focus and pray.
    Has anyone else gone through this? What did you do? How did you keep a job?
  2. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, maybe you need to start by being more open with your therapist/doctor. As you are already on medication, they may be able to recommend additional/different pills or alter your dosage in a way that gives you some relief. It's really important when seeking treatment to be open; this is for physical illness too, as they do need to have the full picture and understand clearly the intensity of how you feel to be able to best help you.

    There will always be days when you don't feel able to make whatever you had planned, and you may disappoint some people but if you cannot perform at whatever you had planned, it may be safer to skip it. I would like to think that the family may have been able to get an alternate sitter for the night.
    Maybe you can try to assess your feelings more thoroughly throughout the day so that if you do feel that it is definitely one of those days, you give the other parties a bit more notice. Only you will be able to tell really; I know sometimes you may just hope that at the last minute it will go away and you will be able to cope, but when there is someone else involved, do a sort of check with yourself and at least try to give them a heads up in advance that you may not be able to make it.
    This may help you to feel less guilty, as you would have given them a bit more time to try to have a backup on standby. Guilt in itself is not bad as it shows you have some conscience, but you also have to forgive yourself and be gentle with yourself, and know your own limits.

    Re prayer: it does not always have to be focussed or lengthy. If you are spiritual you may agree that it is more a spiritual connection anyway; it is not based on how many words you say or how long winded you are.

    On lying...well everyone does it tbh, but you can try to stick to variations that do have some truth in it emergency/ family or not, I'm not well/not well enough/something came up.

    Is this career choice your own choice and passion? It seems as if you will be entering a pretty stressful time in your life, so I think now is the time to prepare for it by being totally frank with your doctor and therapist and seeing if you can find some medication and other aids that can help you. Please do it now so that you are armed to face those stresses, and this will also give you some time to try out different combinations/pills to see which suit you best.
  3. shermana55

    shermana55 Active Member

  4. shermana55

    shermana55 Active Member

    Thank you so much for taking the time to write out some advice. I have an appointment tomorrow with my therapist and I'm going to be honest with what I'm going through.

    The career choice is definitely my passion..but I do need to prepare before I embark on it fully because emotionally/mentally I am not at the place I need to be to yet.

    I have been on Pristiq/Lamictal since 2011. I am on fairly high doses of both, and it seems that they are no longer working as they should. I have been hesitant in the past to change meds due to fear of a complete relapse/unpleasant side effects, but I think now is the time more than ever to do it so I can start reaching my goals and feel myself again.

    You really helped ease some of my guilt and think rationally though this all. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to share some wisdom and advice. It truly means a lot to me! Wish there were more people like you in the world.

    Best wishes,
  5. neko-chan

    neko-chan Well-Known Member

    sometimes i lie to my friends and say that i'm busy or i'm not feeling well.. just because i don't want to go out with them.. i prefer staying at home.. alone in my room.. on my bed.. and in front of my laptop.. i prefer my own world.. i always feel guilty.. but that's just it i'm not comfortable having any company whatsoever.. so i just stay in my room.. like a coward.. i don't even want to see my own relatives.. i'm not good at talking with people.. although.. online.. i don't seem to have that problem.. i converse with people well.. or at least aw well as i can..
  6. Northern

    Northern SF Supporter

    Shermana: Yes i think you need new meds but you also need stability. Once you are done with school and have a stable job with a regular schedule it will be much easier for you. People like us need routines.

    Cren: There is nothing shamefull with being a solitary person and/or suffering from anxiety. Most people don't go out anyway, you are on your laptop while millions of others watch TV or play video games. I find excuses to decline invitations often, it's not a big deal tons people do that.
  7. neko-chan

    neko-chan Well-Known Member

    yeah.. i guess.. but most of time i find myself.. just literally staring on my screen.. i'll just suddenly stare unseeingly.. like an idiot that i am.. waste away precious time staring..
  8. Northern

    Northern SF Supporter

    You are way too hard on yourself. You are going through tough times and depression is hurting your self esteem, I bet you are not an idiot.

  9. neko-chan

    neko-chan Well-Known Member

    i'm quite sure i'm stupid.. or else i wouldn't let people hurt me.. i'm an idiot for thinking it's better to get close to people.. i'm an idiot for thinking things may probably get better when it obviously won't.. and maybe i'm an idiot for letting things get to me..
  10. Northern

    Northern SF Supporter

    None of those things makes you an idiot. We all got hurted and crave to find love. Odds are very good that things will get better.
  11. neko-chan

    neko-chan Well-Known Member

    i hope so.. well it did get better before it got worse.. and i'm left not knowing what to do..
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