Does it ever stop??

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sbseagle, May 4, 2007.

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  1. sbseagle

    sbseagle New Member

    I am 21 years old. I'm a junior at a great school and I've been fighting my depression since I was 15 years old. I've tried cutting, drinking, drugs, even God and religion to find happiness or at least to hide the pain...and it never stops. I go through these waves where I start to think that maybe I'll survive, that maybe there's actually something worth living for, only to wake up and realize that it's so futile. In high school, the goal was just to get through, to graduate. Once I got to college things would be different, everyone told me. I'd be away from my family and all the drama. But being away just meant that I had no reminder of why I shouldn't kill myself--because the only thing keeping me here is the protectiveness I have for my mother and the unwillingness to cause her any pain. But now I see that she is broken beyond repair and no pain I cause or spare her will make any difference. So what's the point in continuing to fight? Every day, I hold a razor and some days I give in and other days I fight it, telling myself it's an unhealthy habit and that i'll regret the scars. But ultimately, I think the only thing I'll regret is that I didn't press down and cut in the other direction. It hurts to breathe and I just don't think I can fight anymore. I can't keep reaching for this goal that is nowhere in sight. I feel like Camus' Sisyphus--eternally pushing a huge boulder up a hill, and once the top is finally within reach, it falls and I must trudge back and continue to struggle in vain to try to reach the top again. I think some people just weren't meant to live in this world...
  2. lostcat95

    lostcat95 Guest

    There will always be something in your way trying to pull you down! Thats life!
  3. Adeline

    Adeline Well-Known Member

    Hi sbseagle,

    I don't know whether it ever stops. I have been struggling with this for a long time too. You are not alone. We need to keep persevering. Believe me, we are all here for a reason. There is a purpose to your life. It may take a while for you to find it but it will happen. Sometimes I still think that some people are not meant to live in this world but that simply isn't true. Things seem bad now but we can get better. You just need the right support, love and help. You need to be heard. Don't give up.:smile:

  4. Bostonensis

    Bostonensis Guest

    Have you travelled to a thrid world country? Join a missionary groups that sends people for a peace mission.Find out the meaning in helping other people.
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