I was raped when I was seven years old. I hid it from my family. Lied when I was asked about it. Built my life despite it. But it has always haunted me. A few years after the rape I was witness to a friend's abuse, while an adult in a powerful role touched me over a blanket and ignored what was happening to my friend. In my early teens a boy at school tried to kiss me, and stuck his hand in my pants and touched me. When I started uni I had flashbacks triggered by a "kissing game" during freshman initiations. I didn't think anything of these later things. Just thought they were normal. 2 years ago, at 40 years of age, I had major gynae surgery and it triggered everything. I've been seeing a therapist since. 2 weeks ago I finally told my therapist what happened. And accepted that what happened counts as sexual abuse. Never thought it did, somehow... I spun out of control for a few days, then for a few more it seemed like the relief of accepting that it was abuse and not my fault had released me to start healing at last. But now I'm finding that I am slipping back. More depressed. Self harm thoughts are back. Nothing has changed. I feel like I really could have done things differently and stopped these things from happening, or at least handled them better once they had. Now I'm feeling like I have tried to excuse my failure as a wife, mother, human being on the basis of something I should have gotten over years ago, that I am the most pathetic, excuse making person ever. I saw my therapist today, and she listened patiently and supportively to me, as usual, as I complained about how bad I feel, and how I don't want to talk to my family (parents, siblings) because I can't get past my feelings about what happened, their (lack of) response, and how I'm making the same mistakes with my kids that my parents made with me by being unavailable, too wrapped up in my own problems to really see what is happening for them. But I just can't see the point. How can any of this help? I can't change the past. I am trying to change how I behave in the future, to be a better person for my husband and kids. To find a way to be worthwhile to the world in my remaining life. But I don't want to live any more. It is too painful. The urge to hurt myself to express my pain in growing, as is the desire to end my pain forever. I don't know how to be better. Does this ever get any easier? Is there any hope for me, after 35 years of this torture?