I'm not in the habbit of getting so unhappy about relationship problems, but i think it's having lots of other problems to top it that makes me go over the edge when there is something wrong in my relationship. i have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. at the start of our relationship he cheated on me, and it has wrecked my self esteem. I don't enjoy having sex now atall, although i was raped when i was 18 so that could have something to do with it too. I feel numb, i wish i could enjoy sex but i really don't, i just feel anxious and wrong doing it. I have a large emount of guilt about sex too, like it's not right for me to enjoy it, makes me feel sick. I always wonder why he wanted me back after he cheated, why he didn't just go with her. he said he thought it was over, because we had been arguing so much, and that he wanted to end it, but then why go back to me? we have talked about it 100 times, and neither time has made me feel any more secure. Sometimes i forget all about it and can get on with life (as much as i can) but other times it just rips me apart, all the questions about them and what happened. I know i should forget but i can't, i get intrustive thoughts about it that won't leave my head, and they haunt me. I also have OCD in the form on pure O. anyone else suffer from this? Knowing the thoughts might never go away is too much for me. every relationship i've had where i've felt intense love always gose wrong and i end up feeling miserable. desperate to love again, but feel so numb like i am not capible to love, you know what i mean? the more relationships i've had the more numb i've become like a robot, unable to feel any emotions. I'm wondering if there is such a thing as a blissful love? i never feel blissful in my self anyway. I've I was bullied in school alot, and beaten by my dad when i was 7 and that made me a very anxious child. I've never managed to keep friends long, they are always only temperary in my life untill they get fed up with me. Even online friends. I met a girl about a year ago and she was really sweet and then suddenly she started to ignore me but still talk with her other friends. and i thought this time i had made a proper friend who liked me. I am very quiet and i think appear strange to people, but i'm trying so hard but still don't make it. I am so lonely and just want something, i don't know what i want, maybe just some peace from my constant thoughts, i can never switch off my brain. maybe a friend, who will not just leave me when they get bored.