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Does anyone know how to deal with death

18breanna

Active Member
#1
My grandma is getting heart surgery, and her health is just getting worse, and I know she won't live forever but whenever I think about her passing, all I can think about is how much happier I'll be if I just kill myself and follow her. I didn't have a dad, so she is basically my second parent, and she's the person I'm closest to in the world. I don't think I love anyone as much as her. I just don't know how I can deal with it if she leaves. I know my mom would never kill herself, but I don't know how she deals with things like this (she explained how she felt, but I still just don't understand how she can deal with this. She is much better at dealing with things and I know I'm not a very strong person, so that is probably the reason). All I can think about is how much I want to kill myself, even though I know I shouldn't, I don't know what else I can do. She was the only person I would talk to some days, and I don't know what I will do, I don't want to live if she's not here
 
#2
Sorry that your grandma is sick and that you're feeling suicidal.

This is certainly not what your grandma would want for you. If your mom loves you even a little bit, this would have a terrible impact on her, as it would on anyone that cares about you.

Getting some emotional support and treatment might help a lot. You may want to start seeing a grief counselor now in order to prepare for your grandmother's eventual death.

Suicide would not only deprive you finding something worthwhile about living for yourself, but also prevent you from reaching your potential to help others. There are many other people in the world who are just like your grandma, and you won't get to know them, or do anything to help them if you are dead.
 

18breanna

Active Member
#3
Sorry that your grandma is sick and that you're feeling suicidal.

This is certainly not what your grandma would want for you. If your mom loves you even a little bit, this would have a terrible impact on her, as it would on anyone that cares about you.

Getting some emotional support and treatment might help a lot. You may want to start seeing a grief counselor now in order to prepare for your grandmother's eventual death.

Suicide would not only deprive you finding something worthwhile about living for yourself, but also prevent you from reaching your potential to help others. There are many other people in the world who are just like your grandma, and you won't get to know them, or do anything to help them if you are dead.
Thank you so much for your response. It's nice to talk to someone about this. How will grief counseling help? (I believe you, I'm just asking what it entails)
 
#4
You're welcome!
How will grief counseling help?
I guess one of the advantages of seeing a grief counselor while your grandma is still alive is that if there's anything that you want to say to her before she dies, or work out about your relationship to her, you still have a chance to do that, and a grief counselor might be able to help you understand what you want to do and say.

I don't know all of the details of what a grief counselor will say, but since they specialize in this area, they presumably have a lot of experience and knowledge to draw from.

Does your grandma know that you have had thoughts about suicide for a while, and that you don't feel like you'd want to go on without her?
 

18breanna

Active Member
#5
You're welcome!

I guess one of the advantages of seeing a grief counselor while your grandma is still alive is that if there's anything that you want to say to her before she dies, or work out about your relationship to her, you still have a chance to do that, and a grief counselor might be able to help you understand what you want to do and say.

I don't know all of the details of what a grief counselor will say, but since they specialize in this area, they presumably have a lot of experience and knowledge to draw from.

Does your grandma know that you have had thoughts about suicide for a while, and that you don't feel like you'd want to go on without her?
She knows that I've been suicidal since I was young, but I don't want to tell her about this, it would make her extremely sad and worried. I just know I won't be ok without her

Is there a way to get a real grief counselor (not a hotline, etc.) locally? As in, a preferred way or site to contact one that is near me?
 
#6
I don't know the best way to find a therapist. Would you be able to talk to your mom about this? I guess getting a reliable recommendation for a therapist would be the best way, but you'd have to know someone locally who's been to grief counseling.

You might be able to search online for grief counselors in your area, and then make some phone calls.
 

18breanna

Active Member
#7
I don't know the best way to find a therapist. Would you be able to talk to your mom about this? I guess getting a reliable recommendation for a therapist would be the best way, but you'd have to know someone locally who's been to grief counseling.

You might be able to search online for grief counselors in your area, and then make some phone calls.
Thank you, but how will I know this will help? I don't know how I will even stay alive at that point anyway
 
#8
how will I know this will help?
I guess you won't know for sure. There are really no guarantees. I guess the best thing you can do is assess what you think the outcomes will be if you do go to counseling vs not going.

