does real love have to hurt?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by coffeekitten, Jun 11, 2010.

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  1. coffeekitten

    coffeekitten Active Member

    I'm not in the habbit of getting so unhappy about relationship problems, but i think it's having lots of other problems to top it that makes me go over the edge when there is something wrong in my relationship.

    i have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. at the start of our relationship he cheated on me, and it has wrecked my self esteem. I don't enjoy having sex now atall, although i was raped when i was 18 so that could have something to do with it too. I feel numb, i wish i could enjoy sex but i really don't, i just feel anxious and wrong doing it.

    I have a large emount of guilt about sex too, like it's not right for me to enjoy it, makes me feel sick.

    I always wonder why he wanted me back after he cheated, why he didn't just go with her. he said he thought it was over, because we had been arguing so much, and that he wanted to end it, but then why go back to me?

    we have talked about it 100 times, and neither time has made me feel any more secure. Sometimes i forget all about it and can get on with life (as much as i can) but other times it just rips me apart, all the questions about them and what happened. I know i should forget but i can't, i get intrustive thoughts about it that won't leave my head, and they haunt me.

    I also have OCD in the form on pure O. anyone else suffer from this? Knowing the thoughts might never go away is too much for me.

    every relationship i've had where i've felt intense love always gose wrong and i end up feeling miserable. desperate to love again, but feel so numb like i am not capible to love, you know what i mean?

    the more relationships i've had the more numb i've become like a robot, unable to feel any emotions. I'm wondering if there is such a thing as a blissful love? i never feel blissful in my self anyway.

    I've I was bullied in school alot, and beaten by my dad when i was 7 and that made me a very anxious child.

    I've never managed to keep friends long, they are always only temperary in my life untill they get fed up with me. Even online friends. I met a girl about a year ago and she was really sweet and then suddenly she started to ignore me but still talk with her other friends. and i thought this time i had made a proper friend who liked me.

    I am very quiet and i think appear strange to people, but i'm trying so hard but still don't make it.

    I am so lonely and just want something, i don't know what i want, maybe just some peace from my constant thoughts, i can never switch off my brain. maybe a friend, who will not just leave me when they get bored.
  2. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    >.> well honestly I think that you do not love your current boyfriend like you think you do. I think you are with him more out of lack of self-respect. I might be there with you soon hun... so I probably should not be saying this, nut you need to get away from him.

    You sound like a very loving trusting girl. However, trust is fragile, the fact that he wrecked any foundation of trust right off the bat says that he is probably going to take advantage of your trust again. I know if a girl cheated on me I would be devastated, but I also know I want better. So you should leave him. Real love does not come with this pain hun. It comes with other pains, worry, desire stuff like that. Annoying things but not detrimental things.

    Have Some alone time hun. You say you feel more and more like a robot the more relationships you are in. Break the cycle live on your own for a bit.

    :hug: I wish I could offer better advice... :( wish I could take my own advice. :) if you want someone to talk to PM me ok hun. Maybe I can help you analyze your thoughts.
  3. taond

    taond New Member

    Hi coffee, to be honest it doesn’t sound like your boyfriend respects you like ho should, by the fact he cheated on you. I agree with forgotten that:
    A) You may not love him
    B) He definitely doesn’t love you.
    B) You sound like a great person.

    To be honest you may need a few weeks away from him to re-evaluate your goals relationship advice.

    Another thing is I understand how you feel friends wise. I’m an introverted and shy person, not very outgoing and because of this I have lost friends some good, some not so good. All temporary though.

    I have a few other problems that have caused me to become suicidal, depressed and to self-harm but I’m receiving treatment at the moment though the doctors. But let’s not go into me at the moment, so if you want to talk I'm sure everyone on the fourms will be avalible as well as my self.
  4. coffeekitten

    coffeekitten Active Member

    I Don't know if i agree that he doesn't love me. Maybe he didn't love me then, we had been only dating for around 5 months, long distance and we argued all the time, mainly because i was insecure. I kinda blame myself sometimes because i was talking to a guy alot from work, just friendly, but he got the wrong idea and thought it was gonna be over between us.

    He does seem like he regrets it alot and is very guilty. He tells me he loves me everyday. Tbh i think it's kinda stupid i can't get over it, i think it's just because i am so insecure about my appearance and i'm always comparing myself to her. I've never met a female who i don't think is more attractive than me. i always see something about them that is better, but i guess that is just the way i am.

    I always compare myself to my sisters too, and go to the gym almost everyday, because i've always been a bit fatter than my sisters, i somehow think my parents are not as proud of me, so i exhaust myself to be as good as them. I know it sounds kinda of sad, i just can't get those thoughts out my head. I love my family, but am finding it less stressful living in another country from them now, so i don't always feel the need to compete. but i am still wanting to lose weight before i see them again, it makes me anxious to think of seeing them again the way i am now.

    anyway, thank you both for your replys
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Well hun you are more forgiving than I. I would take back my ex, but she would have to really earn my love back. I still say if it happened once it will happen again. Not too mention the fact that the cheating will always be there. :( I wish you the best of luck working through this. Just make sure it is not your insecurity driving your feelings.

    :lol!: about your sisters, I do the same thing. They are such pretty girls and There is fat old me. I know that feeling. I wish I had the courage to move far away from my family. Well I am rooting for your weight loss as I know how incredibly hard it is :D go Coffee :)
  6. coffeekitten

    coffeekitten Active Member

    i know that if he ever cheats again, i will definitely break up with him then.
  7. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Sometimes the heart can be foolish sometimes it can be misleading, but always follow your heart. That way you will never live with regret. Never look back either never fear the choices you make in love, because at the time you did it for the right reasons you
  8. coffeekitten

    coffeekitten Active Member

    thanks lostsjavatest :)
  9. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I wish you the best of luck hun. Listen to LostJavaTest... his words will help you reach happiness.

    @LostsJavaTest: Good advice, if your heart has doubt in it then you will always be wary of It and lose that passion... guess that is why I am so screwed up.
  10. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm so much like that too. For me I think I never get to feel closure on these things. I am a very insecure person with low self esteem and several mental health issues. I know these add to my problems with trusting others.

    Too well. And because I feel like this I really believe it's why I always seem to attract the same kind of people to me. I never seem to find the person that actually loves me. But what they show I want so badly to believe is love that I fall madly for them and all their promises that I so desperately need to hear and feel.

    Uh huh. And I end up feeling like it's something I did. Something I didnt do when I should of or didnt say the right thing, or was misunderstood. But it's always my fault. I tell myself never again. I wont let anyone in. It's too painful. But I do and always end up being hurt. Feeling like I've been left completely behind.

    Hun there are really good people here. People that understand all too well how you're feeling. Keep posting. Let them help you and offer support. It sures feels a lot better than battling all alone. You're here..... you arent alone anymore :arms:
  11. taond

    taond New Member

    Hay coffee, I may of been a bit over zealous about what I said about the love thing.

    You say you are trying to lose weight. I can't comment on that to be honest but I am trying to lose weight myself and looking for a few people to achieve that goal with. If you are willing we can do this together.

    You say that you haven’t met a female that you don’t think is more attractive, I don’t believe that. Each woman is attractive in their own right and by the sounds of it you are a great person and that is more important.

    What you decide to do I wish the best of luck and hang in there.
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