Does this ever go away?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by munkey82, Jan 28, 2015.

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  1. munkey82

    munkey82 Member

    I suppose im here for much the same reason as everyone else. I have battled with suicidal feelings for the last 15 years sometimes due to life and sometimes for no reason at all, i've had a few spells (months at a time) with out them but on the whole the feeling I just want to die is always there waiting in the wings for a stressful day or other trigger.

    I'm not sure why im here, what I expect form this site or how anyone can help me but I don't really have much else left to try.

    So far I've had one half arsed attempt and one serious (failure). However I have researched over and over again all the different methods and am confident i can pull it off successfully now.

    I had been managing ok (i wont take anti depressants due to bad experiences with them) but I recently had some serious family/home problems and while these are now in the past they have had lasting effects on me. Its got to the point where even a bill for £26 almost had me reaching for the medicine cabinet. None of my crutches work anymore, I used to smoke weed which helped but now I cant get stoned enough for it to work, having used most drugs previously and abstained for 12 years stronger drugs are not an option. I'm now looking likely to be made redundant which to be honest doesn't upset me as i have lost all interest in my work. I also have children and a wife who is pregnant.

    I have been to the doctor who suggests various pills, each with their own delightful side effects, but in essence they really don't want to know and im made to feel like im wasting their time when all they ask is "do you want to be signed off work?" I'm genuinely scared for the first time that these feelings will not go away, they are worse than ever and cause me physical aches and pain (if that makes sense?). I'm worried for my family and future child because the love I feel for them doesn't feel like enough anymore. nothing does and it scares me.

    I now feel that if I don't try and numb myself to the outside world then I will break, I spend my waking hours staring into space and thinking about rubbish to try and fill my thoughts with anything to keep the bad ones out. I have Narcolepsy, so you would think I would sleep OK... not so... I manage approx 4 hours a night at best, usually between 4 am and 8am and go to work at 9am.

    The best way I can describe it is my life feels like a waiting room for death. Time goes so slowly and it it feels like im being tortured, I find myself wishing for cancer... anything really, but I feel like knowing that im going to die will relieve the horrible feelings I have, kinda like when you are almost at the front of the queue, that relief that your wait is finally over...

    Like I said, i dont know what im doing on here but I dont really know what else to do, I'm exhausted, im pretty sure everyone thinks im fine, the happy one who is always positive (seriously, thats how people see me apparently) but im not. IM not positve or happy about anything, im ashamed that i feel this way and I just want it to stop.
  2. zee64

    zee64 New Member

    I'm very sorry to hear you're in such a dark place munkey82, & can totally relate to how you're feeling. Totally. I would seriously recommend you look at trying antidepressants again. They honestly do help, and there are many different varieties. I take venlafaxine & while it has some (minor) side-effects, I'd rather take them than be stuck in that godawful "waiting room for death", as you so aptly put it.

    But understand this: Depression is an ILLNESS. An evil, insidious one that robs us of any joy in our life, leaving us numb, cold & wanting to die. But it is a LIAR. I call it "The Prince of Lies", & by externalising it, it's helped to take away (most) of my feelings of shame around it. I still struggle with this horrible illness (I'm bipolar) from time to time, but I know that without the antidepressants I would be DEAD, & while you feel that would be a good thing (& at the time I thought it would be too - 2 suicide attempts), it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

    You DON'T want to die (though depression is making you feel otherwise) - you want RELIEF & to find some happiness again, but depression is what's preventing that. Not you, not your problems - but DEPRESSION. It seems obvious to say it, but death won't give you the happiness you crave. Please hang in there & seek help.

    While antidepressants can take a while to "kick in" (usually 4-6 weeks), immediate things you can do to improve your mood is to get more exercise, & look at your diet (these affect our mood to a greater degree than most people realise).

    I would recommend therapy as well, but while you're depressed it's unlikely to do much good. Because depression clouds your view of life, making everything look gloomy & hopeless. The therapist I saw before I was diagnosed as suffering from depression told me it was pointless seeing me until I was on meds, likening therapy while depressed to trying to heal a broken leg simply by talking to it.

