does life ever get better... i cant handle this cycle, and failure

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by randomguy9, Feb 20, 2010.

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  1. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity Chat Pro

    I have been battleing suicidal feeligns for as long as i can remember...

    My elementary schools years, I was the outcast... no athletic ability, picked in sports after half the girls, and it was uncool to be friends with me.

    High school, I refused to let that happen again. I never made an effort to connect to anybody. At least that way no one would be constantly insulting me.

    Outside of school, I connected to a girl who i came to see as a sister. Deepest relationship I ever had. I saw her as a sister.

    In school, a girl in my class reached out to me, and brought me out of my shell you could say... finally felt like part of a group. Another firend in that class helped make my life better as well.... life was good for the first time ever.



    So what happens? first the freind from outside of school moves, we keep in touch and aucutally become closer.

    one of the people from school leaves for college... we pretty much never talk.

    then the outside of school friend eventually removes me from her facebook friends list... may sound like nothing, but that was our main way of keeping in touch, so that was basically a "**** you thanks for nothing... those times you stayed up late to talk, *** them, those times i confided in you **** off".

    After that, just when I think i am going to lose it... the last friend in the world I have moves. I thought this ****ing cycle was broken... as soon as i connect to someone they stab me in the back or move.

    What kept me going was college... I somehow, last semester taking two classes got As in both of them. Was a lot of work, but for the first time ever I felt like I could make something of my life.

    Now... this semester, I am stressed out to much. I need that 4.0 GPA... it is the only thing that keeps me from losing it... I have had to many late nights, not understanding material despite time in the tutoring centers... Have some huge assignments and i am not sure how I can ever get them done, much less do them well, much less do all of them and get As in them...

    I need that GPA... I need to have some feeling of accomplishment in my life. I can not handle failing again... and if i do... then that's it.

    The only thing that keeps me going is my mother... I can not kill her son after all those sacrifices she has made... but I can only live for someone else for so long...

    I am just lost... I hate my job, hate my living arrangement,s its looking like I am to stupid for school, and I will never transfer to any place that the degree will mean something, and get me somewhere...

    I cant make friends... I refuse to get stabbed in the back again, and its pointless since people keep leaving my life. I am just overwhelmed by everything...

    not even sure I am asking what is in this post... but I guess im hoping someone here has advice... even though i am no longer sure what I am asking for.

    I remember in my teenage years, when i was more vocal about my feelings, family always said "life gets better." im 20 now... and its worse then before.
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know thsi probably won't be of much help. But you're not stupid. The fact that you can even come CLOSE to getting such a high GPA is amazing! But you don't have to be perfect. You can still be successful even if you don't get a 4.0 GPA.

    I'm sorry you've been hurt by so many people... :hug:
     
  3. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity Chat Pro

    It was only two classes... anyone can do that. I take more of a full load, and suddenly im a C/D student again... and have no life what so ever in the process.
     
  4. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    YES. YOUR LIFE WILL GET BETTER.

    All you need to do is to be brave enough to ask for help. It is going to be extremely hard. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But be selfish, think of yourself, and swallow your pride. You will thank yourself afterward.

    Actually, we are very similar: I was the kid always picked on. Elementary school and espeically middle school. At the end of high school, though, nearly everyone had grown up (and I'd also given myself a makeover, both personality and physical).

    One question: do you need the 4.0? Like, do you need it to keep a scholarship, or do you need it for a sense of accomplishment? Getting a 3.5 isn't the end of the world. My current GPA is somewhere in the 3.4s, maybe higher, and I was invited into the honor society.

    Also, you do need friends. Maybe you can't handle face-to-face right now, but we're your friends too!

    My PM box is always open. Stay strong honey! :console:
     
  5. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity Chat Pro

    Without it, then I am accomplishing nothing... tried to check my GPA, but apparently im to stupid to even remember a freaking password... It is the since of accomplishment I need... it was the only thing that kept me from finding a way to die at the end of last semester... I have committed to wait till grades are back... but it is already looking horrible... Got two huge english papers due, got to decide on a topic for a final project in another class... I just... idk... I refuse to drop english for a 3rd time... but if i can do well in it, then i might as well just kiss college goodbye since its needed for every freaking degree out there.
     
  6. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity Chat Pro

    Well 8pm... and I am still up studying, and have to read a chapter in 1 subject, do hw in it, and a paper in another subject done, and proofread another paper... I dont know how I am going to suceed thsi semester.
     
  7. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Having a goal is a good thing. I know that I have never had any real goals. Now I am just waiting to disown everyone in my current life so I can kill myself and get it over with.

    I will say that when I was in college life was very stressful. While I lacked the will to get anything better than a 2.5 GPA. It was still a stressful time. Anyone who actually graduates from college will tell you the same.

    My father always told me that college was not about education. It was about endurance. You go to school all day and then you do your homework all night. That is all you do. If you learn something from it then more power to you. But really college teaches you how to endure.

    I can say that life gets easier once you get your first job. So you just have to tough it out. I know I did, and my life seemed better once I was done. Of course that was 2 years ago and here I am again. If anything graduating college and getting out on your own will distract you. Like bills and budgeting. I spent the better portion of my life trying to get my expenses in order. Stressful work, but rewarding when you can prove to others that you can handle yourself.

    I am not going to say life will get better. Life will get easier, however, given my current experience you may just wind up right here again like me... so yeah... I guess I am full of it...
     
  8. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity Chat Pro

    Well...

    Just rememberd I have the start of a huge project due tomarrow, which i completely blaned on in the wake of my english class, and I doubt I am doing well in that...

    this feels more and more pointless daily... no matter how much help I get, I am still scrrweed...
     
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