Does it really matter?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DarthBrett, Oct 9, 2016.

  1. DarthBrett

    DarthBrett Lone warrior against his demons

    I spent time with family today, I may only see my Dad and Step Mom a couple times a year despite them only living a couple hours away. Things felt almost perfect, my parents actively spending time with my kids. That feeling didn't last long. After supper we left and a crushing sadness snuck in...
    Why are the only around when we go there and it's comvieient for them?
    Why do they make so much more time for my brother and his family?
    Why have they pretty much written me off since I was 18?
    My wife has an attitude about this and it doesn't help but she can see the pain and anguish on my face, I can't hide it.
    I got stuck thinking tonight that we all die eventually, it's a fact of life.
    Does it really matter how many days are between now and then?
    Especially most days when it's all you can do to make it through the day?
    BitterandNumb likes this.
  2. moxman

    moxman Rosie is a wonderful woman, and an awesome person. Forum Pro

    Hello Darth, I am Mox

    My friend, you ask a lot of VERY good questions. The only way, solving to this problems are confronting your Dad and Step-mom. I get the picture, that these questions have been really bothering you a long time. I believe that you are not crazy, and you have some very good reasons to feel that way. I see this problem as affecting your entire family. It obviously hurts you. It causes stress between your wife and you. Marriage is hard enough, without anything extra being added too it. It is affecting the relationships of your children and Dad and Step mom.

    The sooner these issues get resolved, the better you will all be. You can put this burden down, it will help you and the rest of your family. You sound like you really love your family, this is hurting them.

    What kind of relationship do you have with your Dad and Step-mom?

    What kind of relationship do you think your brother has with them?

    Because you mention a step parent. Is your brother your full brother or your step brother? (I call my step-brother , my brother pretty much my whole life.)

    Because you guys live so far apart, maybe doing a Skype with both of them and your wife and you? Write down, your questions beforehand, and your supporting reasons. Try to have your kids out of your house for this conversation, it is going to be hard enough. With the kids being kids, it will just make things harder for your wife and you.

    Take Care
  3. JustCan'tQuit

    JustCan'tQuit Well-Known Member

    Hi Darth,

    I just happened to see this. I agree with everything that Mox said. I would like to add only one thing: making the conversation as positive as possible might help.

    People rarely respond well to being told about their failings, so a conversation that starts with "Why haven't you...?" or "Why don't you...?" or "What's the matter that you don't...?" probably won't go in the direction you hope for.

    But it could if you started out the way you did in your message above: "Our last visit to you was just about perfect. It made me so happy to see you playing with our kids. You haven't been in my life as much as I would like, and I wonder if that could change now. Would you be willing to be involved more with my family? It would be good for my kids, and it would make me really happy, too."

    See where they go with that. Maybe there will be more visits. In time, you may be able to say that you're happy you're back in their lives and just wonder what changed after you turned 18. By then, you might end up with thoughtful and kind (both directions) discussion.

    Would this work for you, do you think?
    moxman likes this.
  4. snowangel97

    snowangel97 Member

    Hi Darth! I'm SnowAngel97! I'm so very sorry you're feeling this way and I would love to talk with you about this! It sounds like this has been going on for a while. Do you know what the initial incident was that caused the strain in the relationship? I think all kids feel like one sibling or another gets more attention from the parents and that feeling is NORMAL! I have two younger sisters and I have always felt that they got more attention than me and I was always more like the outcast. Is that how you felt growing up or was it more when you became an adult?
    Next question- Have you had a chance to sit down and talk to your parents about this? Often times, they don't realize that they're treating one child differently or that you're feeling this way at all! Having a good heart to heart might really help. As I said before, it sounds like you've been feeling this way for a while. Have you ever thought about speaking to someone like a counselor or pastor? I've had friends who did and it really helped them!
    As for your final questions- YES it does matter how many days are in between life and death. I'm a big believer that each person impacts others around them, everyday, even if they don't know it. The more days you have on Earth, the more people you impact! For right now, I will pray that you find some peace and can work out the relationship with your parents. Good luck my friend! Life IS worth living and I'm sure you have TONS that you can offer the world!
    JustCan'tQuit likes this.
  5. DarthBrett

