I suppose im here for much the same reason as everyone else. I have battled with suicidal feelings for the last 15 years sometimes due to life and sometimes for no reason at all, i've had a few spells (months at a time) with out them but on the whole the feeling I just want to die is always there waiting in the wings for a stressful day or other trigger. I'm not sure why im here, what I expect form this site or how anyone can help me but I don't really have much else left to try. So far I've had one half arsed attempt and one serious (failure). However I have researched over and over again all the different methods and am confident i can pull it off successfully now. I had been managing ok (i wont take anti depressants due to bad experiences with them) but I recently had some serious family/home problems and while these are now in the past they have had lasting effects on me. Its got to the point where even a bill for £26 almost had me reaching for the medicine cabinet. None of my crutches work anymore, I used to smoke weed which helped but now I cant get stoned enough for it to work, having used most drugs previously and abstained for 12 years stronger drugs are not an option. I'm now looking likely to be made redundant which to be honest doesn't upset me as i have lost all interest in my work. I also have children and a wife who is pregnant. I have been to the doctor who suggests various pills, each with their own delightful side effects, but in essence they really don't want to know and im made to feel like im wasting their time when all they ask is "do you want to be signed off work?" I'm genuinely scared for the first time that these feelings will not go away, they are worse than ever and cause me physical aches and pain (if that makes sense?). I'm worried for my family and future child because the love I feel for them doesn't feel like enough anymore. nothing does and it scares me. I now feel that if I don't try and numb myself to the outside world then I will break, I spend my waking hours staring into space and thinking about rubbish to try and fill my thoughts with anything to keep the bad ones out. I have Narcolepsy, so you would think I would sleep OK... not so... I manage approx 4 hours a night at best, usually between 4 am and 8am and go to work at 9am. The best way I can describe it is my life feels like a waiting room for death. Time goes so slowly and it it feels like im being tortured, I find myself wishing for cancer... anything really, but I feel like knowing that im going to die will relieve the horrible feelings I have, kinda like when you are almost at the front of the queue, that relief that your wait is finally over... Like I said, i dont know what im doing on here but I dont really know what else to do, I'm exhausted, im pretty sure everyone thinks im fine, the happy one who is always positive (seriously, thats how people see me apparently) but im not. IM not positve or happy about anything, im ashamed that i feel this way and I just want it to stop.