Does anyone else know what it feels like...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TheLoneWolf, May 13, 2012.

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  1. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    ... to be with someone and still feel utterly alone?

    I used to think that nothing could be worse than being chronically single (as in the "Forever Alone" meme). As it turns out, there is something worse. Being stuck in a bad relationship, and a bad marriage in particular, is worse. There is no love, no passion. Yet I'm still obligated to cater to her, to take care of her, to share my life, time and money with her, and to forsake all others as well as any chance I have of ever meeting someone I could truly love.

    I married someone I didn't love out of desperation because I didn't want to die alone. Now I wish I was alone and I desperately want to die. Out of the pot and into the frying pan, so to speak.

    And before someone says "you could always get a divorce", I already tried that route. Long story short, it didn't work out, and now I feel worse for even trying. Nothing like a heaping pile of guilt on top of your miserable pie to make you feel extra shitty about yourself. I took a vow, "till death do us part". Seems like that's my only way out.

    Now cue all the stone throwers to call me a bad person and tell me I'm going to hell. That's what they told me at the last forum, anyway. Don't worry, if such a place exists, I'm sure I will feel right at home there. What better way to cap off a lifetime of misery than an afterlife filled with eternal suffering? God is nothing if not consistent.
     
  2. Brokengirl123

    Brokengirl123 Well-Known Member

    I would never call you a bad person or wish you to hell for this. Okay so what you did was for different reasons than to most people who get married...or is it? I am sure many people have done the same on this Earth you know: gone into a relationship out of the sake of company or sex or even someone to have a child with. Not the best reasons. Honestly though, who could not sympathise with you at least a small part, after all not too many people truly want to be alone or die alone in this life (though I get that some do) and hey look at the divorce rate...looks like you aren't the first who has found themselves in a loveless marriage that possibly arose from the wrong kind of intentions after all.

    Difference here is you say you have realised your true feelings and acted upon them by seeking divorce...but for you this hasn't worked out? Why is that? Guilt maybe? I don't know. But there are only two options here really. If there really is absolutely no way 100% not one single chance that you can sit with this woman and talk about your situation and feelings, and come to an agreement, then your other option is like you say to live a lifetime of misery. Of course there is always suicide but I didn't really want to throw that in as an option.

    I don't truly understand your circumstances I know. There must have been something though about this woman that made you decide that marriage for companys' sake was option with her. I am sure there were less desirable (to you) people out there you could have waited for, so why her? Is there any hope of re-ignited something that was there to begin with, even if it was only a fond friendship? Better to live with a friend you don't mind than to be alone forever...possibly?

    Or....are you worried about a messy end? Is this woman making it impossible for you to leave her? Is guilt a big issue? I know it would be hard to break a heart or affect soeone's life when they do not ask for it, but surely after some heartached that would free her up to, so that she could move on and eventually find new happiness again? And so you could too?

    If you were to die she would have to go through that anyway right?

    Sorry if I am far off the mark here, again I do not know the full ins and outs of your situation.

    No one could blame you for not wanting to be alone though. The head does not always listen to the heart. I think actually, that the heart is probably responsible for most mistakes we make.
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Lone Wolf...you are right that it is a horrible position to feel stuck...I am also stuck, for other reasons so I know first hand how awful this can be...you are not a bad person for being honest with yourself...yes, you made a vow, but it seems like that was a different time, with a different set of perceptions...if you find out how to make the best of a bad situation, please forward your insights to me...in the meantime, know there are others who are struggling with similar issues...so please stay with us, as we need company
     
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Yep been there, worn the t-shirt and there is nothing more lonely.

    Walk away, if you can and start again.
     
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    First of all, you are NOT a bad person!!

    Can you tell us why the divorce didn't work out? You deserve to be happy, and I hope there's a way for you to be able to walk away and get another chance at happiness.
     
  6. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the support.

    Basically, I married her because I was desperately alone. I hadn't had a girlfriend in years, and it seems I couldn't get a date if my life depended on it. Whether it's because I'm ugly, socially awkward, or a combination of both, I don't know. I was tired of getting rejected by every single woman I approached. Every. Single. One. Some people would say, "oh just keep trying, I get rejected too, but out of every 10 I ask, at least 1 of them says yes". Not the case for me. I could ask 100 women out, and they would all either laugh, tell me to "F- off", get a disgusted look on their face, or try to be nice and make some excuse about how they'd rather not ruin the friendship or about how they have some boyfriend that nobody has ever seen or met because he's away on some business trip or something, they'd tell me I'm really sweet but "not their type", etc. Basically I was always getting "friend zoned" for one reason or another. It seemed like nobody was ever going to want to be with me.

    Then along came the internet. Yeah, I think you know where this is going. I met someone who seemed really nice and who actually seemed interested in me. Never mind the fact that she could have been anyone, could have told me any lie and I had no idea what she looked like, she paid attention to me and made me feel wanted. We made arrangements to meet in person. Now, had I been thinking clearly at the time, I would have realized that (a) she wasn't my type and (b) I wasn't at all attracted to her. But I was just so happy to finally have someone that those things didn't matter.

    Here's the thing... if you've never been in a real relationship before, you're not exactly sure how to get out of one. By the time I realized I didn't want to be with her anymore, I was already trapped. I knew how bad it felt to be dumped, so I didn't want to do that to her. Plus I had already met all her friends and family, and they all seemed to like me; my own family seemed to like her. I had become an inextricable part of her life. To cut her out of my life would be like cutting off one of my limbs. She has become my best friend, my only friend in fact; she and her family are more family to me than my family ever was; we share a home and a life together. I don't want to hurt her and I don't want her completely out of my life; I love her like a sister.