    DarthBrett Lone warrior against his demons

    If I were to pick a time that had the biggest impact on our relationship it would be when I was 15,I had wanted to move in with my Mom just for a change of scenery. I felt alone and isolated in my school and thought a change of scenery would do me some good. It had nothing to do with my parents. My Dada threatened me saying that our relationship would be forever changed and I backed down. The result was that it changed anyway, I resented him for making the threat and he resented me for wanting the move. I had brought it up a year later again and the end result was the same.
    I was more of a minimal maintenance kid in school from there stand point, I got decent grades in school and stayed out for of trouble. I kept to myself and internalized the struggle I had been going through. My brother not so much, he struggled in school and didn't make the greatest decisions so he got more of my parents attention for those reasons. My Dad worked and volunteered a lot so he wasn't in the picture a whole lot.
    When I finished high school and moved out it was less than a week after I moved out to go to school and I lost my room at home. Once I moved out they didn't have a whole lot to do with me. They were disappointed that I quit University after a year, got my gf pregnant(now my wife) at 19 and they were disappointed with my career choice.
    They see my brother(full blood) often and are quite proud of him, he did it the "right" way, got a career together, had a family and now live the perfect suburban life. My brother and I had a falling out a year and a half ago and speak seldom, we are civil at events we both have to be at but it never goes further than that.
    What makes the whole situation harder is my wife's parents are great grandparents, a little too involved at times but once we hammered down some boundaries they have been great. It makes me sad that my parents don't want the same thing.
    I'm not sure I have the strength right now for a confrontation, I feel like a big anxious, depressive mess and I'm not sure I could handle it if things went south with it. I am seeing a councillor but still in the very early stages, it hasn't seemed to help much yet but I've been told to be patient with it, it takes time.
    Sorry I rambled a bit but that's the short version.
    Thank you all for taking the time to respond.
  6. JustCan'tQuit

    JustCan'tQuit Well-Known Member

    I can understand your distress, but it's clear that your parents had some significant struggles of their own going on. Sounds as though a light bulb failed to go on for them: they invested attention in your struggling brother, so things got easier for him. They withdrew attention from you--probably because they had their hands full and figured you didn't need it--and your life got harder. And when it did, they blamed you, not themselves.

    Your sadness is natural, but this seems to be more about your parents' problems and blind spots than about your own.

    But let's see: you gave university a shot; you married your girlfriend and have a family you enjoy; you have a desire to have a close and healthy family; you've made a career choice and you support yourself. Doesn't sound to me as though you've got a lot to be ashamed of!

    It's hard to see that, though, when people act disapproving for their own reasons and when you feel overwhelmed.

    I'm glad you've found some counselling. I hope you're soon able to see your own worth.
    DarthBrett likes this.
  7. moxman

    moxman Rosie is a wonderful woman, and an awesome person. Forum Pro

    Hello Darth

    Couple of questions for the sake of clarity.
    When did your Step-mom come into the family?
    How do you feel like you get along with the Step-mom? She is obviously a very important piece of this "puzzle"
    Has there ever been a confrontation between your wife and dad/stepmom? (obviously the more people you add to any relationship, it is going to get more complicated)
    You mention, that you live a couple of hours away from dad and stepmom. Is your brother closer geographically, so it is easier for them to see each other?
    They were disappointed in your career choice, what was your career choice?
    What do you want to change exactly? Do you want to see them more often, if so how much? Do you want Dad/Stepmom involved in your kids lives, how would you want this to look like? I feel like your wife and you need to come to an agreement with what exactly you want from your dad/step-mom? Before you confront them, what are you willing to negotiate with them, and what is non-negotiable? I like @JustCan'tQuit ideas about posing your questions in more opening manners.

    Take Care
  8. snowangel97

    snowangel97 Member

    It seems like you can really self identify and know where your issues with your parents started. I mentioned before that my sisters always got more attention than me and seem like the perfect children growing up. As an adult, they still get more attention than me, but I've realized that it's because I'm more independent and have a more stable life. It sounds like you've always been a stronger, independent man and now you have this amazing wife and kids! I would keep working with the counselor, but you can always switch to a different one if you don't feel like you're making progress.

    Do you have a strong social life, outside of work and family? Maybe finding some ways to add to that would help. Things like book clubs, church, small groups within the church, gyms, etc are great ways to meet new people and expand your social circle.

