Does this even make sense???

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Petal, Jan 7, 2015.

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  1. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I don't want to be here but don't want to die. It makes no sense to me. My feelings change rapidly, I could be happy as a pig in shit in an hour but for now I am a ''fucking idiot'' so I'm told. I guess it's the truth I am just an idiot. I'm crying really bad. I had a psych appt yesterday and because of strong meds I missed it, they called me and told me they cancelled someone else to fit me in and I missed it, I feel so bad about that. (i said sorry and rescheduled but i sensed she was angry.

    I applied to do a cookery course today and said to my sister i will show her how to cook (in a playful way) she called me a fucking idiot. I guess that's what I am. It's not just her but others have called me name in the last few days too ''fat bitch'' stupid bitch'' ''freak'' to name a few.

    I am usually good at coping but right now I cannot cope, I'm crying badly. Just wanna sleep,sleep and sleep. My mood is low my anxiety is high.
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Who told you that you are a "fucking idiot"??? **goes hunting for the furious emotes** Oh - your sister (Note to self: read the whole post before writing furious answers) You are NOT an idiot and especially not for applying to do a cookery course. I think that is a wonderful idea. If people are calling you names - especially THOSE names - you absolutely do not need those people in your life. You are not any kind of bitch, let alone an fat one or a stupid one - and you are not a freak.

    Take some deep breaths sweetie - those people are not worth your tears. I understand it isn't a rational reaction and that moods are not as simple as "deciding" but you CAN focus on the good things you are doing. The control you are taking with your diet, applying for courses, following treatment plans.

    it does make sense but the bad thoughts are unwarranted - you are a GOOD person :hug:
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    It makes a lot of sense- in fact I think that is really the overwhelming feeling for most. I doubt most want to "die" - but it is the only way to accomplish completely the "i do not want to be here or do this anymore". I do not want to die or I would not care about being sick in the least- but I do not want to be sick anymore so the temptation to die and not have to do that is strong though completely illogical if a major part of the depression is caused by terminal illness. Bottom line, feeling like that is not at all strange or weird and does not make you strange or stupid at all.

    I have known you for a a few years now Petal. I also consider myself to be a pretty good judge of character. You are a good person. You are kind and caring to fault even though the extra kindness often is the source of your pain you continue to give. You are not stupid. Stupid is not a function of degrees or years in school or academic or even life achievements. If intellect were measured on something truly of value such as ones humanity and ability to contribute to the world in a positive way then you would be a certified genius. There will always be haters and negative nasty people in the world. There will always be decent people that sometimes say negative or nasty things. As somebody that cares what other people think and feel it makes it easy to be hurt, bu tit is too bad there are not more people like you in the world :hug:
  4. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you are feeling down. You're definitely not an idiot. I really admire the way that you are always helping other people and think that you are a really nice person.
  5. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    The desire to die expressed by us depressed folks does not so much mean we want to die, but that we want our lives to be different. And the only way we can see to accomplish that is to be dead. I also share your thought of wanting to be dead. I don't fear being dead, but do fear the dying process. Yet, if I could really turn my life around, escape my current reality, I would not want to die. And I would really prefer that over dying.

    You are definitely not an idiot or a bitch. You are one of the kindest souls I have ever had the privilege of knowing. Your kindness and sensitive are evident in every one of your posts. And an idiot could never endure this world as well as you have.
    Regarding your missed psych appointment; I wish doctors had to take the same meds they prescribed. Then they might really understand what it is like.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Thanks you guys sooooo much. I had quite bad panic attacks earlier. It was hard to breathe/think/talk.

    Doing much better now, my sister has apologized and said she just cannot understand my illnesses, she said i'm only an idiot some of the time (in a messing way) and hugged me real tight. She said together we will fight this illness. Really, thanks for the kind words that was after i was laying in a dark room crying for over an hour.

    Just anxiety attacks, at least i know the biggest triggers now.... thank you all :hug:
  7. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    What was said by others pretty much summed it up. Glad to hear that you're feeling better already.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Thank you.

    I got very bad panic attacks since posting here and the doctor had to be called, I was injected with midazolam and told to stay in bed. Feeling a bit woooozy now, I just bad a really rough day, it is calming down.
  9. Zaheer

    Zaheer Account Closed

    Glad to see you are feeling better now . For You:superbear:.. Stay strong
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I need bed. Thanks today for all ye're help. I honestly could not have gotten through the day without all of you. huggles :hug:

    mood is good again, a bit anxious but good :)
  11. MisterBGone


    I hope that you're feeling a bit better now and that things settle down some, and you can begin to put things into perspective. It's difficult to control emotions when set off my family, close friends, or those that we care deeply about. Their words carry more weight in our hearts and therefore with us. But the big thing to keep in mind--especially when it comes to siblings--is that they can very often take us for granted. And not demonstrate respect or show their love towards us: that is, how they truly feel. And when we get angry or annoyed or just mildly offended (even if for no good reason at all) we can say all do all sort of things that we don't truly mean. Either way, what I guess I'm trying to say, is try not to take what was said too literally. And just take care of yourself for now..:)
  12. Oh dear, Petal you are having a tough day. Would you mind describing your bad panic attacks? Please don't if it bothers you or triggers more anxiety. I am feeling pretty bad today too. I don't know if what I experience is a panic attack. I get scared, body tightens up, head racing, start pacing the floor, ranting loudly, usually my speech becomes very rushed and unintelligible. I can go on like this for quite awhile and tire myself out. I usually want to self harm when I am like this. I know there isn't some kind of rating scale, I'm just wondering what other people's symptoms are during an attack. Again, please don't respond if is upsetting in any way. Thanks
  13. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    hi hun, what you are describing definitely sounds like a panic attack in my opinion at least. I made this thread yesterday the pain attacks have passed since thank goodness. They are awful, dreadful, all those symptoms can be a panic attack.

    I really wish thee was something I could do to help you, if there is please let me know! Also, don't worry I am not triggeerd :)
  14. ub3

    ub3 Banned Member

    I think it is amazing the support some of your peers have shown. It really emenates through the clinical cyber reality, the love and support they have for you. And the time and care they have taken to respond to your post. Obviously you have earned this kind of unconditional suppprt from the unconditional support you have given others. I hope one day things could be the same for me and that i could be more like you...I guess we all have something different to bring to the table, and that should be celebrated not feared or demonoised. Im happy for you that you have moved passed the hurt of being emotiomally abused...hurt people hurt! But the worst hurt is when there pretending to love you and you know in your heart they dont...also that the panic attack has subsided...Most pain and abuse is oppresive and corrosive. But some pain can be an oppurtunity for growth... Peace and light ps sometimes we have to make sense out of the nonsense.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 8, 2015
  15. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Ub3- you are correct, the emotional suport of kindness and giving has really helped me through. I am doing great today so I am giving back to the community by being here supporting others. Words do hurt, today I changed my tactic a bit and tried to be a less of a pain in the backside by hiding the hurt that came from yesterday and I know it's not a solution but for now it worked and I feel good. Thank you for your kind words, they are greatly appreciated!
  16. ub3

    ub3 Banned Member

    YOUR WORTH IT ! Great! Im glad your in a better place! Theres a saying i want to give to you to put in your toolbox for helping others and yourself even me if need be! I often forget my own advice especially when the shit hits the fan. I found it works in astonishingly difficult times it simply goes...THIS TOO SHALL PASS...
  17. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    And you are correct, it did pass. Doing a hell of a lot better than I was, thanks to this community and the samaritans, would be lost without both sources of support.
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