I have been battleing suicidal feeligns for as long as i can remember... My elementary schools years, I was the outcast... no athletic ability, picked in sports after half the girls, and it was uncool to be friends with me. High school, I refused to let that happen again. I never made an effort to connect to anybody. At least that way no one would be constantly insulting me. Outside of school, I connected to a girl who i came to see as a sister. Deepest relationship I ever had. I saw her as a sister. In school, a girl in my class reached out to me, and brought me out of my shell you could say... finally felt like part of a group. Another firend in that class helped make my life better as well.... life was good for the first time ever. So what happens? first the freind from outside of school moves, we keep in touch and aucutally become closer. one of the people from school leaves for college... we pretty much never talk. then the outside of school friend eventually removes me from her facebook friends list... may sound like nothing, but that was our main way of keeping in touch, so that was basically a "**** you thanks for nothing... those times you stayed up late to talk, *** them, those times i confided in you **** off". After that, just when I think i am going to lose it... the last friend in the world I have moves. I thought this ****ing cycle was broken... as soon as i connect to someone they stab me in the back or move. What kept me going was college... I somehow, last semester taking two classes got As in both of them. Was a lot of work, but for the first time ever I felt like I could make something of my life. Now... this semester, I am stressed out to much. I need that 4.0 GPA... it is the only thing that keeps me from losing it... I have had to many late nights, not understanding material despite time in the tutoring centers... Have some huge assignments and i am not sure how I can ever get them done, much less do them well, much less do all of them and get As in them... I need that GPA... I need to have some feeling of accomplishment in my life. I can not handle failing again... and if i do... then that's it. The only thing that keeps me going is my mother... I can not kill her son after all those sacrifices she has made... but I can only live for someone else for so long... I am just lost... I hate my job, hate my living arrangement,s its looking like I am to stupid for school, and I will never transfer to any place that the degree will mean something, and get me somewhere... I cant make friends... I refuse to get stabbed in the back again, and its pointless since people keep leaving my life. I am just overwhelmed by everything... not even sure I am asking what is in this post... but I guess im hoping someone here has advice... even though i am no longer sure what I am asking for. I remember in my teenage years, when i was more vocal about my feelings, family always said "life gets better." im 20 now... and its worse then before.