    Honestly, you seem strong and know what you need to do to make it! Keep pushing through and try to focus on the good in life!
  9. DarthBrett

    DarthBrett Lone warrior against his demons

    My Stepmom came into my life when I was 8 and has been a big part of my life, she's been there for me more than my own mother. I ve gotten along with her fairly well over the years, we never had a falling out or anything like that but the same as my Dad my brother took up more of her time as we got older, he's two years younger than I am.
    There was never a confrontation between my wife and parents but there are hard feelings on both sides I think. My wife feels she gets largely ignored by my family when we get together and she doesn't like what they do to me by not making more of an effort to see us are the kids. My wife has said I'm "loyal to a fault" and I largely suffer in silence. I believe my parents harbour some hard feelings because she very rarely comes with me when I go for a visit, she's usually working and a lot of time on the way there and days leading up to it her attitude sucks.
    My brother lives maybe a half hour closer, it's not by much.
    I'm a long haul truck driver, been at it for almost 13 years now.
    I would just like them to be involved in their grand kids lives, I'm not sure what that looks like but I know a couple times a year is not nearly enough.
  10. DarthBrett

    DarthBrett Lone warrior against his demons

    I don't have have a social life outside of the people I deal with for work and my wife and kids, I don't really have friends. I've managed to push the ones I had away...I still talk to a couple every now and then but no one close enough to talk about this kind of stuff. Being a career trucker has put a lot of strain on all my relationships I guess.
  11. snowangel97

    snowangel97 Member

    My FIL is an over the road trucker, so I understand where you are coming from! I really think that finding a way to connect with others, when you're home, will help in the long run. I don't know if you're a believer, but my faith in God has really gotten me through some tough times. I find praying and connecting with other believers helps when I'm struggling. I will pray for you and your family!
    DarthBrett likes this.
  12. DarthBrett

    DarthBrett Lone warrior against his demons

    Thank you, I do believe in God but in recent years I've been angry with him/her. I feel the burden I have with anxiety, depression and some bad luck is more than I can bare. This probably makes doesn't make any sense though...
  13. moxman

    moxman Rosie is a wonderful woman, and an awesome person. Forum Pro

    Is your dad seriously still holding a grudge because of something you have done at age 15? Really? He needs to grow the fuck up. Your dad sounds like a very controlling person.

    You sound like you really like your stepmom.

    If I remember correctly, your dad and step mom got upset because you dropped out of Uni. Because your girlfriend/wife was pregnant?

    Have your wife and stepmom ever have a "girls day out?" maybe something like that, would help ease the hard feelings?

    I know they are upset with your career choice, what career did they want you to have? Doesn't matter, you did the right thing, you took a job to provide for your family. Can never fault a man for that. He is putting family first, that's the way it should be. Your a good guy.

    I feel like your wife and you need to sit down, and discuss what you would want from them. Then your wife and you approach them with that idea. Are you like wanting to leave them with your dad and stepmom for a week or so? I am just thinking that is a long drive for just a couple of hours. How old are your kids?

    I know you part of this, you are comparing your visits to your brother's visits. How often is your brother seeing them? Are his kids spending the night with them? Tell me more about this.
  14. DarthBrett

    DarthBrett Lone warrior against his demons

    Yes, I would say he was controlling., growing up if I voiced an opinion or disagreement he would respond by yelling. He was never physical or anything but I grew up walking on egg shells and to this day there's a part of me that's afraid of him. Very much a rule with the iron fist type. I'm not trying to throw him under the bus here because he gave me everything that I needed and there were lots of good times but I still deal with the darkness
    I love my stepmom, if you were to ask her how many kids she had she would tell you 3(I have a half brother who is 16 years younger). It takes a special person to walk in and raise kids that aren't biologically yours.
    Yes, I dropped out of Uni to provide for my family. We were able to keep her in school to finish her degree. I was supposed to go back to school but it never happened which is a point of friction between my wife and I
    My parents were hoping for me to get a white collared job, Doctor, Lawyer, Accountant instead of Blue Collar job that I have. Unfortunately trucking is a job a lot of people look down on.
    My kids are 14, 9and 7. They have spent a week out there in the past but it's been a few years since the last time.
    They see my brother at least once a month by sounds of it, he gets invites to events that I don't get. I guess I feel largely left out. Pretty sad when I get more invites to do stuff from my Father Inlaw.
  15. snowangel97

    snowangel97 Member

    Makes total sense! When we are going through a rough time, sometimes it's hard to see God and turn to him. I know that I've struggled with talking to God and feeling his presence when I'm going through a rough time. I've found that when I finally turn back to him and pray, I start to feel better. Do you have a local church you could go to?
  16. DarthBrett