    It was scary to go on meds at first, too. I felt like I'd been diagnosed as a failure & a nutcase, but the more I've understood & battled depression over the years, the more I've learnt that's not the case, & there's nothing to be ashamed about for suffering from it. It did take a while to get my "cocktail" of drugs right (as later I was diagnosed as not just suffering depressive attacks, but was bipolar), but eventually we found a good combination that has (mostly) worked well for me.

    Please take heart that YES - it can (& does) go away. Of course it can come back (I have many triggers, but therapy has helped me understand these external things, & each time it rears its goddamn ugly head I'm that much better equipped at fighting it off again).

    PLEASE please talk to your GP again about going on medication.

    Lastly, you've come to a good place, & give yourself credit for reaching out for help! There are many wonderful & supportive people here. Check out the chat room too. I've only been a member since the 16th of Jan, but it's helped me get thru some pretty bleak nights already (I've been suffering from insomnia & recent loss).

    Feel free to PM me, but I'm in NZ, so there's a time difference probably. But I WILL reply if you do. My best wishes to you. You can win this & start to feel better!
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 28, 2015
  3. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Have you tried talking to someone about your problem like a Therapist
  4. justsomegirl

    justsomegirl Well-Known Member

    Hey munkey, I wish I had some magic advice for you, some way to handle and fix all of the things you're talking about. What I wanted to say really though is that I really identified with the way you describe feeling; more often than not, I just feel...tired. Weary. 10+ years of suicidal thoughts can do that to someone, I guess. You shouldn't feel ashamed, though. It's better I think to accept the way you feel and try to go from there. Suicide is not really an answer, though...although I'm in pretty much the exact same place as you, I honestly believe that there are better days ahead. I mean there were good periods in the past, so there must be some in the future too. Anyway let me know if you want to chat, sounds like we're in similar boats.
  5. You mean the thoughts? I'm honestly not sure. I have been close to really ending it so many times but I was always too chicken sh*t to actually go through with it. I have talked to others (in real life) who are chronically suicidal and many have told me that the feelings and thoughts tend to fluctuate. One girl told me she had thoughts of commuting suicide nearly 20 times a day virtually everywhere and had all kinds of ideas. Eventually for her the thoughts began to taper off and she was in remission from these thoughts.

    I feel like suicidal thoughts and tendencies are almost like a compulsion aggravated by stressors but they still come into our minds without permission. I have had suicidal thoughts and actions since I was 13 years old (now 25). I can say there was a time when I was 18-19 that I had virtually no thoughts of suicide.
  6. sweetles

    sweetles Well-Known Member

    Not sure if it ever goes away. I first began fixating on suicide at age 5. Anytime I heard about someone dying in an accident, especially kids, I wanted to try it. Electrocution via household appliances, drowning in the bathtub, falling into a well, etc. I hurt myself many times, was hospitalized sometimes for weeks. Now its nearly 30 yrs later and I want to die more than ever. My most pleasant, uplifting thoughts are of my method and the plan I have for the last week. It will be like the best vacation. !
  7. munkey82

    munkey82 Member

    I think you guys are right in that they taper off, I've been reasonably ok for the last week or so but today it feels like its all caught up with me again. I'm at work and I cant think of anything else but leaving my office and walking on the train tracks outside. Now I feel guilty that im even considering it, guilty that I would leave my family, guilty I even thought of subjecting someone else to witnessing my death. I feel bad for wanting to kill myself and I feel awful for being alive. I always used to give myself a lecture, tell myself how lucky I am etc but I just don't have the motivation any more, I think the longer you endure these feelings, the more debilitating they get. I don't feel happy or positive any more, not with any regularity. I get fleeting moments where something makes me smile but they soon get lost in the fog of misery that seems to follow me around.

