Does this make any sense?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Tam, Dec 29, 2009.

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  1. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    From 'Scared to Live' - Stephen Booth

    Of all the things I've read in my endless search to try and explain what goes on in my head, the passage above is the only thing I've found that comes close to describing it. (Ironic that it's from a lightweight novel). And while I don't hear voices or hallucinate (not any more anyway) the effects are exactly as described above, except I'm not scared to live anymore.

    I suppose I've posted this for the same reason I post in the public diary - need to tell the world my pain, pain that doesn't come from 'normal' things, that I've spent my entire life trying to get across to people hoping that someone somewhere will understand it, will know what I’m talking about.
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Whenever doubt is sown inside an individual about themselves it can be devastating. There are so many ways this can happen too. I've been afraid of living life from since I was little. Only recently have I been able to do things for my life and I still let others get in the way.

    I know you want others to understand your pain but only those who have suffered will have any kind of understanding. The best that "normies" can do is empathize.

  3. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    As long as it makes sense to you, that's the most important. But maybe I do get it... Do you feel like you're disintegrating? Dissolving? Completely chaotic, even though you're not hearing or seeing things?
  4. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Thanks Vivian and GGG for the replies. I suppose it's the warping of perceptions that I'm getting at - the sense of not being able to trust my own perceptions as true and accurate, and that that's totally blown my sense of who I thought I was, no inner certainty about anything, especially about myself, what I really think and really feel. Don't know sounds stupid I've never been able to explain it properly. Just thought there might have been people who had some kind of similar experience, who understood how terrifying it is to live with the knowledge that your own mind is telling you lies.
  5. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    Have you had a psychotic episode Tam? Because this is what the author is talking about. I have had 2, and they are not simply about having doubts with your perceptions of life, it is about losing connection with the world around you. They are strong and debilitating, and you can't think well during an episode. My first was simple, I had constant panic attacks, and I thought all of a sudden that I was schizophrenic because I thought that everyone was some sort of demon, and I couldn't feel close to people without feeling physically threatened. Both of these things lasted for 2 months, during which I lost my job and moved in with my Dad so I could get professional help.

    The second one was more complicated, where I started believing that the tv and radio were sending me messages, I thought that various people, including myself, were God (these are called delusions of reference, and delusions of grandeur) and other crazy things I don't care to recall. It wasn't like I was thinking "Maybe I'm wrong about this thinking of mine", it was "Oh my god I've just realized this and it will change the world/it is how the world works/it is a secret I have stumbled upon, this is an epiphany! I can't wait to tell everyone!" Whatever I thought made perfect sense to me, and no sense to everyone around me. It is the type of thinking that puts you in a psychiatric ward, not the thinking that give you occasional doubts about life.

    Everyone has their mind lie to them at times, I think it can be a coping mechanism, and if this is seriously affecting you Tam, you should see a doctor about it. If you're thinking things differently than before, then you may be on the right track, but also could be on the wrong one. It depends how old you are, you could just be learning more about life. If you are believing things that should not be true, then you are probably suffering from delusions and should get help. And that is a big factor, whether you think strange things or whether you believe them.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 30, 2009
  6. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I've gone through things like what Tam said and what Tobes describes.

    It was because the people around me doubted my belief in myself and doubted my perceptions. In lots of things, all throughout my life. They screwed with my mind and made me believe that their world was the right one and I was mad. Because it suited them and suited their actions towards me.

    I got better. By generally listening to myself- the core of me. And distancing myself from people who screwed with my head.

    I've felt things that Tobes says, but why is it that if someone feels like they are grounded, they love life, love themselves, they feel so connected with themselves and everything around them, or in laymans/psych terms they are "hearing God," why is that psychosis? Why is that excitement to feel life so intensely, pathologised and punished, if it's not doing anyone, including the person themselves any harm? My therapist actually encourages this. Does that mean she's encouraging madness or my life and survival?
    I personally know I can't say this stuff to a psychiatrist. I know they'd think I was full blown psychotic to describe how I feel. Or they'd think I was drunk, which is what so many people who are depressed think I am. I have also felt 'demons' were after me but I now understand that better and they were demons that I saw in shapes and forms in front of me. I've been wrestling with them for so many years and they come from a true source- my past and the conflicts I was going through at the time.