If you are seeing a therapist now, you might ask them for a referral, or ask if they think grief counseling might help
 
#9
I don't know the best way to find a therapist. Would you be able to talk to your mom about this? I guess getting a reliable recommendation for a therapist would be the best way, but you'd have to know someone locally who's been to grief counseling.

You might be able to search online for grief counselors in your area, and then make some phone calls.
Thank you, but how will I know this will help? I don't know how I will even stay alive at that point anyway
If you are in the US call and talk to the chaplain at your local police department
They know grief councilors in the area

It’s there job to know these people
I feel your pain about your grandmother. Mine was more of a mother to me than my biological mother.
I didn’t speak to her about ten years (long story), when I finally called her and talked to her I could hear in her voice her finally letting go. She passed away 3 months later.
Talking here and to a counselor is the best advice.
*hugs and well wishes
 

18breanna

Active Member
#10
I guess you won't know for sure. There are really no guarantees. I guess the best thing you can do is assess what you think the outcomes will be if you do go to counseling vs not going.

If you are seeing a therapist now, you might ask them for a referral, or ask if they think grief counseling might help
Ok. I understand. I guess what I want to ask is, how will they help me move on..I know this is a really vague question but I don't know how I can reconcile her not being here anymore when she passes, I'm scared because I don't know if I can "move on" like a healthy person would
 

18breanna

Active Member
#11
If you are in the US call and talk to the chaplain at your local police department
They know grief councilors in the area

It’s there job to know these people
I feel your pain about your grandmother. Mine was more of a mother to me than my biological mother.
I didn’t speak to her about ten years (long story), when I finally called her and talked to her I could hear in her voice her finally letting go. She passed away 3 months later.
Talking here and to a counselor is the best advice.
*hugs and well wishes
Thank you for your heartfelt response. I'm so, so sorry to hear about your grandmother. I did not know about the chaplains, I will look into that, thank you very much
 

18breanna

Active Member
#13
If you have some initial consultation with a grief counselor, they may be able to answer that question. I don't know the answer.

There may also be some books about grieving that could help you.
I understand. I will look for some and see if that helps. My hope is that it can help me deal with this in a normal way, or help with me with feeling so suicidal
 

Champagne

✯✯ Heart of an angel ✯✯
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#14
Hey @18breanna Sorry you are feeling low and that your grandma is ill but i'm glad you are talking about these issues and I hope some of the info in the above posts will help you, keep talking to us *hug
 
#15
I'm so sorry to hear about that ❤ I understand, I lost my grandmother a couple years ago and nobody cared about me in the family as much as her. She was very special. We knew it was coming as the drs warned us they thought she only had a few months left but you're never really prepared. I found it very hard, I was depressed for ages. Everyone will be different but some things that helped me were honouring her memory by making collages and video montages of her and writing down my favourite memories with her. I also found it helpful to be involved in the process afterwards- helping to plan the funeral, I designed the funeral leaflet, I picked up the flowers days after the funeral and took them home and took care of them then when they died I pressed them and made them into photo frame displays for me and the family and kept the other dried flowers in a box.

My thoughts are with you ❤
 

18breanna

Active Member
#17
I'm so sorry to hear about that ❤ I understand, I lost my grandmother a couple years ago and nobody cared about me in the family as much as her. She was very special. We knew it was coming as the drs warned us they thought she only had a few months left but you're never really prepared. I found it very hard, I was depressed for ages. Everyone will be different but some things that helped me were honouring her memory by making collages and video montages of her and writing down my favourite memories with her. I also found it helpful to be involved in the process afterwards- helping to plan the funeral, I designed the funeral leaflet, I picked up the flowers days after the funeral and took them home and took care of them then when they died I pressed them and made them into photo frame displays for me and the family and kept the other dried flowers in a box.

My thoughts are with you ❤
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. This loss sounds really hard and your grandmother sounds so loving. I know I want to remember my grandma forever, but do you have advice for someone who doesn't know how to keep on living? How do I stop wanting so bad to join someone who has passed?
 
