Does it make anyone else think twice?

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by AngelLolita, Jul 28, 2012.

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  1. AngelLolita

    AngelLolita New Member

    I've only ever attempted suicide once.

    I was 14 years old and I remember that a few girls I went to school with had seen me at the bus stop and decided they going to absolutely awful towards me still despite the fact it was the Summer holidays. I'd had a fight with all my friends about 6 months prior to this and they'd all either ignored me or made my life difficult by following me home or calling me names in the corridors.

    Anyhow my mum was at work and my sister was at my aunties house and I decided on impulse really to take some pills.

    I woke up in hospital with my mum standing over me and crying. The look on her face haunts me to this day. People were weird round me for months afterwards but the only thing that truly bothered me was that my mum was so upset.

    In the years following that first attempt I've thought about it almost everyday and I've always stopped myself because I see her face when I opened my eyes. Its actually the only thing that stops me when I start planning how to do it.

    Does anyone else think twice about doing it because of how people reacted the first time or is it just me?
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I have not had that experience, however, it seems they care a lot about you and I am glad you are able to hold on to that in the difficult time
  3. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Yes, it certainly does........ it was my experience, only for me it was my husband's face........ but, it mobilised both of us to delve in and find the answers as to why......... and then, the discovery that helped to make sense of it all, hun :)
  4. Sea Sparkles

    Sea Sparkles Well-Known Member

    I know how much suicide hurts my family; we have had 1 person commit suicide and it broke our family apart for 5 years. Even now, it's soo hard... so.. so... hard, to think about how much pain it caused us all. We've never been that same family as we once where. I wished I could of stopped that person, and the regret always stays in me.

    I could never... let my family go threw that pain, with me.
  5. lovehatething

    lovehatething Member

    I've been there and yes my mother was mad at me too. She still is whenever it comes up. I think they are mad because they feel they have failed as parents, so maybe they're truly just angry with themselves. After I attempted a second time and luckily survived, my mother told me that it was them "my family" that would have to carry the coffin. That really stuck with me. If you are having these dark thoughts PLEASE talk to someone, it doesn't have to be your parents, it can be anyone. Things got a lot better for me, I even wrote a book about my experiences and maybe it can help you PLease hang in there Rebecca I promise you it gets better.
  6. bob55

    bob55 Member

    I am fairly certain that most of my family and my friend can handle my suicide. Of course they will be sad, but they will manage.
    My dad though, I am not so sure. He has been through a whole lot more than I ever have, and I think he is pretty lonely.
    So I am not sure if he can handle losing me. And that is making me have second thoughts sometimes.
  7. Jack Rabbit

    Jack Rabbit Well-Known Member

    Yes. The thought of what my suicide would do to my family is all that has kept me alive many nights. I cling to that. It is my lifeline.
    And I understand what you are saying about thinking about suicide. I think it's like an addiction. Or a loose tooth that you cannot keep from poking at with your tongue. Some days the thought is "What ever made me think of killing myself?" more often it's planning a way to get away with it, but it's always the 500 pound gorilla.

    I had a two year long remission, where suicide was not an issue. No attempts, no plans, and now it's back. On bad days it's one day at a time. On worse days, it's one hour at a time. And days like this, it's just minute to minute.
  8. amk666

    amk666 Active Member

    Hi Rebecca. I am kind of in the same boat. Tried to do myself in when I was your age. My folks were mad, took me to the family doctor who accused me of trying to be Marilyn Monroe (been called a lot of things since then, but that was the only time anyone ever called me "Marilyn";). Then wound up doing 90 days inpatient psych. I've always believed that while it would be difficult my parents would get over my death. They were actually quite wonderful people & they deserved better than me. But they also weren't of the generation that accepted much blame for progeny gone wrong.

    So there's that.

    It's my long-suffering spouse of 32 years that keeps me here. I put her through a lot in the 80s wrt depression & suicidal ideation--she also fought those as well on her own account.

    So yeah. I do think twice;-)

  9. imsosad

    imsosad Active Member

    Sometimes the thought of how it would affect my family keeps me here but I'm starting to care less and less. I think they would get over me dying and frankly it's just too much always worrying about what other people will think. Everyone dies in the end, everyone gets old, why keep fighting it? So I can end up feeble, more depressed or tearing my family apart if I don't dodge the genetic bullet of alzheimer's disease? Not worth the effort.
  10. katrina77

    katrina77 Guest

    Yes, the thought of what it would do to my son and a few others haunts me. Probably the only thing keeping me here.

