I always thought everything in life happened for a reason. There was an underlying message or moral to the story. Everything I've done, everything that was done to me, everything I have CHOSEN to do...it had repurcussions, karma if you will. But I'm not understanding anything lately. I have chosen to do things that I shouldn't have done, but I never looked at the future consequences. Nothing I've done was ever to hurt another. I have trusted, have given, have loved, have lost, but there is not one mean bone in my body that would want to hurt another or have control over someone else. I'm more of a follower than any type of leader. I'm thinking I should have been the leader, and maybe my life would have turned out differently. I did without thinking. I felt bad for someone, because 'there but through the grace of god go I". I don't know about my beliefs anymore. I won't discuss that, but people have taken advantage of me to the point where I feel like I'm not a credible human being, worthwhile. You see, before my husband died (one week), I told him I'd never see him again, not knowing why I burst out with that statement. And I never did. I know that i'm just rambling here, but if I had taken matters into my own hands, maybe he would still be here. If I was stronger. But I can't change who I am. It's as if I see a long road, but I'm starting to see where it ends. I know it will happen, not tomorrow or next week, but it will, and I have no choice.