I'm going to go to a meeting tomorrow, not quite sure what to expect. I've been going to AA/NA for several years so the steps are familiar to me. They are only working to an extent though, this constant fear of abandonment and trauma from the end of my relationship are not leaving me alone. I think it's time to admit that I'm powerless over my relationships and myself. I've been living most of my life seeking approval and validation, doing anything to avoid being abandoned or rejected. When it ultimately happens (or even just the perceived rejection) I'm emotionally in ruins. I can see that this intense anxiety and fear is me reliving the painful memories from my childhood. When it happens I get lost in that feeling and create future predictions that this will always happen, adding further to the anxiety to the point of total despair. I harbored deep resentment and anger towards my parents for a long time, I thought I had come to terms with my childhood but the same behaviors are still there. It seems I've just been in denial and transferred that resentment and anger towards myself instead. When I look honestly at it I start to understand that I have major difficulties liking myself, so much that I'm really quite unsure about my place in the world. When I think of who I am there is mostly a blurry and distorted image. It's not that I can't recognize my strengths and weaknesses but I can't feel them at the core. It's more of a mind made image, what I think I am but inside I'm still unsure. I was bullied a lot in school the first 6 years and for a long time I thought that was the big issue. Looking back now I have gotten over that pretty well, the real problem was the lack of security at home and the constant verbal abuse. I was already suicidal when I was 10 years old, I can still remember the pain vividly. It was a day when the whole class had participated in mockery of me. Walking home I could feel just complete emptiness. Normally home would be a safe haven to run to, for me it was hell. Knowing that I would just be ignored or berated for being a pathetic little crybaby I just wanted it to end. There's was a dangerous crossroad on the path home, I stopped in the middle of the intersection and closed my eyes. I was ready to die. As I stood there a moment I started to get afraid so I moved on home. What waited me at home? Exactly what I had feared, me crying helplessly and my parents yelling at me. This really cements how the atmosphere was at home. It was never safe, I was always reminded how worthless I am, how I am the cause of all the dysfunction in the family, how I'm a piece of shit. Many years later as an adult even though I hadn't lived a home for a long time. I was staying there temporarily when my mom tried to commit suicide, I got a call from my dad saying "I hope you're happy now". It was my fault too. There's plenty more that happened, a lot of it I don't remember anymore.