    My husband wouldn't care all that much, but then he is a total dick, and actually probably the main reason I do think of ending it. Dying just sounds better than being with him.
  11. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I don't plan to survive, so I'm not worried about how people will react. They already all hate me, anyway, so if I fail, they'll just encourage me to finish the job.
  12. alyssaswoon

    alyssaswoon Well-Known Member

    The first time I tried (and ended up in the psych over-night) all I felt from my parents was disappointment. They told me they cared about me and the likes, but we've never really been able to communicate successfully about my depression and the things that go along with it because they literally just do not understand. They don't really grasp the concept of any mental illness and are strong believers in, "If you think you can get over something, you just do", which is not always the case.
    Of course when I'm on the edge I think about how it will affect my family, mostly my little sister, who I love dearly. But some nights it just doesn't matter. The only thing that would bother me about my family's well being after I've killed myself is if they had to find my body. So naturally, when I think about seriously killing myself it's always in a location they wouldn't normally frequent so someone else (hopefully no one I know personally) would find my body. I think they could get over my death, but there's just something about them having to find my lifeless body that makes me feel so terrible.
    I do have those moments where I'm thinking about attempting suicide and I see all my loved ones (imagined) reactions in my mind and I do feel guilty, but not enough to make me want to live anymore at that exact moment.
  13. frantic

    frantic Well-Known Member

    for me, it's my two kids who usually keep me from doing something. they are so young, and i know they would be devestated, especially the little one, he's quite attached to me.
    but sometimes it gets so strong that i can't think about anything else, not even my kids. i have attempted a few times. the frist time my husband was worried sick. by now he just gets angry. mainly because i attempted instead of talking to him.
  14. Christian C

    Christian C Member

    Oh yes I have thought twice, and more than once let's just say.. after it happens you feel horrible about doing it but then a couple months down the road in my mind it just wants to happen again...
  15. I've attempted twice. There are things I think about to make me want to mom and sister mostly since I live with them. I can't bear the thought of hurting them so deeply, my mom has been through so much in her life...I think about her a lot. I'm her first child and she worries about me all the time. There is a website I found that I read whenever the thoughts creep up on me again that help give me second thoughts and doubt about doing it...I think doubting it helps because I think there is some part of me deep down that wants a future...although I slip back to feeling hopeless. The website I read helps me out...some of the stuff doesn't pertain because I'm not in school any more...but it causes me to think. I do have times when I feel like absolutely nobody cares...but I read that and I realize at least my mom and sister care...I don't have any friends. I just wouldn't want them to blame themselves for what I did, because it's my fault not theirs. so that's the website I read...I hope I keep having doubts and second thoughts...
  16. Big M

    Big M Well-Known Member

    Hell Yes. I've only attempted once and almost died. It scared my family so much and the guilt is so strong I don't think I could ever go through with it again. I mean when I wish I had succeeded it's pretty much the main thing that reminds me to not try again.
  17. Big M

    Big M Well-Known Member

    I hear you bandgeeks. Most of my friends, I just feel alienated from and have lost track of but luckily I have such a strong relationship with my brother that it really is a powerful motivator to not ever go down that road again. I mean I stilll feel hopeless as hell somedays but I do have a really caring family and that's more than a lot of people have. If your family is halfway decent or if they at least love you it's an awful awful thing to do to them. I know it would ruin all their lives had I succeeded and they don't deserve that. My old friends I do often feel like don't care that much (well a few do) but my family really does so I mean it is jsut so selfish to do to my family. Screw that
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 11, 2012
  18. CosmikJack

    CosmikJack Member

    Sometimes there are so many things i would like to say on posts, but undoubtably they would be edited and perhaps I would be kicked off of this site. There is nothing wrong with being selfish about your life, I would hope that you would not choose the path of leaving, but you should never feel sorry or regretful because of something your family says to you or because of there dissapointment. Screw them, do they hae to live your life, no, i believe they dont. Now I am a pessimest, but it is what helps me make it through this life. Knowing that its not all milk and cookies, and bad things do happen is a stable that I hold onto with dear life. My last attempt though was in front of my family; my daughter, my brother, my mother; while they were all screaming and crying I stood strong until my brother choked me out. I felt regret afterwards for a few minutes, until my mom said she was calling the cops. Are you friggin kidding me? I just tried to off myself, i might need consoling, and you are going to call the cops? So i booked it with my brother, wrapped my hand up so no one could see, and caught a bus. A few days later I went to the psych ward on my own, i wanted to know what things i have i had to deal with. then from there i went to a 30 day rehab, then i went to a 6 month were i was diagnosed with the basic psychosis and dissociative disorder. I took all the pills they gave me and evern remained sober for almost 10 months. But I cracked one day because I had to yell at my daughter. The reason i wont do myself in is because with the many attempts that i have had i still come back, so i find it a bit insane to consider doing it again. I remain because I am pessimistic, not optimistic; so some food for thought become optimistic and be suicidal, and see what comes of that. I recommend just staying the same though
  19. mackaroni

    mackaroni Well-Known Member

    It didnt until the last time after my attempt I was in the psychiatric ward of the hospital for like the hundreth time. I get a call that my sister attempted and was on life support. She is my only sibling and now has permanent irrerversible brain damage. She will need 24 hour round the clock care for the rest of her life. From that day every time I even get a fleeting thought about hurting myself thinking about her and the rest of my family. I think that my parents almost lost one child they arent going to lose me too.
  20. Bishop Vick

    Bishop Vick Member

    I often think about how it would make things a bit awkward for a couple weeks if I was to kill myself, but I know that everyone would be fine in no time at all, once the initial shock wore off.

    I used to think that people would be really seriously affected if I did it, but I paid careful attention after my mother-in-law killed herself - everyone seemed fine after a few weeks, and there's no way I could possibly be as important to people as she was, with four grown kids and grandkids. Maybe her family is just really good at hiding their feelings, but I seriously can't imagine that anyone would be seriously affected if I took a dirt nap.
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