Does It Ever Just Stop?

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by HexenBexen, Oct 23, 2008.

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  1. HexenBexen

    HexenBexen Well-Known Member

    So....a little over 10 years ago (I'm 28 now) I began cutting. It started with moderate self-abuse (if there is such a thing) which consisted of hurting myself without drawing blood or causing any serious injury. Scrapes, scratches, that sort of thing. I soon graduated to cuts and the occasional burns. Once I started, I just couldn't stop.

    I was going through an incredibly rough time and it seemed the pain I was feeling could no longer be muted with drinking and drugs alone. I felt that cutting would release endorphins and that alone would be enough to cancel out all the hurt, fear, etc I was feeling. Eventually, my friends and family members figured out what was going on and urged me to seek help. I've had a couple of therapists over the years, but I don't get a whole lot out of it. I suffer from anxiety and depression but the negative effects of medications far outweigh the positive...in my mind, anyway.

    Anyway, fast forward to the present. I stopped the self-harm for a long, long time. A couple of years ago, I stupidly ended up in a horribly abusive relationship. I began cutting again but I thought I was being discreet about it. The pig I was in the relationship with found out before too long and began playing off of it. Urging me to hurt myself, telling me to kill myself, etc. Of course, this just fueled the illness. Once I got rid of him, things seemed to improve. I still battled the anxiety and the depression but I wasn't hurting myself and I was doing a decent job of keeping myself distracted.

    Lately though, I feel myself falling back into the same old pattern. I've been especially low the past few months. I have great friends and a wonderful family, so I feel like it's just ridiculous to be feeling so alone. I've started cutting again because I just feel so damn hopeless and lost. It's like a drug...the urge is always there and it's constantly getting stronger and stronger. I'm drinking more, too. The only one I've told is my sister and I now regret that because I don't want anyone else finding out. It's a horrible feeling, knowing the people you care about are worried. I've been fighting the urge to cut again for the past couple of days but it just keeps getting stronger. I try not to keep any first aid stuff in the house, in hopes it will deter me. That isn't working so well.

    I just want the feelings and the urges to STOP. I'm beginning to fear this will always be an issue with me and I'll never be able to just be normal. Does it ever finally run its course?

    I know this is a long-winded post but I'm glad to have the opportunity to get it all out.
     
  2. CAD

    CAD Well-Known Member

    No, it never stops.
     
  3. riz

    riz Senior Member

    I know where you're coming from. I've been dealing with my SI problems since I was 9. (I'm 21 now.) No. They never "just go away." I wish it would. But, the urges...they can be dealt with. Just like drug problems, there can be a relapse, but you have to channel the strength to not be too hard on yourself. Even if you slip up, you can still be on the road to recovery. If you're looking for some insight on SI problems, there's this really great book that I've come across called "A Bright Red Scream." I forget who the author is. But it helped me realize that it's not weakness that makes you cut, it's the way we handle stress that causes us to use cutting as a tool to make ourselves feel better.

    I'm glad that you were able to get that all out...sometimes it's finding like-minded people that makes it all better. Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to talk.

    Take care,
    RiZ
     
  4. HexenBexen

    HexenBexen Well-Known Member

    Thank you riz and everyone else. Everyone's perspectives are helpful in their own way. You guys are actually encouraging and it's evident you've acquired some really important tools. Tonight's rough, feeling pretty low but it helps to share it with people who understand.
     
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i have been self-harming on and off since my teen years (i'm 42 now)... i wouldn't say it goes away, more that you can learn other coping skills. it's always possible that you will relapse in times of great stress. that's when theses coping skills you've practiced in the good times come in handy.

    i think the most we can expect from ourselves is that we do the best we can under the circumstances.

    selfharm.net (http://www.selfharm.net/fself.html) has some great ideas on quitting - it's a site that's really helped me.

    cath.
     
  6. HexenBexen

    HexenBexen Well-Known Member

    Hey Cath, thanks for the link and the insight. :smile:
     
  7. hopeless

    hopeless Well-Known Member

    no it never stops. for me it lets up for a while and then comes back strong again. especially in stressful times.
     
  8. HexenBexen

    HexenBexen Well-Known Member

    Yes, unfortunately stress is a huge trigger.
     
  9. HexenBexen

    HexenBexen Well-Known Member

    I guess everyone's right. I did it again. I'm not looking for sympathy or anything but I'm going to be honest, nonetheless. I'm disappointed in myself but at the same time, I sort of feel better. I got it out of my system for now.

    The wounds will heal and tomorrow's a new day.

    Or something.
     
  10. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    I self harmed for a few years, but six months or so ago I stopped. It didn't take any sort of will power, I just felt no desire to do it any more, I knew it wasn't helping me. So yeah, it can happen.
     
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