Does it ever go away?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by attack_amazon, Jun 24, 2009.

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  1. attack_amazon

    attack_amazon Well-Known Member

    I don't want to kill myself. At least not anymore. What I want is to have a good life and succeed at the things I care about and not have to worry about money and be able to look at myself in the mirror and say "You are not a fuck up." and mean it. But I have this deep and ominous sense of dread that that's not going to happen and that suicide is inevitable. I might be able to stave it off for years and years, but, with all the certainty that the lion will eventually catch the wounded gazelle if it follows it long enough, it's going to creep up on me some day and win.

    It seems like every time I fail at something or something bad happens, no matter how minor, there's this little voice in the back of my mind that says, "Well, you might as well just kill yourself." Most of the time I can just brush it off, because I can't take myself seriously when I'm thinking about killing myself because I burned the cornbread, but there are other times like now that it gets to me in a bad way. I've gotten a lot better at fending off the urge to hurt myself, but all of this makes me so anxious that I have to really fight not to vent the pressure in other ways, like drinking or binge eating. And even when I succeed at not doing those things, I feel bad, because I start thinking that it's going to be a long, hard future if it takes a monumental effort from day to day just to keep myself alive and headed in the right direction. But at the same time, I can't committ suicide, because there are too many people right now who would be hurt by it, so I just have to suck it up and keep dragging along.

    I'd die for my few friends and family in an instant. It's much harder to live for them. :(
  2. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    You are a fighter not a fuck up. You have fought against societies stupid moral values and survived. You have fought your way through the pain of losing a loved one and you are still here. You will always have the memories of what you have been through but you can move on. You do have the strength to overcome these feelings and you will get there. Best wishes. Simon.
  3. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    The fact that you've come this far shows how much of a fighter you are. You have a flame of hope inside you that won't burn out no matter what gets thrown at it, make sure you keep that flame alive. Remember, there is always hope :hug:
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I'm not sure what to say here except you have a lot of strength and I hope you can find the strength to keep fighting. Look to the future and don't look back. I'm always here if you need to talk hun, stay safe xx
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    "It is much harder to live for them" but you will because you would not want their lives to be like ours full of pain and saddness. We have to stay strong for our family because they don't deserve this pain.
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