Does anyone understand?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Arch, Sep 21, 2010.

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  1. Arch

    Arch Member

    So i've got this problem... I'm generally depressed about 90% of the time. Depression runs in my family, only as far back as my mother, because she was adopted, and we don't know who the real parents are. I've been cursed with depression for almost three years now. It was initially triggered because of some romantic interest of mine. I'm a romantic person, at heart. I live each day in hope to find true love and happiness within that love. Unfortunately for me, love is very hard to find. Thus, I am left very lonely most of the time.

    Ever since I was first depressed I've attempted suicide enough times to where it doesn't bother me to think about it. I've tried it in many ways, details I won't get in to right now. The point I'm attempting to grasp at is, that life for me has simply become boring. I no longer find enjoyment in simple things. Its not so much that i'm sad anymore, its that I am no longer entertained by life. I've tried working, hobbies, sports, submersing myself in friends, and persuing a love interest. While I feel that the main source for my unhappiness comes from being alone currently, I also feel that the boredom weighs a heavy toll on me.

    I somewhat-recently got out of a pretty bad relationship. I cared very much about a certain girl, to an extent she did not care for me. She falsely claimed her admiration for me, only to end up decieving me for her own gain later on. No longer on speaking terms, by wishes of hers alone, I've fallen back to the original love interest mentioned earlier. This girl, we'll call her Kate, (Not her real name) is my Juliet. To put it frankly, I am in love with this girl. I have been since my depression started. I do not want to place blame upon her, though I realize that my feelings for her have caused this depression.

    It is not as if she does not know how I feel. We have discussed it time and time again. While at one time, she felt very strongly for me as I do for her, a relationship was impossible at the time. Without going into too much detail, I'll just say that the inability to be with one another had caused a rift between us. I, being somewhat cowardice, drew away from her, afraid of her reactions to my depression and feelings for her. She, being a very outgoing and seemingly cheerful person, tried to move on. It didn't take long before we were no longer talking, no contact at all, for over a year.

    It wasn't until recently that we have reinitiated contact. I again, have told her of my feelings for her, though to my dismay, I have found that she no longer feels for me what I feel for her. She only wants a friendship, or so she says. We tried to talk on the phone when we could, though it was always consisting of very "surface conversations." They lacked depth and meaning. So we began emailing, where I could truely express myself without feeling pressured or worried of what I say. My cowardice hinders me from speaking in person with those I am no longer comfortable with, Kate included.

    While at first, the emailing between us was going well and prosperous, eventually she would fail to respond. It would start out as a day or so. Then weeks and weeks with no response. I would send multiple messages to her with no response. Feeling foolish, I have almost given up hope at this point. While she still assures me she cares for me, though only as a friend, it is hard to believe. I feel as though she is dangling me from a string, bating at me with her claws, toying with me. I wish I did not feel this way, she says she is busy, and I should respect that. Fifteen days of being busy in a row is hard for me to believe; maybe I don't want to believe it. At any rate, I'm not yet willing to give up on her, even if she is playing me for a fool. In my opinion it is worth it.

    I apollogize for the long, drawn out story. I wanted anyone who reads this to really understand my position. While to a normal person, love is just something in life. To me, love is life. My depression does not help my case, It causes my mind to blow things out of proportion and see the worst in them, causing the smallest problem to be a catastrophe for me. Paired with my constant, almost overwhelming boredom, I am tragically suicidal. Its no longer because I am sad that I want to die. I simply find that without love and excitement It has become increasingly hard to see a brighter side of life. I have many friends that care for and adore me. I am smart, both in studies and sense. I am moderately attractive and do not have any noticeable deformities. I have been with a woman, both in bed and in heart. I live in a good area, and am moderately wealthy. I have no true problems aside from those mentioned earlier.

    I was just wondering, if anyone understood where I was coming from? I don't need to hear that it will get better, because I know that temporarily it will. Though there is no cure for my depression, love sickness will hopefully be filled by some girl, maybe not Kate, but perhaps another, more suitable companion. I have means to kill myself, I set a date for the occassion, over two months ago. The day fell and passed. I allowed myself to be talked out of it by a close friend. Since then, I have felt that the world is crashing around me. On that day, I felt as if I was supposed to die. I wasn't sad, or unhappy on that day. I simply felt that I needed to die. Reasons I couldn't, and still can not explain caused this feeling. Anything that has gone wrong since the day, I blame for not being dead. Perhaps I have angered some force beyond my understanding, regardless, it is beyond my control.

