Does life have to be difficult?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Matrixcrypt, Jan 16, 2013.

  1. Matrixcrypt

    Matrixcrypt Active Member

    For most of my life I've lived with loneliness hardships. I was abused physically and verbally by my parents, and most of my extended family hated me, especially the ones around my age because I was the "nerd".
    My mother used to beat me up on daily basis, and my father did the same whenever he had some time to spare. I used to have a younger sister who I used to love so much, she was not spared from the abuse either.
    My sister used to be ill and sick most of the time, that's why she used to cry a lot. My mother would slap my sister in the face each time she cries to shut her up, and by shut her up I mean beat her till she is exhausted from the crying and the beating.
    One time when I was around 11 my mother was beating up my sister and I went and punched my mom in the stomach and told her to stop. She then stopped beating my sister and started beating me up, then my father did the same.
    When I was 16 my sister was 13. She was so sick and so ill, but my mother would still beat her up. Then one day the illness, along with the abuse, took my sister's life. She died in the hospital, her lungs gave out. That broke my heart to no end.
    The most fucked up part was that my parents had no remorse whatsoever. How can people be so evil like that?

    I used to be depressed for my whole life, but when my sister died I started considering suicide as an option. I started doing street drugs to ease my pain for about a year.
    Then when I was around 17 I attempted suicide by overdosing on drugs. That did not work at all. I just got sick for few days, it was really painful.
    I decided to leave from the place I lived in, to leave the whole country and get away from my parents and all the people I knew.
    I never had real friends. Most people I knew used me and took advantage of me, and some of them ended our supposed friendship by bullying me in school.
    I immersed myself with reading, studying, and working. I couldn't stand staying home or having a moment with my thoughts of sadness.
    One my cousins used to go to the same school as I did. He was 2 years older than me, but he used to fail a lot so we ended up in the same class.
    He was nice to me, for a change. I enjoyed spending time with him. We finished high school and went to different colleges.
    Then a year later I was kicked out from college, I was discriminated against by a professor who "did not like people like me" and there was nothing I could do about it.
    Then I went to a different college, the same one my cousin was going to. I thought at least I will have someone to spend time with. Later that year someone shot my cousin with a shotgun in the face! Why? Because there were some rumors that my cousin was gay. I felt so shitty! I felt so disgusted! And the guy who shot my cousin was let free.

    I then adopted two cats and took care of them of a couple of years. My father was giving me hard time about them. He did not want animals in the house. I used to fight with him about them on daily basis. Then one day I woke up and my cats were gone. My father put the cats in a bag, tied the bag, and throw it in a farm somewhere. Again, how can people be this cruel and evil?

    I was 21 when I attempted suicide again. This time it was a huge overdose, really huge. I lost consciousness for a couple of days and woke up in the hospital. My father told me then "you are a failure and disgrace to me, what would the family and people think if me if you kill yourself?" I kept silent and didn't say anything. I got out from the hospital and the incident was documented as "overdose by mistake". I worked my ass off as a full time student and a full time worker, going home just to sleep at night. I didn't take any vacations or holidays. I was either studying or working, or sometimes tutoring and teaching science at summer school.

    Until one day I managed to graduate and save enough money to leave the country. I left. But my depression didn't cease. I've been living on my own in this new country for about a year now. Most of my time I was lonely and depressed.
    I still go to school, although it became just something to do to distract myself. I remember when I was a kid I used to enjoy learning, but not anymore.
    I received my PhD a couple of days ago. I'm almost 24. This is something most people would consider an achievement and be happy about. I felt nothing. I'm not planning on leaving school either, nothing else I feel like doing.

    I'm seeing this lovely girl I met. She is the nicest, sweetest, loveliest and most caring and understanding person I've ever met my entire life. She sparks life into my heart and mind again. I feel so lucky that I met her. I'm afraid that I might lose her, she is just too precious to me. I just wish life would be easier from now on with no more tragedies.
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You have a had a very difficult life to now but with the PHD and continued studies, plus meeting the lady and a new start away from a toxic family - it sounds like you are moving on and putting tragedy behind you. There will always be ups and downs and some tragedies in life but it does sound very much like you are taking steps in the right direction towards happiness and contentment possibly. It took 24 years to get to this - give it a chance to work now you are there.

    Take Care and Be Safe

  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It took great strength h un to get away from that toxic place and i do hope now you are in a new place and found new friend that you can start to heal and move forward hun
    If the sadness does not leave h un talk to your doctor ok and see what supports can be put in place to help you Take one day at a time and enjoy the new found freedom you have and the new relationship and try not to worry hun about what will be Live in the present tense ok hug
  4. LynnD

    LynnD Well-Known Member

    It sounds like you have had a pretty tragic life. I'm sure that this girl will be with you for a long time as long as you are honest, caring, and not a judgemental person, since most people, from my experience, hate being with those type of people.
  5. Matrixcrypt

    Matrixcrypt Active Member

    Thanks for the encouragement. I wish I can achieve happiness and contentment someday.
  6. Matrixcrypt

    Matrixcrypt Active Member

    Thanks for the hug :cheerful:
    I'm trying to enjoy my new found freedom and to improve my relationship. It's just that depression seems to spark up sometimes and brings me down.
  7. Matrixcrypt

    Matrixcrypt Active Member

    I hope she will be with me for a long time, if not forever. I just love her so much, and I feel so lucky that somehow she entered my life. I'm honest and caring and not a judgmental person. I've been abused by people who have the exact opposite of these traits. I would never be like them, not that I need to force myself not to be like them, since I'm just not, but sometimes the depression voice in my head says to me otherwise. I need to learn to ignore that voice and go on with my life in the right direction, and by meeting this lovely lady I believe I am going in the right direction. :smile: