Feeling guilty. I've been super depressed and anxious lately and I was supposed to babysit for a family tonight. I nanny for families in the area full time as I pursue my Master's Degree and wait to pass my certification exam so I can get licensed to work as a professional in my field. Anyway, that's far off because I can't even go babysit for 3 hours tonight! They're a really sweet family and were relying on me and had booked me a week in advance. I woke up feeling depressed and thought I'd ignore it and did some productive things to try to squander it which only ended up making it ten times worse to the point where I felt like I'd feel no relief unless I cancelled babysitting because I couldn't work in this mental state. I've just been feeling overwhelmed by life and it's hard to force a smile sometimes and go to work. Right now I am dog sitting for 3 families simultaneously until Saturday which has me running around 50x a day, so THAT is overwhelming for ANYONE (depression or NO depression!) Small daily activities drain me mentally and I have to come home and sleep to "recharge." I'm entering adulthood and am studying to have a real job where canceling is NOT an option and where I will have to spend a majority of my day at work with no place go nap or escape or recharge (which scares me because an outing to the grocery store is a "busy" day for me!) I have to begin supervised practice which is 1200 hours in a hospital and how can I do this if I have a panic attack if I have too many errands to run or if I'm stuck in traffic? I hate feeling trapped. I'm feeling so guilty for letting this family I was supposed to babysit for down tonight. I can't stop thinking about them and how maybe I ruined their plans and how they were counting on me and I want to cry and call them and apologize. How can I turn this guilt off? I feel like I am letting God down, a good person wouldn't cancel on a commitment. I don't know how to keep going living in such anxiety and letting guilt weigh me down yet I continue to cancel commitments last minute and run and "avoid." I have become a pathological liar. It's scary how much I lie ("Oh, I have a family emergency to attend to." "I have to drive my Dad to the doctors." "I'm feeling really sick." "My car broke down on the highway, I'm waiting for triple A and cannot make it in time.") Yes I've used all these lies and much more, so much so that I convince myself they are true. I am very spiritual and I do not like that I have become so accustomed to lying. But really, am I going to text my employers or doctors or whoever I have a commitment with and say "Hey, I'm feeling too depressed, sorry!" That's a good way to get fired, ruin my professional reputation, or burn bridges. I am on medicine and I do see a therapist but I don't really let on how much of a grip anxiety has on me and how crippling it is. My dad is a recovering addict and deals with anxiety/depression and my Mom has so much on her plate I could never burden her and tell her about this. I do admit that I am anxious or depressed and she has the "pull your panties up" mentality. I wish in these moments I could take comfort in prayer but it seems the more anxious I get the harder it is for me to focus and pray. Has anyone else gone through this? What did you do? How did you keep a job?