    So to conclude this message, I ask those who read this to just tell me their response and feelings on my current situation. I am open to suggestions on anything. I am a very understanding person. I am not religious, for I am a man of science, so please, do not preach. If you are religious, I will gladly hear what you have to say, as long as you do not attempt to push your religion on me. I am not against religion, I am indifferent to it.

    Thank you for your understanding,
  2. SuicidalAgain

    SuicidalAgain Well-Known Member

    It is very true what you said. I can relate to you because I've had a similar episode in my life. Not the same, but similar. Do you have any love in your life besides the love you feel for Kate? Because apparently you're not getting feedback from her. So, I've noticed that things change when you learn to love yourself. I'm not saying "Oh, love yourself and she will love you!".
    What I'm saying is that you seem to have a huge heart and flowing all that love to this girl when you could be loving yourself and therefore, feeling a lot better. You can try to be aware of the only thing that you really have: your life. That is the only thing that you will truly lose. I've found that being aware of the life that flows through my entire body makes me feel happier, it makes me warm and to me, that warmth is love.

    Your situation is very like the one that I experienced, except that mine didn't take that long, it went on for a year. No idea why she stopped talking to me, but that broke my heart. I was fine with having her friendship (even though I wanted more), but when she took that from me... it was a little too much.
    She stopped answering to my texts, it was the same pattern. The time she took to reply was progressively increasing. I don't blame her either for my heartbreak and she knew how I felt, the same way I don't blame your Kate and you don't seem to blame her either. And she knows how you feel, maybe that puts some weight in her shoulders and that probably scares her.

    You should look into opening your heart to yourself and others (parents, siblings, pets, friends, plants, things, whatever you want/like), I suppose you wouldn't be so dependent of this girl (although I'm not saying she's bad for you.)
  3. Arch

    Arch Member

    That's actually one of the things I haven't really tried yet. Its not as if I'm ashamed of myself or anything. I just don't take any joy in admiring myself in any fashion. Right now my main goal is to try to funnel my excess energies into something more productive, rather than sitting around, moaping. I'm hoping to be able to talk to people here, and get a better understanding of what others are going through, to better understand my own problems. Thank you for your support!

  4. Monsieur

    Monsieur Well-Known Member

    I hear you. Unfortunately I've fallen to the in which the prospects of relationships completely scares me; I avoid it at all costs. The notion of cowardice because of my fear of a potential love interest digging deeper into me and seeing how depressed I am is simply frightening. I don't think love is going to solve all my problems anyways. It seems always so ephemeral, the benefits are like the euphoria of a drug, and the withdrawal is brutally similar as well. I'm crazy, a psycho, a fucking loon, not fit for love. But hey, you've still got a chance bro, hope things get better.
  5. Arch

    Arch Member

    I wish I could avoid relationships as you do. It seems to dominate my mind and influence every thought and decision I make. I feel crazy most of the time, but its the chance that I will meet someone who accepts my craziness and loves it that drives me to require love.

    I'm curious to know why you call yourself crazy. Do you have a proclaimed mental disability or are you just exaggerating your claim. Perhaps somewhere in between?
  6. Monsieur

    Monsieur Well-Known Member

    I've been formally diagnosed with major depressive disorder, but I feel as though there's so much more under the surface then just depression. I've wondered long and tediously about the nature of my psyche, of which came first, the chicken or the egg, the depression or the stagnated life I'm leading. As for the crazy thing, I guess I'll go with the notion that it's somewhere in between exaggeration and reality. This is questionable, for my ability to function normally is quite deficient. I have a strong feeling I may have an unfortunate cocktail of personality disorders ghosting behind me, PDs which are generally a permanent part of a person, which are generally innate and its manifestation generally stealthed.

    The conclusion is all the same: I was born crazy, raised as crazy, my gift to the world shall be my self culling.
  7. Arch

    Arch Member

    I'm sorry you feel this way about yourself, even more so that I feel the same way about myself. I know that its wrong, though I don't feel like I need to change that about myself. I feel as though its necessary for me to be crazy.
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