    It frustrates me that I understand how I feel, I know its irrational yet it still controls me. Its not just mental pain anymore either, I ache all the time, have bad IBS stomach and daily migraines. I have constant acid reflux and chest pains (which have been checked out) for no apparent reason. My doctor says I am reasonably healthy, so why do I feel like my body is shutting down?

    My inner monologue is constant, it never stops chattering in the background, sometimes it feels like im in a crowded room even though im in solitude and silence. I get that sense of panic you feel when you lose your parents in the supermarket as a child. I have tried anti depressants one beginning with C and fluoxetine. The C one made it impossible to sleep and the Fluoxetine made me sweat and feel nervous all the time and stopped my essential male parts functioning (not a good way to cheer you up). I have also noticed that the brief respite I get from these feelings is now only fleeting, things used to have a lasting effect. For instance a good morning used to equate to a good day, now however its lasts as long as it takes my smile to rise and fall.

    While I don't feel like I am going to kill myself imminently the desire to do so is on par with my desire to eat when I'm hungry and seems no greater task. I don't have to "eat" but I know I will feel so much better and a sense of relief when I do. I do worry that a particularly bad day is all it will take to push me over. Ive had days where I feel like im not in control of myself. I do things I would never usually consider, I have pulled off toenails with pliers and a knife just because feeling some other pain gives me a little respite. Thing is now I don't register pain in the same way I used to and it doesn't help anymore. Feel like im running out of options, floating around in a surreal place where I don't really belong.

    I'm starting to feel like I left it too late and where I used to feel a sense of hope for recovery I now see failure looming. I'm torn between wanting to die and wanting to be there for my family. One way or the other something is going to give soon. I cant keep on enduring this relentless soul devouring disease. it hurts too much.
  8. exkend

    exkend Well-Known Member

    You sound very weary and burnt-out. Have you tried talking with a psycho-therapist? At this point would going on anti-depressants be that bad? Maybe read up on suicide to get some info on the subject. Personlly I've found reading up the subject helped me alot. It helped me realise that there are a variety of enviromental effects which conspire to cause suicde, things like what year your born, socio-economic class, religion, community etc. Anyway wishing you the best.
  9. munkey82

    munkey82 Member

    I think that's an apt description... I have tried to get access to one but its not straight forward. The two doctors I have spoken to (a third wouldn't take me seriously, juts wanted to sign me off work for two weeks) will only prescribe the drugs and then once I am on those I can look at getting a place on waiting list (currently at approx 8 weeks). But judging by announcement that Norfolk's Mental health budget has been cut by £10 million im not holding out much hope. My GP suggested going to A&E as an emergency...

    You try and see these people and do the things that are supposed to help but it seems everything is against you, they look at me fairly smartly dressed and well kept and its almost like I don't look messed up enough to be worth their time. The reality is I have become an expert at hiding everything, my appearance is the fresh coat of paint put on a rotting bench... any pressure and it will still break... i suppose that's partly why im on here, to be able to talk to someone about how I feel.
  10. munkey82

    munkey82 Member

    You know how you wait for things to get better and then they get considerably worse...

    I crashed my work car, outside work yesterday. Speeding foreign driver ploughed straight into front of car. Now my already tenuous relationship with my boss is worse than ever. He had me outside the office with a broom sweeping up debris 5 mins after crash. Just wanted ground to swallow me up.

    I don't feel like I want to do anything anymore, I have no interest in anything... the feeling that I want to end it is becoming more of a nagging pain and actually realising it seems possible. I rang my doctors again this morning, the best they can do is an appointment with a locum on Thursday... To be honest my heart isn't in "being fixed" anyway. I would happily take cancer from someone who wants to live. It feels like at least that way my family would be provided for and I could die knowing my children never knew just how fucked my mind is, I think the thought of them having to deal with my suicide is the only thing that has kept me alive this long. I'm just not sure how much more mental torture I can take before I break. The cracks have set in and I feel different, unable to cope as I have done before.

    In actual fact the more I think about it, its more like I don't want to be fixed at all. I just want everything to go away and be over. Life has lost its purpose to me. I want out.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 3, 2015
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