Does my pain of living outweigh the pain of those I would hurt by suicide?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jupiter1958, Apr 1, 2013.

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  1. Jupiter1958

    Jupiter1958 New Member

    I think of suicide everyday and several times each day. I find reasons not to do it and have done so since I was a teenager after a failed suicide attempt. The reasons to stay seem to be harder to find each day and the fear of the pain I would cause those I leave behind as a reason not to do it lessens with each passing day. I've bargained, cajoled, harrassed, threatened myself for years to just not do it as I always barely found a suitable reason not to, but I have come to realize at the end of each day lately I do not matter and my suicide would not be felt by me emotionally, so why care? I find no joy in life and as I once heard it put though I cannot credit the author, "I pine for the sweet release of death". I fear I am a coward or I would have already done it. The strength I need that I've lacked in the past seems to grow each day to complete the failed task I started forty years ago. I remember another line from a song (again I cannot give credit to it's author) that I used to describe my life's journey, "I believe in God and truth and right, yet I wander in the night without direction". I now wonder why when I'm in the dark places and secret corners of my mind, I do not just stay there and utilize that mood and do not come back to the light. My soul seems to ache and I care less about going to hell as perhaps I belong there as I already seem to be in hell in my mind. I apologize if none of this makes sense, but on the other hand, what does it matter either way?
     
  2. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    I think the short answer to your question is no- no one knows how much everyone will be hurt by suicide. Not to mention the people you haven't met yet. There are some wonderful people in the world, and I have a sneaky suspicion you are on of them. You are obviously a caring person, and caring people are in very very short supply in a world that needs them very badly. We need you here in life and you definitely deserve to live a life that is not so hard. Maybe not death, but a different life? Harder than what it sounds, I know- TRUST ME I know :)
     
  3. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    I couldn't agree with this more, I hope you're okay? Or feeling at least a little better?
     
  4. Tangerine

    Tangerine Active Member

    I too hope you'll be okay.
     
  5. Jupiter1958

    Jupiter1958 New Member

    Thank you for the kind thought. Death is easy I think, it is the living that is hard. I've never walked away from the job to be done, but the one job I have left is done. Now I am just waiting to go and the wait becomes the difficulty in my life. I am not alone, I have children, grandchildren, siblings and my Mother is still alive. I hide the feelings and the hiding becomes more difficult each day. I do not care about myself, but only care about those that care for me. That is what is becoming harder each day for me, to care what they think and would feel and does it outweigh what I want. But the darkness grows each day. Thank you again and I wish you the best.
     
  6. exilant

    exilant Member

    I am at a loss to say the right things. Maybe there are no right things. I also don´t want to write that I understand where you´re at. But I don´t, because we all have our own battles to fight and even though we might feel alike it will never be the same.

    I wished you´d care for yourself more, for the living, aspiring you. Just like broke said: you sound like a caring and compassionate person and you deserve to be happy. I am sending you strength and a big THANK YOU for the quote ["I believe in God and truth and right, yet I wander in the night without direction"] - because it is absolutely brilliant and it brought a (sad) smile to my face.
     
  7. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Hmm... well I can answer the question in the subject. The correct answer is yes your pain is more than their combined pain. One thing I have learned over the past couple of years is that you cannot put others before yourself. All that does is cause you stress and takes away from your life. True being selfish is a bad thing, but being too selfless is probably worse.

    I think you need to sit down and take care of yourself before you take care of others. In all aspects of life. Next time you find yourself wondering how something might affect someone else, you need to instantly think "Why Should I Care". Things might seem a little better if you do that.
     
  8. johnw

    johnw New Member

    The song is Flowers Never Bend With The Rainfall, by Simon & Garfunkel.
    No one in the thread asked, but have you ever looked for therapy to discuss these feelings you had for so many years?
     
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