#18
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. This loss sounds really hard and your grandmother sounds so loving. I know I want to remember my grandma forever, but do you have advice for someone who doesn't know how to keep on living? How do I stop wanting so bad to join someone who has passed?
you're welcome ♥
it was really difficult yeah, it felt so surreal. She was a lovely person ♥

I'm not sure really tbh, I felt suicidal for a while after one of my cats passed away, or maybe it was after both of them I think, I cant remember. I don't have much in real life and my cat was always by my side in this room, I was never alone with her and she was in my life for nearly 18 years. The emptiness of being in this room was hell. I just waited it out, kept getting up each day somehow despite the pain and eventually as time passed my feelings of being suicidal gradually eased off. I guess I would say to hold on to things that make you feel a bit brighter until it passes, which it will. I think maybe it's more a case of accepting how you feel rather than thinking of it as "how can I stop feeling this way". We don't want to feel that way because it's so painful, but I don't think we can avoid it really when we love someone so much ♥ *sadhug It's more like coming to terms with how you feel, accepting it will be painful and hard but remembering that it'll gradually get easier as time goes on. Also not to compare- grief is up and down and everyone goes through it differently, some people might heal faster than you, some slower. There's no right or wrong amount of time to feel a certain way, although I have read if you feel depressed to the extent it's effecting how you function for about 6 months or longer it's not mentally healthy at that point and you should seek professional help. I think it took me about 2 months after my grandmother's death to feel calmer and not so intensely depressed. It might have taken longer tbh but I had other bad things happen shortly after so my emotions were refocused to the newer grief and worry instead (one of my cats died suddenly just over 2 months after my grandmother did, then a month later my mum nearly died and went to hospital)

I never got any help, but as others have suggested a counsellor maybe, or support groups can be great. They don't have to be face to face if you'd rather not, there's great support groups online for grief.

It will be hard, but you will get through it, and it won't be so heavy feeling after a while. You might even feel a bit better quicker than you think. Probably best not to have any expectations for how long you'll feel a certain way, just go with the flow *hug
 

18breanna

Active Member
#19
you're welcome ♥
it was really difficult yeah, it felt so surreal. She was a lovely person ♥

I'm not sure really tbh, I felt suicidal for a while after one of my cats passed away, or maybe it was after both of them I think, I cant remember. I don't have much in real life and my cat was always by my side in this room, I was never alone with her and she was in my life for nearly 18 years. The emptiness of being in this room was hell. I just waited it out, kept getting up each day somehow despite the pain and eventually as time passed my feelings of being suicidal gradually eased off. I guess I would say to hold on to things that make you feel a bit brighter until it passes, which it will. I think maybe it's more a case of accepting how you feel rather than thinking of it as "how can I stop feeling this way". We don't want to feel that way because it's so painful, but I don't think we can avoid it really when we love someone so much ♥ *sadhug It's more like coming to terms with how you feel, accepting it will be painful and hard but remembering that it'll gradually get easier as time goes on. Also not to compare- grief is up and down and everyone goes through it differently, some people might heal faster than you, some slower. There's no right or wrong amount of time to feel a certain way, although I have read if you feel depressed to the extent it's effecting how you function for about 6 months or longer it's not mentally healthy at that point and you should seek professional help. I think it took me about 2 months after my grandmother's death to feel calmer and not so intensely depressed. It might have taken longer tbh but I had other bad things happen shortly after so my emotions were refocused to the newer grief and worry instead (one of my cats died suddenly just over 2 months after my grandmother did, then a month later my mum nearly died and went to hospital)

I never got any help, but as others have suggested a counsellor maybe, or support groups can be great. They don't have to be face to face if you'd rather not, there's great support groups online for grief.

It will be hard, but you will get through it, and it won't be so heavy feeling after a while. You might even feel a bit better quicker than you think. Probably best not to have any expectations for how long you'll feel a certain way, just go with the flow *hug
Thank you, your comment has really helped me. I really hope counseling can help me deal with pain in the way you said, and last long enough on Earth to heal.
 

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