does it ever go away

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by malek, Dec 4, 2007.

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  1. malek

    malek Well-Known Member

    Quick question for everyone.

    I was diagnosed a few years ago with bipolarism.

    i have been "depressed" and suicidal ever since the age of 8 and i am now 26.

    Not a day goes by that suicide is not in the back of my mind. Even during my greatest moment of joy death was only around the corner and i welcomed it.

    Will this ever changed.

    Every other aspect of my life is now in order i have worked so hard to make everything better it's not even funny.

    With my docotor we have dropped my medication (Lithium) because it didn't seem to have any effect actually of all the drugs i've tried not a single one had any effect at all on me. The doctors cant think of anything anymore.

    Instead we are using the mental reprogrammation tactic. where we are changing the way my reflexes work and for the last 2 years it's been working great.

    but why cant i get rid of my will to die. I dont want to live even in my moments of purest happiness.

    I just want to die and that has never changed and i cant even see a reason anymore other than the simple fact that i want to die just as much as everyone else seem to want to live.

    Will this ever go away or am i stuck with this until my actual death.

    I'm doing all this work to get rid of this but if it wont go away what's the point?

    anyone?
     
  2. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    personally i know about the seemingly never ending will to die. i faced it first at the tender age of six, but i am here to tell you as of a couple of months ago i finally felt what it was like to be happy and not have the urge to die. i'm just here to say it can come. i'm 37 now so obviously it's taken a great deal of years to experience this, but point is i finally did. so please don't give up hope ok? please take care
     
  3. malek

    malek Well-Known Member

    i have no intention of surrendering (unfortunately) i simply cant for my kids sake (and i somewhat resent them for that even if it's not their fault).

    I just dont know what the hell i need to do to get over it. i've done everything and even my doctors are at wits end.

    i jut feel like walking into nothingness.
     
  4. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    when my dr's began ECT on me that's when things changed for me.
     
  5. malek

    malek Well-Known Member

    what's ECT?
     
  6. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    electro convulsive therapy aka electric shock sounds more brutal than it actually is trust me
     
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