I don't think I'm as depressed as many people seem to be. Although don't get me wrong, I'm depressed. I'm almost 40, I have a lot of things working against me in my life and I don't feel like getting much older. I'm stuck in a line of employment I hate because my credit is bad and I can't qualify for a student loan to get retrained. There's so much more I could add but I didn't come here to dwell on the issues. I'm not THAT depressed, I'm more lazy I think and I just feel stuck in certain areas in my life. I'm more worried about my family, if it wasn't for them I'd probably have already left this place. The Buddhists say if we commit suicide, we'll do it 500 more times. but, what if I did this 2 or 3 hundred lives ago? Then does that mean I'm gonna do it anyway this time? Am I just prolonging something that's inevitable? Some people say that killing yourself solves nothing and that you're reborn into a new life with the same problems. But wouldn't there be some relief in getting a new start? They say part of all this is leaving your family to mourn you, but isn't it also sad to live your life just to keep people from having to miss you? I'm a bit caught between a rock and a hard place. I don't want people to be sad. I want them to be happy for me that I am going on a trip. I believe in life after death 100%, the thought of dying doesn't bother me much at all. I guess since so many people attach negative emotions to death and suicide it's hard to escape that association. I'm not saying I'm totally happy to end my life, but I'm not completely depressed and negative either. It's just not convenient anymore. I hate my job, can't go to school, I'm getting old, I don't have a ton of friends, my family is there a little bit but not much really, some other things which I don't wanna discuss here also, and when I add it all up it starts to spell "goodbye". Funny thing actually, I felt like this a few times before in my life but I still had opportunities to go to school, or change my career, or travel etc. Now none of these things are possible at the moment. I'm facing a brick wall and I'm just not that interested in finding a way around it. I can't be bothered to put in the effort. It just doesn't seem worth it. Do you know what I mean? I'm not massively depressed, I just can't be bothered. Where's the reward?