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Does this count as rape?

#1
Recently, I've been doubting whether or not I was raped. Assuming it wasn't actually sexual abuse, I wouldn't be a victim, and my shame would triple. It would mean I wanted it. I guess.

The question comes down to...is coercion rape?

I believe at that time if I had given my best to fight him off, the sex wouldn't have happened. But how could I punch or kick my fiance? I couldn't even bear to see him hurt in the slightest. And repeatedly saying no to penetration was extraordinarily hard.

So, since I didn't physically evade him and was merely threatened with abandonment (I had an issue with that, and he knew it) if I didn't give him what he wanted, I probably wasn't raped...

I desperately want someone else's input. A therapist told me it all depends on interpretation, yet it is in my understanding that most do not consider persuasion rape. If that is the case, everything I've been "whining" about--mental issues I've attributed to being raped--would mean nothing. I'd be a wimp. I certainly feel like one.
 
#2
Sorry that this happened and that you're dealing with how to interpret it.

From a legal perspective, I don't know what qualifies as rape, but unless you're planning to press charges or take other legal action, the legal definition doesn't really matter.

I think morally, it's just as bad as if he had used physical force. He knew you didn't want to have sex and used a threat to force you do something against your will. Maybe it's even worse than rape by a stranger using physical force.

It would mean I wanted it
You clearly didn't want it. It's not your fault. Yes, in my opinion it was rape.
 

Dante

In the SF doghouse with Burt
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#3
Legally, I would say you weren't, but morally?

Lets explore rape shall we? (a sentence I never thought I would be typing with a serious face) Cambridge dictionary defines rape as "to force someone to have sex when they are unwilling, using violence or threatening behaviour" It also defines "force" as "to make something happen or make someone do something difficult, unpleasant, or unusual, especially by threatening or not offering the possibility of choice" and "threat" as "a suggestion that something unpleasant or violent will happen, especially if a particular action or order is not followed" and I'm sure I don't need to define sex.

What he did was to make you do something you didn't want to do and already refused to do (thus showing you were unwilling) by using the threat of something so wholly unpleasant that you had no choice but to do as he wanted. This quite neatly fulfils the definition of Rape as far as Cambridge dictionary is concerned, and I think they got it pretty much spot on, so the action fits, but what about the intention.

If he was simply unwilling to be tied to a woman who wouldnt put out and let you know his intention of leaving if he couldnt have the relationship he needed, which you then responded to, it makes him a prick, but not necessarily a rapist, but if he were intentionally using something he knew had power over you, intentionally manipulating you without any real intention to leave, that makes his intent to rape you.

If his action and intention was to force you to have sex against your will, then no matter what threat he used to get there, that makes him a rapist in my book.
 

Ash600

Of dust and shadows
SF Creative
SF Supporter
#4
In addition to what's been said here already, I just want to put this out there, coercion does not count as consent and would be considered as sexual assault. The exact interpretation would vary I'd expect depending on what country you're in, but from what you have said, it is cleat that it was non-consensual.
 

Auri

🎸🎼Metal Star🎼🎸
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#5
Hi @anotherme . I'm really sorry to hear what you've been through, none of it was your fault. Please remember that... You know, it's ok to attribute your mental health issues to whatever traumatized you, and especially in order to get the therapy and treatment you need for the symptoms and feelings you suffer from. They exist, no matter what anyone else's opinion is. The circumstances don't matter, your experience and how it affected you are entirely valid and no one else in the world has the right to say otherwise, it doesn't depend on the interpretation. So please be kind to yourself, and don't listen to people who are not on your side (or whatever the law says).

That being said, even if in some places coercion does not fall in the definition of that particular word yet, any person who manipulates you into having sex, who doesn't care about making sure that you are entirely comfortable and that you have the desire to do whatever you do, is a piece of shit in my book. Sorry for the language, I'm unhappy.

Feel free to PM me anytime, I care, and as you can see, lots of other people are on your side. ♡ *sadhug
 
#8
Legally, I would say you weren't, but morally?

Lets explore rape shall we? (a sentence I never thought I would be typing with a serious face) Cambridge dictionary defines rape as "to force someone to have sex when they are unwilling, using violence or threatening behaviour" It also defines "force" as "to make something happen or make someone do something difficult, unpleasant, or unusual, especially by threatening or not offering the possibility of choice" and "threat" as "a suggestion that something unpleasant or violent will happen, especially if a particular action or order is not followed" and I'm sure I don't need to define sex.

What he did was to make you do something you didn't want to do and already refused to do (thus showing you were unwilling) by using the threat of something so wholly unpleasant that you had no choice but to do as he wanted. This quite neatly fulfils the definition of Rape as far as Cambridge dictionary is concerned, and I think they got it pretty much spot on, so the action fits, but what about the intention.

If he was simply unwilling to be tied to a woman who wouldnt put out and let you know his intention of leaving if he couldnt have the relationship he needed, which you then responded to, it makes him a prick, but not necessarily a rapist, but if he were intentionally using something he knew had power over you, intentionally manipulating you without any real intention to leave, that makes his intent to rape you.

If his action and intention was to force you to have sex against your will, then no matter what threat he used to get there, that makes him a rapist in my book.
Thank you for your exploration. I am most definitely convinced now. It really helps a lot, beyond what I can put in words.
 
#9
Hi @anotherme . I'm really sorry to hear what you've been through, none of it was your fault. Please remember that... You know, it's ok to attribute your mental health issues to whatever traumatized you, and especially in order to get the therapy and treatment you need for the symptoms and feelings you suffer from. They exist, no matter what anyone else's opinion is. The circumstances don't matter, your experience and how it affected you are entirely valid and no one else in the world has the right to say otherwise, it doesn't depend on the interpretation. So please be kind to yourself, and don't listen to people who are not on your side (or whatever the law says).

That being said, even if in some places coercion does not fall in the definition of that particular word yet, any person who manipulates you into having sex, who doesn't care about making sure that you are entirely comfortable and that you have the desire to do whatever you do, is a piece of shit in my book. Sorry for the language, I'm unhappy.

Feel free to PM me anytime, I care, and as you can see, lots of other people are on your side. ♡ *sadhug
Thank you so much for your understanding and support. I feel very consoled by your reply as well as all of the others' here.
 

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