Does it really matter anyways?

I have been battling depression now for the last thirty one years of my life and the saddest part is that I'm only 36. I have been through alot as many people have, and as my way of trying to overcome these things I have tried to make positives out of these situations. I do this for others because I can't seem to do it for myself. It has helped me feel somewhat better at times just knowing that I could help others not feel so alone. The fact for me even though I know I am not the only one is that I still feel alone. I also suffer from PTSD which in my thinking is my biggest enemy. There is just so much that afflicts me. Things continually happen in my life which bring me back to such horrible events.
I can't let go of the fact that I just want to die. Some days they don't seem so bad so why not just go with it, but reality is shit will happen again, and I cannot cope with that. Trauma began at birth and as happened as recent as a month ago. It doesn't stop. I have heard of people going through stouf as a child or early adult or something like that, but honestly for how many people is it a non-stop pattern in life. I am tired. I have been beatin' down. All I want to do is sleep. I don't want to work anymore even. This I have always been able to take pride in. I just want one of two things to happen, or maybe even both. I want to stay in my home never going out. The only things that take me out now is work, kids, and therapy appts.. Other than this I stay in. I have no friends and believe me I am not exagerating when I say this. No one likes me and hey well I guess I can't blame them. The other thing I really want to happen is to die. I am not afraid to take my own life. I fear nothing about it for myself. My concern is my children but sadly enough they don't always make the difference.
As depressed as I feel I really don't feel like it matters anyways. Not here not anywhere, but I just thought I would try to vent as a way to hang on a little longer for my kids. Honestly, I don't know how much longer that is going to work either. This is just one of those days I am just down and out. Thanks for tolerating the writing here and sorry for boring u to death. Take care of yourselves and each other.

 

hi rhino, I am sorry that things are so tough for you right now. I felt alot when i read your post. I understand everything you say, most defiantely. one of the hardest things for me to understand also is why some, keep repeatedly having to deal with some type of trauma...it doesnt make it any easier to get healthy, does it. i can hear that your tired hun, all of this can take a toll. Do you see a therapist or have any supports? ari

 

I have a therapist that I just started seeing this last Fri., and by my first impression I'm not so sure he is going to be all to helpful. I am trying to be open here but I have just had alot of them and am use to what comes from whom. Other than this I really don't have anything for support. Well, a few online friends is all. I have no friends out here in the real world, but then again maybe I'm just not worth knowing. Sorry I won't cry the sad song anymore. Thanx for askin' tho. Rhino

 

oh hun i know exactly what you mean about seeing therapists...I have had to see them since i was five years old.....so i think that means i have more training than most of them...have also been in the position of where i had to take care of a few of them, not a good place to be in when you are struggling yourself, maybe try and give this therapist ten sessions and then re-evaluate how you feel about him and where therapy is going,,,,,for my current therapist that i have right now...I took a different approach than i usually do in going about finding someone to work with ...I looked for someone that had actually worked in a big city..worked with a wide range of DX, i needed somebody that had alot of experience as much as I or more....needed someone that could keep up with the way I talked...4 subjects at once so that if things got to hairy i could get another person off track in two seconds....or just let them hear what they wanted to hear....and needed a person that wasnt going to freak out about coping methods and want to throw me in the H every two seconds,,,,,,i just wanted you to know that your post touched me..because i know what its like to suffer thru this all your life and feel like it isnt ever going to get any better..and i am not going thru the greatest time right now but there is hope out there...i now have people after so many years and there h ave been little changes and hopefully they will keep coming for the better.
ari
p.s. oh and you are worth knowing...I talked to you chat that one day..and found you to be a very caring empathetic person

 

I had the one therapist I just finished with and he knew right now to work with me. I hate feeling like I am just another textbook case. They always seem to talk to me from one. I didn't like school and I don't like this. I don't really feel like giving this a chance but I will even though I find it ridiculous to do so. Like I said I'm just tired of even trying to do this. I appreciate the encouragement you've offered. It's nice to know that someone cares. I hope that I can keep this up long enough for it to make a difference. I guess time will only tell on that one. Thanx again, and I appreciate being heard. It doesn't come very often. Rhino

 

i am sorry that you feel like you havent been heard...here? in the real world? or both...it hard when you dont feel like anyone is in touch with what you are feeling because it makes it feel all the more worse
I am sorry that you are frusterated with therapists in general, they can be helpful but i do hear what you are say...you want them to treat you like a human right and not a student
I hope you hang on sweetie
hang on to people here and those the real world.....feel free to pm me anytime and i will try to get b ack at it as fast as i can
ari

 

I've decided it's time to pretty much stay quiet. I feel this is neccessary based on the fact I had someone tell me how needy I am. I don't want to put anyone out, and really being a nusance was strictly beaten out of me as a child. I'm sorry if I have been too much trouble. I really feel bad at the possiblity. I'm gonna go back to the totally lonely life I have always led before the I had access to the internet. I will say this. It's funny how one word can change your perspective and maybe your life. For the better? I'd say not, but I am not going to go into it. Take care