So....a little over 10 years ago (I'm 28 now) I began cutting. It started with moderate self-abuse (if there is such a thing) which consisted of hurting myself without drawing blood or causing any serious injury. Scrapes, scratches, that sort of thing. I soon graduated to cuts and the occasional burns. Once I started, I just couldn't stop. I was going through an incredibly rough time and it seemed the pain I was feeling could no longer be muted with drinking and drugs alone. I felt that cutting would release endorphins and that alone would be enough to cancel out all the hurt, fear, etc I was feeling. Eventually, my friends and family members figured out what was going on and urged me to seek help. I've had a couple of therapists over the years, but I don't get a whole lot out of it. I suffer from anxiety and depression but the negative effects of medications far outweigh the positive...in my mind, anyway. Anyway, fast forward to the present. I stopped the self-harm for a long, long time. A couple of years ago, I stupidly ended up in a horribly abusive relationship. I began cutting again but I thought I was being discreet about it. The pig I was in the relationship with found out before too long and began playing off of it. Urging me to hurt myself, telling me to kill myself, etc. Of course, this just fueled the illness. Once I got rid of him, things seemed to improve. I still battled the anxiety and the depression but I wasn't hurting myself and I was doing a decent job of keeping myself distracted. Lately though, I feel myself falling back into the same old pattern. I've been especially low the past few months. I have great friends and a wonderful family, so I feel like it's just ridiculous to be feeling so alone. I've started cutting again because I just feel so damn hopeless and lost. It's like a drug...the urge is always there and it's constantly getting stronger and stronger. I'm drinking more, too. The only one I've told is my sister and I now regret that because I don't want anyone else finding out. It's a horrible feeling, knowing the people you care about are worried. I've been fighting the urge to cut again for the past couple of days but it just keeps getting stronger. I try not to keep any first aid stuff in the house, in hopes it will deter me. That isn't working so well. I just want the feelings and the urges to STOP. I'm beginning to fear this will always be an issue with me and I'll never be able to just be normal. Does it ever finally run its course? I know this is a long-winded post but I'm glad to have the opportunity to get it all out.