    I think the TV is sending me messages, isn't that the point of TV? I don't listen to it, and haven't for 2 years, because in psych terms 'i have ideas of reference.' I feel guilty and paranoid when watching it. Put it in context of my life and it doesn't sound like delusions. It sounds perfectly understandable. Is my life better now I don't watch it? considerably.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 30, 2009
  7. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the reply Tobes. Yes I've had a psychotic episode, the prime element of which was full blown paranoia of the 'that person on the radio is talking directly to me, is sending me messages about me' type. While I now can distinguish pretty accurately when I'm being 'properly' paranoid (very very rare now) the line is constantly blurred between what might be a paranoid perception on my part, and what might actually be true. And that extends to how I perceive myself.

    I've lived for decades having to use rational thought as a means of surviving the nightmare in my head, and it hasn't been any easier because I've never come across anyone else who has understood how totally devastating such a thing is to one's own sense of identity, the internal damage as opposed to the externally obvious stuff (that other people are able to recognize as 'abnormal' - behaviour, speech that sort of thing.)

    So no it's not just having the odd doubt about whether what I'm perceiving is maybe a bit dubious, I only wish it were lol. And I also wish my delusions had been more like yours - yes I suppose you could call what I experienced an epiphany, that sense of having suddenly been faced with the true secrets of the universe but it was so demonic and terrible - the universe I created was hell not heaven, and everyone else already knew it, only I was the only devil, they were all angels. And because it was a moral epiphany, I've never been able to rationalize it away.

    Sorry got a bit carried away there. I think I resented your comment about 'not occasional queries about how the world works'. This is not some existential angst about life the universe and everything, it's about my sanity (what's left of it lol). I'm sorry you had to go through what you did, I read your other posts where you described it in much more detail. But I guess it didn't affect your sense of identity and certainty about what you think, so maybe you are the lucky one after all.
  8. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    :hug: What you're saying sounds terrifying.
  9. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    to ggg:

    Everyone has a different mindset, and thinks differently about the world, but when those thoughts are either damaging or without logic then they become delusions. For example, everyone gets messages from tv, that's the point, but if think you are getting a message that you are supposed to kill someone or do something, then that's a delusion. If you sincerely believe that a news reader or politician is a demon, then that's a delusion. In other words, if you believe something without common agreement and logical reason behind it, then you are delusional. Psychosis is a step further, when (nearly) all your beliefs are skewed, and you have lost touch with reality. It is hard to know when you are psychotic (it was for me at least) because it is your entire thought process that gets affected, but the people around you would know because the sudden change in your thinking and talking.

    Delusions are common, and varied. Christians can suffer form delusions of reference, when they think that God is talking to them through their tv or something similar. Schizophrenics suffer from delusions frequently, as well as hearing voices and seeing hallucinations (not all suffer from these two).

    ggg4567, what kind of things do you think? Do they sound reasonable and logical? Can you see that some of the things you think may not be real, or do you believe them to be real? Are they just random thoughts that pop into your head or are they what you believe to be true? If you feel uncomfortable about sharing your thoughts then you don't have to, you have your privacy.

    EDIT: Tam, they have affected my thinking since, but not in a "is this real?" way. My episodes were strong and damaging, but with medication my thinking has gone back to normal, so I don't have many doubts about things. Maybe it was worse for you Tam, I don't know, but it sounds pretty bad. I'm glad to see someone else who knows how fucked up an episode can be, and how it can leave you damaged. Sorry if I offended you Tam, that wasn't my intention.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 30, 2009
  10. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Hey ggg4567 you posted while I was wrestling with my own reply. You've got it spot on in the first couple of paragraphs exactly what caused my psychotic episode, and also the way you are undoing it - that's where I'm at now. (well trying anyway.)

    I am really interested in the second part of your post - again that fine line between what is considered 'normal' and 'insane'. And the way you describe the forms you saw in front of you - manifestations of the mind so to speak, without being 'hallucinations' as such. You've just explained so clearly things which I bet frighten the hell out of a lot of people, yet to me that sounds perfectly rational and logical.

    Yeah tv can still make me properly paranoid too - though I keep such a control of my reactions that I can usually gloss over it pretty quickly - rationalize it away.

    Thanks for the reply, that's been really helpful to me :smile:
  11. cownes

    cownes Well-Known Member

  12. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    sorry tam don't want to take over this thread. glad it helped. :smile:
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 30, 2009
  13. bubblin girl

    bubblin girl Well-Known Member

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