Hi everyone. This is my first thread start on SF, hope its not triggering for anyone. When i was 12 my step-mum used to pick on me all the time for my weight, then one day, high as a kite on coke, she showed me how to make myself sick. When i was 13, i had full-blown bulimia, which developed into anorexia. Just before my 16th birthday i was threatened with admission to a ward, so i just stopped seeing a shrink. I got down to 5 and a half stone before my body was starting to give up, and for some stupid reason i reached out for help. After this time, i was on and off bulimic, but managed to maintain a normal weight, until i was 18 and i weighed over 13 stone (>.<) this was mainly due to a phobia of getting sick again, so i decided to diet and try to lose. I started off okay, but litterally within 2 weeks of all the progress i made i was throwing up again, and then eventually starving. I managed to stop eating again and quickly dropped down to 7 stone. My life was a haze of drink, restriction, laxi and mia. I so wanted to die. It was a living hell. But, mia raised her ugly head again and through binge eating and not solid purging i gained weight. Then, i decided i would be 'healthy' which i realised now was simply binge eating without the purge. Im back up to over 12 stone, and im completly miserable. I booked a holiday 6 months ago and i dont even want to go because of my fat, horrible, scarred body. Its runing my whole like but i keep stuffing my fat face. so now, at nearly 21 im fat and ugly, and im too scared to go on a diet because i know what will happen. The worst thing? I crave ana or mia, and i know that is truely fucked up, but i do. Noone realises the fat girl is hurting, when i was so frail everyone was kind to me, protective. They never would of hurt me. At least im too discusting for anyone to fuck me now. This isnt an attention thing. I just want to know if it can ever end? If after nearly 10 years i can ever hit a normal weight, eat 3 meals and day, be normal about my body and my eating, or is this yo-yo of torment forever? Please dont be disgusted by me. Please try.