Does anyone have any advice on dealing with feelings of isolation and loneliness?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by SarahL, Mar 8, 2015.

  1. SarahL

    SarahL Member

    I'm new here and I'm not entirely sure this is in the right section, but I was wondering if anyone has any advice for feeling isolated and alone? I've been unemployed for a while now so I have nothing to do each and every day, and now my best friend, the person I talk to and rely on most, has got a new man in her life and she hasn't been in contact with me very much at all. I'm aware that I should go out and make new friends, but I really want someone I can talk to, and obviously you can't just spill all your problems to someone right at the start of a friendship. I also live in a very rural area and there are hardly any people my age (twenty-something). I just don't know what to do.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Sarah, I am willing to be your friend if you want, I'm 26 and female. I know it's hard to say right off the bat that you need support but here that's totally accepted that is what we're here for.

    I'm alone most of the time but it doesn't bother me very much, I can't do or say anything stupid if I'm alone. The internet saves me from going loopy lol.

    Sorry you are feeling so isolated. Keep talking to us here Sarah, we care here <3

    Also.. you asked for some advice, just try and keep yourself busy and entertained, don't shut off all of real life things, try and get out for walks, I know you said there isn't many people your age there, I'm the type of person to get along with people any age, maybe even talking to older people might be beneficial :)
  3. SarahL

    SarahL Member

    Hi Petal,
    That is so kind of you, thanks, I would love to be your friend :)
    Being alone doesn't normally bother me too much either, I think it's just because my best friend is no longer around it feels cripplingly lonely, which is stupid really because we met at university and normally stay in contact via text not even seeing each other face-to-face that often due to distance.
    Thank you also for the advice, I guess it wouldn't be so terrible to hang out with the old folks :p
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You are very welcome and if you'd like my e-mail you can message me as we can't share our e-mails on the forum. Have you thought about volunteering or are you too rural for that? Last year I volunteered for 8 months and it really kept me on track and gave me something to get up each day for and it did me a lot of good, suffering with tummy trouble and had to have a cystoscopy in January so I'm just trying to get my health in shape.
    Changes can be hard, maybe drop your friend a text and let her know you are thinking of her. There should be lots of different things coming up for st.patricks day, (I live in Ireland but know it's celebrated in most places too), so maybe you can do something then?

    You seem like a really sweet person!! Hugs :) :hug:
  5. SarahL

    SarahL Member

    I'm not too rural for volunteering actually, I volunteered one summer at a local charity shop which was okay, not the most fun ever but it did keep me busy. I'm not sure the rules regarding that though as I'm on job seekers allowance at the moment and am supposed to be available for interviews at very short notice. I will make sure to ask at my next meeting though as it would definitely be better than nothing.

    As for sending her a text, I did try and tell her how I was feeling, but I think it might have made her feel a bit uncomfortable because she sort of gave me a half-hearted reassurance and then didn't reply for a very long time. The last thing I want to do is push her away more so it''s a tough situation to be in :(

    Thank you for the offer of the email, I will try and figure out how to message you now :p You seem like a really sweet person too, thank you for being so kind to me, it really means a lot :)
  6. pirategirl

    pirategirl Active Member

    Hey :) I just wanted to say ... I know how loneliness is. I live in an urban area but I'm terrible at getting to know people, and my best friend has just acquired a new girlfriend so she's not around to talk to much at the moment. Volunteering sounds like a good idea. Are there any kinds of clubs or gatherings in your area? Book clubs, knitting groups, walking groups - whatever you're into! That could be a good way of getting to know people. But like you say, you have to get to know them before you can really talk to them.
  7. SarahL

    SarahL Member

    Hiya Pirategirl,
    Yeah to be honest I think I would be having similar problems in an urban area too, so don't feel bad! Its quite comforting to know someone else is in a similar situation :) And there are a couple, but when I checked out the websites its mainly older folk who go to them (50-70), which makes me a bit uncomfortable because they have known each other for years, and will be able to talk to each other about things which aren't really relevant to me :/
  8. pirategirl

    pirategirl Active Member

    Ah, fair enough. Yeah, I think it would be hard to break into a tight-knit circle like that... I don't have any other useful ideas, I'm afraid! But keep talking here if it helps. I'll be here to listen.
  9. SarahL

    SarahL Member

    Thank you, it's nice just knowing someone will be available to listen to be honest, and it's not like I was seeing my friend face to face often, so messages on a forum are just as useful to me as texts really
  10. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I'm mostly in the same situation...small town, no friends to spend time with, no one to talk to, don't get out much. But I am trying to do that more, especially with warmer weather around the corner. My therapist suggested for me to attend a group with his other patients, and it is nice to sit and talk for a while. :) Maybe you can find some sort of group or something fun to do in your area. And if you ever need to talk, my inbox is always open :)
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Yeah maybe look for something you can volunteer for or fund raise for, you'll get to socialise then too. Be sure to ask at the meeting, it would do you a lot of good and look good on a CV too.

