Does it ever get any better????

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Stranger1, May 28, 2008.

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  1. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I have really been down for the last couple of weeks. I recognise the thoughts now, But I can't seem to find my way.
    I have been in therapy for thirteen years and have learned alot of coping skills. Right now they aren't helping with my irrational side.
    I keep telling my doctor, my therapist, and my sister that even though I have made progress I still want it all to come to an end.:mad: My suicidal thoughts never go away.
    My helping my brother is about done and I told myself that once that is complete. It will be time to end this false bravado called life. I have no fear of death, I have been suicidal for so many years that death is welcomed.
    I read so many of these threads it is scary how many people live like this.
    I have tried making friends but so far I keep coming back to my socialphobia.
    I can't think of anything to say, and they just drift away. My therapist says it is because I have stagnated in isolation all these years, it's no wonder I can't think of things to say.
    Everyone around me are pushing me to do this and that, to keep moving forward. I keep my bad thoughts to myself now. I don't want to give them more ammuntion to keep pushing me.
    I am not being honest with them about all my self defeating thoughts. I guess I am just afraid to open up all the way and put it all on the table so they can see what I am holding back.
    Oh well we can't have it all our way. I am fifty one and to set in my ways. When I make up my mind about something it's damn near impossible to change it. Well thats all I have to say for now. I will keep posting and starting new threads up till the time I decide to go ahead and end it. Thank you for listening. Stranger1 :chopper:
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I get the message. why should this forum be any better than the help I have seeked to try and heal myself. No one talks to me and I have accepted it.
    This just reinforces the thoughts I have. I just don't have what it takes to have a friend. I won't bother you all anymore. My date to end this all is close at hand. I won't miss this f----- up world. I have always tried to be a caring person and all I got in return was heartache!! That's all I have to say. So good by and good luck with your search for your selves.:chopper:
  3. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Dear Stranger I hear you and just saw your thread and constantly ask myself the same question I'm here is you need someone.
  4. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Does it ever get any better? No, I don't think so. And I'm not sure I have the strength to wait and see if it does. I'm too tired.
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i think you are finding rejection where none was intended. the forums work at their own speed... sometimes it can take a day or so to get replies.

    i seem to remember you were considering going back to school? i'm sure in this low mood you are not wanting to look that far ahead, but one of the advantages of school is that it is a pool of new, possibly interesting people. there are tutorials and study groups and perhaps you will make some friends among those people.

    i'm sorry i didn't respond to your thread earlier, but i was at work and can't really use the work PC to visit this site... for all of the obvious reasons.

    have you see this article:

    change is slow sometimes, especially if we have had many challenges to work on in therapy. could it be you aren't recognizing how far you've already come? here is another article, i have read it so many times myself i could probably quote from it:

    I hope you can be honest with your doctor and therapist about how low you are truly feeling. It is possible to heal, to grow, and to change, even at this stage in our lives. I believe it for myself, and I believe it to be true for you as well.
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Thank you Dazzle. I'm sorry I snapped. I am out of some of my meds and can't get them refilled until the third of next month. One of the meds is for mood swings. I snapped at my sister earlier for giving me advice on my cooking dinner. I didn't intend any harm but it just came out that way.
    There is tension between us because of this. I don't feel good and I just dropped a bomb on her. She is having her problems,I overheard her making an appointment with a therapist. I feel like my blood is just boiling, and I feel all flushed all over. It's probably withdrawls because I haven't had all my meds for about six days now.
    Once again I appoligize for being short, I'm usually a very caring person. Thank you for listening to me.:chopper:
  7. janie

    janie Well-Known Member

    I read your thread today and didnt post anything cos I couldnt think of anything to say-not becos i didnt care. To me (21yrs) your life, situation, experiences are almost unimaginable to me- i guess thats just what the age gap does. I can imagine how hard it must be to make new aquaintences at your age. I dont know if its the case but I get the feeling that the older you are the more socially awkward it is to make friends. Imagining a situation where 2 middle aged guys for example trying to reach out to each other due to lonliness to start an amicable relationship screams of social awkwardness. Im sorry - all this prolly isnt very helpful but i guess what im saying is that its not all your own fault that you're finding it hard to make new friends, from what I imagine it must be pretty hard for older people to do so (among other things) in todays society
  8. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hey it's not a problem. i know *all* about mood swings.

    is the problem with the prescription that you can't afford to refill them until the 3rd? can you get an emergency supply from your doctor to tide you over the weekend? i ask because it's really important to keep the levels up in your bloodstream, and missing even a few days will set you back to square one. i'm sure you doctor would want you to be on your meds and could help you out, even maybe by writing another prescription for 5 days until your monthly refill date arrives.

    it could be that this bout of feeling intensely suicidal is related to the withdrawal from the meds. sure, meds can only take us so far, but i look on them as a lifebuoy - keeping me afloat while i do the heavy work in therapy.

    ps i can tell by your other posts that you are a caring person. now it's time to turn some of that generous and kind spirit back to yourself.
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Thank you Dazzle I'm trying. The problem with the meds is I don't have the money until after the third. I am on a budget and I only get paid once a month. This month I fell short.:chopper:
  10. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    the mood swings wont bother us, we are here to help and yes it does take a while to reply sometimes but we get there in the end.

    there is always someone here to listen, just a pm away.

    carry on being a caring person that you are.

    and remember, at 51 you are not too old for anything

    stay safe
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