    And therein lies the problem. I love her like a sister, or a best friend. Not as a wife, girlfriend, or lover. I care about her, but I'm not attracted to her. At all. It's not just her looks; we have nothing in common. Even her personality is a turn-off to me. She's a nice person, but not someone that I want to kiss and make passionate love to. Kissing her is like kissing my mother. It's something I do just because I'm expected to, not something I enjoy. Holding hands with her feels forced and awkward. People are never sure whether we're a couple or not. Nobody has ever said "you two make a cute couple", because we don't. On a capatability scale of 1-10, we're about a negative 5.

    When I finally got the courage to sit down and tell her honestly how I felt, she had a nervous breakdown. Literally. I had never seen her like that before. She's always been a very happy person, and this was the first time I had ever seen her truly depressed. She stopped eating, couldn't sleep, cried constantly, started developing unexplainable mental and physical problems. The guilt from seeing what I had done to her is what made me decide to stay. I couldn't live with myself knowing that I had reduced another person to that, especially someone that I did still care about. In the end, I decided that my happiness wasn't worth someone else's life. Considering that my whole life had already been miserable and that there was no guarantee I would ever meet someone I loved anyway, it didn't seem worth it.

    I've seen marriages fall apart before, and usually when they do, it seems like both parties are pretty fed up with each other. I thought it would be easy, that she would be mad but that we would go our separate ways and in the end she would be grateful for it. After all, why deny her the opportunity to find someone who truly loves her? She deserves happiness just as much as I do, if not moreso. But she never came to that realization. She insists that she is happy with me, and that she doesn't want anyone else. I don't understand how this is even possible. We don't go anywhere or do anything together anymore, and we are almost never intimate. As I said, we have nothing in common. She hates the things that I like, I hate the things that she likes. We agree on almost nothing. How could she be in love with me? What kind of person would choose to live like this? I don't understand... but that's what she wants. And I don't know what else to do aside from honoring her wish and staying with her, til death does us part.

    In the end, will she be more hurt by my suicide than she would have been if I just simply left? Probably. And my intention never was to hurt her. That was the last thing I ever wanted to do. As I said, I couldn't live with myself knowing what I had done to her if I left... but suicide solves both problems. "Cowards way out", some might say, and they may be right. I choose death over loneliness, misery, or living with guilt. So I guess that makes me a coward, in spite of the fact that I'm not one to shy away from a fight or danger. Fine, then all 5 or so people who show up to my funeral can stand around and talk about what a coward and horrible person I was. At least I won't be there to hear it.

    Still, I'd prefer to die a natural death. It would be better for all parties involved, myself included. Though it might be more prolonged and painful, at least I won't have to worry about the potential of going to hell (if it exists) for committing suicide (I might still end up there for other reasons, but that's out of my hands). The way I've lived, the risks I take and the toll I've taken on my own body have virtually assured that I will have a much shorter lifespan than the average person, but that's still a very long time. I'm not even middle aged yet. I could still live to be 50, 60, or who knows, even older. That's a long time to spend living with someone you're not in love with and mourning the love you never had.

    And that's the only thing I want out of life anymore. Forget fame, fortune, and popularity. Forget big houses and fancy cars. I just want to know what it feels like to be in love. Truly in love, with someone who loves me equally in return. Like the Beatles said, "all you need is love". All that other stuff is negligible. I see these happy couples, I watch romantic movies, I hear people tell stories about meeting the love of their life, the way they look at each other, how two people can be so completely infatuated with one another without one of them being unfaithful or secretly wanting someone else... I want to know what that feels like. Hell, I don't even remember what it feels like to be in lust. The last time I was truly lustfully passionate with a female was back in high school, and that was short lived because it was based purely on physical lust, nothing more. To be able to have that with someone AND be in love with who they are, AND for them to feel the same way about you... it would be heaven. I can't think of anything in life that could ever possibly top that.

    Unfortunately, I don't know what that's like and chances are that I never will. I don't even have memories to look back fondly on. I have simply never experienced anything like that. I've never been on a date, I've never been in a relationship aside from my current facade of a marriage. I've never felt both love and lust for a woman who felt the same towards me. Ever. Not even for a day, not even for an hour. NEVER. I know that sounds pathetic, and I agree, it is.

    Also, let me just state for the record, this alone is not the root cause of my depression. There are a thousand other things that have gone terribly wrong in my life, starting from when I was very young. For me, this issue is just the icing on one big miserable cake. I always thought that, no matter how horrible my life had been, everything would be okay once I met my soul mate. She would make everything better and nothing else would matter anymore. Now maybe I'm just naive and delusional because I've never experienced love, so maybe I'm making it out to be bigger and better than it really is. But in my mind, it seems like it would have to be the best feeling ever, better than sex or any drug, better than pride, success, having millions of adoring fans or all the money in the world. The happiest I have ever been is when I thought or imagined that I was in love. Even just DREAMING about being in love makes me wake up with a smile. But that smile quickly fades once I realize it was all just a dream, and that my reality is so far from that ideal.
     
  7. deathangel101

    deathangel101 Well-Known Member

    oh my god im so sorry i wish you the best with your situation and please if you need anyone to talk to you can talk to me
     
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