Does anyone else wish to lose that last hope

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by HomerSimpson, Feb 26, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. HomerSimpson

    HomerSimpson Well-Known Member

    I have been depressed and wishing to die for 5-6 years now, and I guess the only reason I am still here is because that little bit of hope that things will be better. Does anyone else feel that way and wish they would just lose that small amount of hope, and just finally decide to die. I mean it just seems that small amount of hope just leads to more and more days of pain.
  2. nedflanders

    nedflanders Well-Known Member

    I often go out of my way to trigger depressive thoughts, which is conceptually similar.
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    nope, i hang on that last bit of hope with everything in me.

    i've been through this circle in the past. i've felt such despair and loneliness and felt joy, peace and true friendship absent from my life... but i've also felt blissfully happy, been in love, had my talents recognized and praised....

    as long as i have .0000001 % i will keep fighting this illness,

  4. Feared.Desire

    Feared.Desire Well-Known Member

    I could not have worded it better myself. Yes, I feel the exact same way. I’ve actually made efforts to sever my last few ties, but it fails every time.
    One of these days…
  5. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    I don't think there were too many instances in my life when things got better or something happened to brighten my day, whatever I have today is a result of my effort to change my own circumstances. There is a small chance that things will change for the better by sheer dumb luck and if you wait around for it long enough who knows, maybe it'll happen but you would have a much better shot at happiness initiating those changes yourself. I apologize for the blunt tone, my posts have a habit of coming across looking like reprimands. I know you didn't ask for anyone's opinion but I just thought I'd toss in my two cents and maybe you would chew on it for a bit.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 26, 2008
  6. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    I feel like you can read my mind. Yea, i feel exactly the same as you describe. I know that the chances something to change on better in my life are like 0.00001%, but i still live for that. And the only thing that this small amount of hope has brought me in the past few years, is..... pain.
    Yea, i like to loose this small amount of hope that keeps me here, and to decide to die, at last. But, i still have 2-3 more steps to pass before i decide finally. First one is probably in the next 2-3 weeks. Ill tell her, i hope i could... When (if) i did so, my world will be upside down after her negative answer (0.00000001% that should be positive, or maybe less). The second one is probably in a month. She will probably leave the country, to work across the border for 6 months. If this happens, if her plan succeed (it could sound selfish, but i want her to stay here), i dont think i can manage to get through that 6 months without her. If, I in some way i succeed to pass through, the third and final one is at the end of this year. I will not talk about it, its something like my astrologyst said I could find my love by the end of this year (even i dont believe this much, i have never believed in astrology, numerology, but i kinda starting to, I mean, I want to believe), also, she comes back in september if she goes across the border.
    After this, i could easily made the final decision, i will be happy, or I will dont have any hope and ill search for my happiness in some other place, at the unknown...
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 27, 2008
  7. Daze&Confused

    Daze&Confused Antiquitie's Friend

    I don't know if it's hope, it's more like bloody minded optimism, but even that has faded. I still have hope, not for this life, but for the next .
  8. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    dear HOmerSimpson; you put it exactly as I feel. I still have that small glimmer of hope, which is smashed every day. I promised my oldest daughter years ago that I would notkill myself, but every day's passing erodes that little bit of hope. I have been thru detox twice but am failing miserably at getting off the wine. I can't ge past the withdrawal effects and drink to make them go away. I'm on a new med for anxiety but the side effect is drowsiness and I sleep away half the day. I can't get anytthing done and hate myself and my life more every day. I have the means to end it alla,but am so afraid of the pain it would cause my kids and other family members. That "little bit of hope" is a big lie and I wish every day for the strength to just shoot myself and be done with it. loser loser loser:sad::sad::sad:
  9. WhyMeWhy

    WhyMeWhy Well-Known Member

    My "last hope" is to fix all the problems in my life and fix the problems of others that affect my life. I can't lose..... can't give up..... I'm not unlike Goku.... I know I can do it..... they just have to hold on. I think I can do it.... I won't let myself lose hope! DBZ has tought me well :yes: (for those unfamiliar DBZ is an anime where a character named Goku makes everything better for everyone).
  10. EllieThade

    EllieThade Antiquities Friend

    I suppose I have some hope. My therapist keeps asking me why I come to see him. And I tell him that I guess I hope he'll change my mind one day. I actually don't think things will get better. There have been up times and down times. More down times than not. But it always comes back. I always want to end it. Most of the time I'm on contract with my therapist and that keeps me from doing anything stupid (most of the time, anyway). And I try to think of my daughter and my mother and what it would do to them. (Notice I'm not mentioning my husband...) I've recently made a 'decision' to stay 'safe' until my step-son gets married in Sept. I wonder sometimes if I'll be able to stick to that or not.

    Anyway, to answer your question, YES, I would like to lose that small amount of hope. I want to lose the caring I have for other people's feelings so that I could just get it over with without hurting anyone but myself. Life is torture. Thinking is torture.
  11. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    living is torture. so awful I wish I had no relative or friends
  12. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    interesting question...but for me it is not even about "hope" or "lack of hope".

    i've been waiting to die since i was 17 (i'm 34 now). there was the "hope" thing earlier in life...but that has died and it has been about staying alive out of "obligation" to others. in other words, i have stayed alive because i believe i "have to be", not because i want to be. if i had no family, i'd have gone long ago. but because out of obligation to them, i am still here.

    the family has been the most difficult part to get by because i'm 100% certain they will not understand.

    but sometimes things need to be done even if they are painful and difficult. like my death.

    i liken it to going to the dentist to get a cavity drilled. you fear it, get a lot of anxiety over it, but you go anyway because it is for the greater good. that's all i'm working to overcome now.

    but EVERYTIME i think of my method and doing it (having practiced it many times) i have a high confidence that it will be effective and i get the most calming and uplifting peace. i get a "giddy and happy" feel each time i think of me drifting away. yeah, i think "giddy" is the word that describes it perfectly. but then of course there is some anxiety mixed in...the pesky "survial instinct" that has been built into us. but there are no "wooly mammoths" to run away from anymore. i think that survial instinct is antiquated.

    i really don't understand why the world and life is designed that way => the survive at all costs thing.
  13. almosteasy

    almosteasy Well-Known Member

    Yes, I know exactly what you mean. Somedays I wished that I could feel better but most days I wanted to lose the last but of hope. But that was before, I lost that hope a while back, now I'm just waiting so I can tie up some loose ends. Then I'm gonna do it.
  14. sophie5121

    sophie5121 Well-Known Member

    oh so true.. i just wish the hope would go away and then id be gone for sure
  15. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    All hope makes me say is why bother.
  16. jlook1978

    jlook1978 New Member

    Hope plays a small role for me, but that has become fleeting at best. I have a lot of family and friends and I feel a certain obligation to live because I do not want to hurt them. However, at some point I do believe that the anguish of merely existing is going to continue building to a point where I can no longer bear it and then my need to end my life will be overwhelming. Sometimes there are no good choices, but you still have to choose.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.