    DarthBrett Lone warrior against his demons

    There are some in niebouring towns. I used to go to church regularily in high school until one woman ruined it for me and I never looked back. I've been extremely hesitant to go back.
  17. snowangel97

    snowangel97 Member

    I can understand that. My husband and I move frequently, so we have to find a new church every few years. It's tough, but worth it! Normally, I find one immediately, but with this move, it took a bit more effort. Now, I'm thrilled with my new church home and have found a women's group to work with. It's nice to have other people to talk to, besides my family. The connections really help. Are there any in that neighboring town that you're interested in?
  18. moxman

    moxman Rosie is a wonderful woman, and an awesome person. Forum Pro

    Instead of saying Dad and stepmom every time, would it be ok if I just call them your parents?

    Ok, it sounds like your career is causing you a lot of problems. It is causing problems between your wife, and you. It is causing problems between your dad and stepmom. I get the sense that you yourself, don't enjoy it. But it provides for your family, and that seems to be your main concern. You are a good man.

    Do you feel like you returning to UNI, is something that is totally out of the question due to your job? Just seems like that help make things easier between you and everyone else. Plus, you could be home more with wife and kids. Always a good thing.

    I personally, was in a situation similar to yours. I worked a lot of overtime. I was in classes, my son resents me for it. My son is borderline retarded. possible bipolar. I was just sharing my personal story, maybe it would help you in some way?

    Yeah, I can see now why you are so upset. If your brother and his family are seeing them every month. Your family sees them 2-3 times a year, yeah that is something to get pissed off about.

    Are you and your brother close? Does your families get along well? Maybe your brother and you could talk , and get your brother's opinion as to why your dad/step-mom see your family so rarely.

    Maybe have the two wives go out with the stepmom for the day doing "girl stuff" would help things? I am just throwing stuff out there.

    Your kids, sound like they are at very fun ages. I just wanted to make sure, you were not talking about infants/toddlers. If a relationship isn't formed with them very soon, they will never form one.

    Really sounds like like your wife and you are going to have to confront your dad/step mom about everything. Why do they not accept your wife? If your wife feels like she is not accepted, sounds like she has a valid reason for it. Forgive me for saying this, it is probably not my place but; I would be more concerned with them not accepting your wife. This sounds like it is causing hard feelings from your wife. You value your wife a lot, you have not said one bad thing about her. But maybe getting your wife accepted by them is more important to seeing them more often. Maybe if your wife was accepted, they would invite you over more. Does that make sense?

    One possible issue I could see coming up. I don't know anything about your family and you. Maybe your dad/stepmom, don't think you can afford it financially to see them more often? They are trying to help you out financially?? I don't know, it is something I just thought of, thought I would throw it out there. I am trying to see things from your dad/stepmoms point of view.
  19. DarthBrett

    DarthBrett Lone warrior against his demons

    The funny thing is when I started trucking I loved it, now the miles and years have worn on me and taken a toll on me. Unfortunately the courses I want to take are all full time and part time wouldn't work anyway with my schedule. Not only that but my pay would be cut in half so it's not going to happen.
    My brother and I used to be close but we had a falling out a couple of years ago, we only speak to each othee when we have to and that's it. I don't see that changing anytime soon and our wives don't like each other and never have. Truth be told I don't care much for her either.
    Yep we can refer to them as just parents, that works. Feel free to keep sharing personal insight, it helps me feel a little less crazy knowing other people have fought similar battles, know what I mean?
  20. moxman

    moxman Rosie is a wonderful woman, and an awesome person. Forum Pro

    Going to tell you a secret, being married is F'g hard. Being a dad to three kids is F'g hard . You sound like you are doing great overall. Just a couple of side issues to work out.

    Gtg D&D time (Dad and Daughter) she is threatening to fire me
    DarthBrett likes this.