I don't want to kill myself. At least not anymore. What I want is to have a good life and succeed at the things I care about and not have to worry about money and be able to look at myself in the mirror and say "You are not a fuck up." and mean it. But I have this deep and ominous sense of dread that that's not going to happen and that suicide is inevitable. I might be able to stave it off for years and years, but, with all the certainty that the lion will eventually catch the wounded gazelle if it follows it long enough, it's going to creep up on me some day and win. It seems like every time I fail at something or something bad happens, no matter how minor, there's this little voice in the back of my mind that says, "Well, you might as well just kill yourself." Most of the time I can just brush it off, because I can't take myself seriously when I'm thinking about killing myself because I burned the cornbread, but there are other times like now that it gets to me in a bad way. I've gotten a lot better at fending off the urge to hurt myself, but all of this makes me so anxious that I have to really fight not to vent the pressure in other ways, like drinking or binge eating. And even when I succeed at not doing those things, I feel bad, because I start thinking that it's going to be a long, hard future if it takes a monumental effort from day to day just to keep myself alive and headed in the right direction. But at the same time, I can't committ suicide, because there are too many people right now who would be hurt by it, so I just have to suck it up and keep dragging along. I'd die for my few friends and family in an instant. It's much harder to live for them.