I have been battling depression now for the last thirty one years of my life and the saddest part is that I'm only 36. I have been through alot as many people have, and as my way of trying to overcome these things I have tried to make positives out of these situations. I do this for others because I can't seem to do it for myself. It has helped me feel somewhat better at times just knowing that I could help others not feel so alone. The fact for me even though I know I am not the only one is that I still feel alone. I also suffer from PTSD which in my thinking is my biggest enemy. There is just so much that afflicts me. Things continually happen in my life which bring me back to such horrible events. I can't let go of the fact that I just want to die. Some days they don't seem so bad so why not just go with it, but reality is shit will happen again, and I cannot cope with that. Trauma began at birth and as happened as recent as a month ago. It doesn't stop. I have heard of people going through stouf as a child or early adult or something like that, but honestly for how many people is it a non-stop pattern in life. I am tired. I have been beatin' down. All I want to do is sleep. I don't want to work anymore even. This I have always been able to take pride in. I just want one of two things to happen, or maybe even both. I want to stay in my home never going out. The only things that take me out now is work, kids, and therapy appts.. Other than this I stay in. I have no friends and believe me I am not exagerating when I say this. No one likes me and hey well I guess I can't blame them. The other thing I really want to happen is to die. I am not afraid to take my own life. I fear nothing about it for myself. My concern is my children but sadly enough they don't always make the difference. As depressed as I feel I really don't feel like it matters anyways. Not here not anywhere, but I just thought I would try to vent as a way to hang on a little longer for my kids. Honestly, I don't know how much longer that is going to work either. This is just one of those days I am just down and out. Thanks for tolerating the writing here and sorry for boring u to death. Take care of yourselves and each other.