Does it ever stop?

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by alchemist000, Nov 6, 2008.

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  1. alchemist000

    alchemist000 New Member


    I am new to here and this is my story.

    I tried to kill myself 6 years ago when I was 16. The attempt was rather unsuccessful and in fact only 2 or so people know about it. Back then I also suffered from all that mental health crap that so many of us are familiar with: self harm, eating disorders, sleep disturbances, ultimate hatred of myself and so on.

    All that was mostly caused by extreme problems in family and unbearable, chronic stress that went on for over 2 yrs. I actually do not really think that I was having 'depression' back then. You don't really expect that people on sinking Titanic were happy but still they were not suffering from depression. And so was I in the middle of a disaster and that was the way I tried to cope with it.

    Anyway, life has gone only upwards from then on. I've become successful at what I do, I have friends and all that. I really do not have reasons to be unhappy and to tell the truth - I am not unhappy.

    However, I keep returning to those terrible times in my past again and again. I am thinking and rethinking all that happened. It is like a vicious circle and I am unable to get rid of it. I do not contemplate to commit suicide, I haven't self harmed for years and so on, but I still return to suicidal thoughts. It is more like flashbacks and not real ideation, but still I am unable to get rid of them. It almost feels as if suicide was the second birth, like a grim turning point of my life and I just can't stop thinking about it.

    So I was wondering - is that how some of you feel too? Do you still return to those dismal events again and again, almost on daily basis? Do you think I should seek help? Do you think it could be helped?
  2. Sunshine612

    Sunshine612 New Member

    This sounds exactly what i'm experiencing right now too. I have a great family, friends, etc. etc. but something's still not quite right.
    I also find myself returning to dark times in my past when i tried to kill myself and thinking about all the wrong that I did and that other did to me.
    I think you should go and see someone, at least maybe it might give you an opportunity to think more indepth about these problems. Maybe shed some new light on them. I should probably do the same - but I know i won't.
    Hope all goes well. Let me know if you find any answers.
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    I've read a few things on the internet that explain this feeling, one I share BTW. The first is that surviving a suicide attempt can result in post traumatic stress, where we relive those dark times over and over. The other is that our brain likes to follow familiar thought patterns, and the more we think of our attempt the more our brain returns there. We return to what is familiar. On this second point the author suggests we stop thinking and start doing, instead. We don't allow ourselves to think of our attempt or about suicide, instead we start with actions, like meditation, relaxation, stress relief, exercise, and so on. Hope this helps.
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