    As for the isolation and loneliness...forums,reading, think of anywhere you can meet people for fun, maybe even go to the bar but don't drink if you're on medication, I spent a good 3 hours in the bar tonight and it's been the best night in a long time, I do not drink, it doesn't agree with me plus I am on many medications.

    Maybe go somewhere on a bus or train just to get out of the house.

    I just replied to your message, I'm glad to be your friend Sarah, you seem like a lovely person!! Hugs :hug:
  12. SarahL

    SarahL Member

    I'm sorry you're in the same situation :( Its nice you have somewhere to go and talk to people though, I'm going to try and research a bit more things I could do today to meet people roughly my age. I figured volunteering for more active causes like tree planting or something might be the way to go? I figured maybe fewer older people would do this?!
  13. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Where are you from sarah? I like your ideas on volunteering, another good one is the samaritans (if you're fairly stable). Try and do something today, even if its only exercise, i did my walk at around 7 am lol just back from the doctors now had a good appointment :)
  14. SarahL

    SarahL Member

    I'm afraid there are no bars where I live :( The closest big town with bars is a good 40 minutes away by bus, and the buses stop running at night :p Hardly ideal!
    I will definatley consider the other advice though. Thank you for the support, I' glad to be your friend too :D
  15. SarahL

    SarahL Member

    England, Essex to be specific (don't judge :p).
    Yeah I took the dog out today - not far just to the ATM and then I had a short driving lesson, so I'm feeling better than yesterday :)
    I'm glad your doctors appointment went well :)
  16. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    Wow, exact same boat as me. Down to living in bat-shit no where. I have a part-time job, but I work alone.

    You can either go out of your way to look for new people & just don't bring up personal issues right off. (Trust me)

    or use your time to work out your personal issues. Learn to love your self, like fine wine. Study social skills, build up your confidence, think out your problems, learn how to make your self good company.

    You can be completely alone & not feel lonely in the slightest. Just love your self to the point, that you are glowing with self esteem. That attracts other people too.
  17. SarahL

    SarahL Member

    Yeah I guess the part about being able to be alone and not feel lonely makes complete sense, especially seeing as sometimes it can go the other way - you can be in an entire room of people and still feeling crushingly alone.

    I think a mixture of the two pieces of advice would be good here, balance is good right?! Figuring out how to love myself might be a bit trickier tho, but I'll give anything a go once! Any advice on how to go about it?! I had to do a weird self-affirmation thing in therapy once and it only succeeded in making me cry :p
  18. pirategirl

    pirategirl Active Member

    With learning to love yourself, my therapist told me to start small... so when I have negative thoughts about myself, to counter them with more positive ones. Like I drop something and immediately think "I'm useless" - then to counter that and say "I'm not useless, everyone drops things, it was just an accident and it doesn't matter" to myself. it's a small way of starting out but maybe helpful.
  19. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    Certainly, my fine comrade!

    It's a daily process. That's very important to remember. Start by "blocking" negative thoughts about your self. Just cut them off if you find them coming through.

    Start finding good things about yourself. Are you funny? Crack jokes (no one else needs to hear, yet they are still zingers) do you like how you look? Verbally compliment your self in the mirror. Just say how great you look when you go out (without 'disturbing' others haha) keep focusing on why you're so damn perfect. As you are :D

    Hone in on any good traights you have. Own them! Those are your special traits!

    Switch time from worrying/ stress to reminding your self why you are so special. It should eventually start to repair your inner-focus. (As opposed to worrying about what others might think)

    Find hobbies. Things you love doing. Then, do them! When ever you want! Don't eat your bank, but, stuff like walking is free. It releases little pleasure hormones in your brain. Then you're focused on your thoughts & the activity, not being alone.

    Talk to your self. (Not publicly) but just ask your self big-questions. What makes up matter? Or get your own opinions out. Ask your self why you follow one political movement, but not another?

    That's mainly basics, and ways to use time in your search. You ultimately just have to accept your self 100% as you are & understand any outward goals/ worries don't get to dictate how you perceive your self.

    If you want to love your self, cut out all criticts in your life, stop 'toxic' thoughts in their tracks, focus on all your good traights, stay entertained doing only things you enjoy. Basically, if it isn't about me or my happiness, I won't waste a second of my life on it.

    You will eventually stop "needing" anything from other people. You already have all of your love & peace inside, so it seems hollow coming from others.

    But, if you do eventually start talking to people, it will be less stressful & more about enjoyment, than trying to get emotional needs met from each other. Then help them see why they're great! Help them learn to love them selves! It creates a chain, that you started! You beacon of awesomness you! Now go be amazing! Oh wait… you already are!
  20. SarahL

    SarahL Member

    Thanks for the advice...I guess I do need affirmation too much from other people. I will try my best to work on it, there was a lot of good advice there so thank you!