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Does it ever end? *trig?*

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by famous.last.words, Mar 21, 2008.

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  1. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    Hi everyone.

    This is my first thread start on SF, hope its not triggering for anyone.

    When i was 12 my step-mum used to pick on me all the time for my weight, then one day, high as a kite on coke, she showed me how to make myself sick.

    When i was 13, i had full-blown bulimia, which developed into anorexia. Just before my 16th birthday i was threatened with admission to a ward, so i just stopped seeing a shrink. I got down to 5 and a half stone before my body was starting to give up, and for some stupid reason i reached out for help.

    After this time, i was on and off bulimic, but managed to maintain a normal weight, until i was 18 and i weighed over 13 stone (>.<) this was mainly due to a phobia of getting sick again, so i decided to diet and try to lose. I started off okay, but litterally within 2 weeks of all the progress i made i was throwing up again, and then eventually starving. I managed to stop eating again and quickly dropped down to 7 stone. My life was a haze of drink, restriction, laxi and mia. I so wanted to die. It was a living hell.

    But, mia raised her ugly head again and through binge eating and not solid purging i gained weight. Then, i decided i would be 'healthy' which i realised now was simply binge eating without the purge. Im back up to over 12 stone, and im completly miserable. I booked a holiday 6 months ago and i dont even want to go because of my fat, horrible, scarred body. Its runing my whole like but i keep stuffing my fat face.

    so now, at nearly 21 im fat and ugly, and im too scared to go on a diet because i know what will happen. The worst thing? I crave ana or mia, and i know that is truely fucked up, but i do. Noone realises the fat girl is hurting, when i was so frail everyone was kind to me, protective. They never would of hurt me. At least im too discusting for anyone to fuck me now.

    This isnt an attention thing. I just want to know if it can ever end? If after nearly 10 years i can ever hit a normal weight, eat 3 meals and day, be normal about my body and my eating, or is this yo-yo of torment forever?

    Please dont be disgusted by me. Please try.
  2. nagisa

    nagisa Staff Alumni


    Sweetie... I completely understand. I've been struggling with an eating disorder for 5 years. Since I was 13... started as anorexia. Now I'd be classified as ED-NOS. I know how difficult it is...

    I think that you can get better... but it takes A LOT of determination. You have to truly WANT it. I don't think you can get better if you don't. You've got to make that decision to get better and stick with it. As for me... I just don't want it badly enough. I'd probably give up anything over my eating disorder. Sounds disgusting, but it's true. I feel you're pain. :hug: But... I do believe you can get better. If that is what you want then I wish you the best of luck in recovery, sweetie. :smile:

    If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me. :hug:

    BOLIAO Guest

    Being overweight is something you can do about. It is not out of your control.
  4. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    ^ i know that. i very much know that. But spirialling into an eating disorder is not something i can control. did you not read my post?

    Thank you for your kind words u-sa-ha-na, i hate to think of you hurting, but its nice to know that someone understands. Im just going to do on a 'diet', lose that weight and try so hard to stay in the middle. If you ever want to talk im here too :hug:

    BOLIAO Guest

    sorry if I have offended you with my post. Really didn't mean it.
  6. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    Thats cool, and your are right. Im just hyper-sensitive today, and im fed up of being trapped by my ED's. Im sorry i snapped.
  7. savetoniqht

    savetoniqht Well-Known Member

    Wow, I am SO sorry about your stepmother... that's just beyond awful, I can't believe she taught you how to do it. I can't even imagine how hard that must have been. :sad: :hug:
  8. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    Thanks for your kind words. It so nice to know there are people out there who understand (even though i wish you didnt, if you know what i mean)
    Yeah, she was 100% mad. I guess she thought she was doing me a favour. Maybe if i had of been stronger it wouldnt of been such an issue, but after all these years its sort of ingraned.

    I have been trying to diet healthy the past week, avoiding binges, ect. I have eaten a little and been sick a little but i think its progress. I just cant imagine life ever being different now, like this is me, forever.

  9. VALIS

    VALIS Well-Known Member

    Try exercising- it made me not agonize about what I eat. Now I just agonize over whether I will exercise that day... Kind of like bulimia I suppose in that if I eat too much I will run for longer

    but in your case I think diverting the attention could be better than trying to impose regulations on a historically painful pattern...
  10. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    Thank you for your suggestion, i will definatly try it.
    I have been really struggling, with purging. Seems like the same old yet again.
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