Hi Panda,
Please be careful! I think I can understand the feeling of wanting to believe. But the important thing to realise is that religion, of all kinds, is not actually about belief as such. And 'faith' has nothing to do with it either.
Religion serves one purpose and one only, and that is to give people a sense of community with one another. And we all want to belong to something, to be a part of something, so desperately. The fact that we cannot fulfill the need to belong is the reason that most of us are here, on this forum!
Seriously, think about it. I don't think you are going to find anyone with suicidal feelings who also feels like they 'belong', to whatever it might be. Just feeling like you fit in at work or school is usually enough to give a feeling of belonging sufficient to make suicide not just an unnatractive concept, but a frightening idea. And it would be very hard to find anyone who feels the contentment of belonging who is suicidal. That is why I maintain that depression is not generally a mental illness, as it is almost always a result of feeling as if you don't 'belong'. Only in a very few cases would it be justified to treat depression as a mental illness. That is why I cannot condemn suicidal thoughts as being somehow 'wrong', as they are a natural result of the horrible feelings of loneliness and despair brought about by not 'belonging'.
So, you might think that religion is a good idea right? Something to belong to?
As I asked before, please be careful. The reason religion is such a problem, and not a general solution for those who feel as we do, is that all religions strictly define what you may and may not belong to. What I mean by this is that the religion is not interested at all in your beliefs as they are before you join the religion. Religions are also not interested in having you discover or develop your own beliefs either. There may be folks out there who want to take me to task about that last statement, they should take a closer look at Buddhism and Wicca before mentioning them, and don't start me on Universal Unitarianism!
In a religion, sure, you will have a sense of belonging. But that belonging goes only so far as your acceptance of the doctrine presented, as evidenced to other members of the religion by your behaviour. If you do not accept what they say, you will be kicked out. And no matter how bad you feel now, it will be a pleasant memory for you after you are rejected by your religion!
Sure, some people are capable of 'toeing the line' and fitting in. But the fact you are on this forum, feeling the way you do, is a good sign of your strong sense of independence, not something compatible with religion.
What is needed is to find some way to interact with others, in a group to which you feel you really belong, but without having to sign up to any particular doctrine. Might I suggest that you have already found such a group?
Yes, US!
Of course, the only drawback of 'belonging' to such a group is the nature of what ties us together. Suicide, one way or another. But this need not be the only focus here, that is why large chunks of this site are devoted to discussion of things other than suicide.
We are very interested in who you are, and we wouldn't want to make you believe anything! We care for you because you are you, it is unconditional, and continues no matter what. And you will always be a part of the US that is this site.
So, if you want something to believe in, come and believe in US (Including yourself!)
John. (One of US!)