My therapist works with me about getting in touch with my emotions; or rather to accept and allow them. She's deliberately made me cry during some of the sessions, or dug deeper if I did start to sniffle to I ended up crying... (Bit of background; my mother would beat me or be verabally abusive if I cried as a child and teenager and has sometimes held me in front of mirrors and told me how ugly I looked when I did... so most things is handled with a smile... even physical pain. When I broke my leg when I was 4 the kindergarten teachers didn't believe me because I didn't cry or scream). To answer my own question; when I was doing better with my therapist I did feel it was helping. The first times she made cry it physically hurt and I worked against it... But I feel like I've taken a major setback lately. And 2 weeks ago I purposely shut down my emotions as I was visiting my mother and knew it would be a tough time. (the time before that I had a PTSD related panic attack after walking past my old school that's next to her house where I was bullied and sexually abused for years and that resulted in some messed up and awkward self-harm)... so yeah, to avoid that again I shut my emotions down completely. Good thing I was, my mum brought some awful stuff up about a man who molested me when I was little; reminding me once again she's taking their side... but enough about that. I'm still numb. I'm barely sleeping at night... and the only emotion I really feel is anxiety. I don't feel joy... I don't get excited about things and I feel awfully guilty because of it... I have to consciously tell my boyfriend how happy I am that he's sending me a present etc. I'm just so scared of opening up again... I was at a funeral yesterday... and I did shed a few tears but I spent the entire time trying to think of something else and keep it at bay. In truth I started to feel like I wasn't really there... I haven't even started to grieve for her really. (My therapist did suggest that I have already done that a while ago since she suffered from terrible dementia/Alzheimer the last years) I don't know what to do really... during my last session with my therapist I couldn't get to my emotions either... but I did tell her about the 'shutting down' thing. I am considering putting on one of the saddest films I own and see if that will make me cry; hoping it will open up something... but I'm scared of two things. I'm scared it won't work and I'll just get restless and start doing all sorts of other things... and I'm scared it's going to work too well and I'll lose control of myself again. I've got some very painful stuff tucked away under my skin that's been building up and brewing. So... To cry or not to cry; that is the question.