Does this make me a coward?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dpla14, Mar 26, 2014.

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  1. dpla14

    dpla14 Member

    Not a day goes by anymore when I don't fantasize about death. I have spent hours on this forum, researching the most painless and easiest methods of suicide... <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> Does it make me a coward that I want to go through with it but I'm afraid of messing up again or dying a slow painful death? I just want an easy way out. I feel so pathetic
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 26, 2014
  2. Cat of Spades

    Cat of Spades Well-Known Member

    I've done exactly that, thousands of times. I know exactly where you are coming from, but let me tell you, even if things are looking incredibly desperate and hopeless, it is always best to stick it out until the end. Things will improve, it is just a matter of time and effort.

    Your problems are clearly weighing heavily on you, I recommend you talk to someone on this forum, there are many people willing to listen to your story without judgment.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 26, 2014
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. Glad you joined the community. Sorry you are in so much pain. This is a great place to come and talk about things. I agree with Cat of Spades.

    The vast majority of attempts end in ... staying alive. As you called it "messing up",which is not what I would call it. Sadly too many of those folks who survived an attempt incured permanant damage to their body as a result of the attempt. So what they are left with is the same problems. But with more added in. Some sustain brain injury. Others liver,kidney... I would assume there is more. But thats what I know about.

    There is also another reason that I will not discuss here. Stories I have heard that clearly make me know that no matter how much I may want to, I will always resist suiciding. Because it is not a way out. No matter how much we think otherwise. Just what I have heard. So, no I do not think you are a coward. I think you are strong for staying alive. Suicide may be "throwing the dice" and losing even more than one ever realized.
     
  4. Cat of Spades

    Cat of Spades Well-Known Member

    It does not make you a coward btw.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 26, 2014
  5. dpla14

    dpla14 Member

    and today I feel ok and positive. It's a constant yo-yo of ups and downs. Does anyone else experience this? Some days I feel at the very bottom and then the next day I can feel average or even slightly happy. It makes me feel crazy
     
  6. soulreaper

    soulreaper Well-Known Member

    i''l let you know right now taking pills is not a good idea you, you will puke them up and your body and mind will be in far worse condition then it was before... you don't think it can get worse well it can. I know I shouldn't say be happy with what you got now, but will look back on your life and wish you weren't so foolish and as good as you had it now. no mistakes needed take my advice, don't do it, your body will thank you. just to change the way your mind works, try to think more positive and try not to make mounts out of molehills, stop focusing on death, distract yourself if you must, or do something positive with your life, count the little wins in your life, like brushing your teeth, showering and just taking care of yourself, count wins as you made someone smile today, helped someone out, etc. or wore really nice clothes today or even got out of bed before noon, count wins as leaving the house or exercising or anything positive can be a win, even brushing your teeth is an accomplishment.
     
  7. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I feel the same. I don't want to suffer anymore, but I'm not brave enough and don't really have the resources to do anything about it. Good luck to you.
     
  8. howardTX

    howardTX Active Member

    Definitely does not make you a coward, you (like me) have a very difficult time dealing with whatever situation you are in. I had a friend ask me if I was eating well, getting a good amount of sleep and SOME kind of exercise. I went 3 strikes and out... and didn't want to admit it. I have the same yo-yo effect but it is not bi-polar, it is another diagnosis and I take medication to help with these effects. It is a mood stabilizer and it seems to help not that I have it at an acceptable dose. PLUS it is an older drug with a generic so it is cheap! yea. Hang in there, I know it is hard. When I was in one of those upswing good moods, I put a "first aid kit" together (which was really just an old plastic box.) In there I put some old pictures that make me happy, a gift card to myself for an ice-cream place I really like and some reminders of a playlist that has songs from the past that make me feel good. Sure there are times I don't want to open it because it might seem silly at the time, but I kind of know it is there. Hope some of this helps and that you know that there are people out there who understand. My main method (an idea from another person on here) is to just keep telling myself to just keep putting it off. I am a bad procrastinator so that is a pretty good method. :) Take care!
     
  9. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    dpla14, some people have very good results from taking medication. Others do not. I have seen it help people. And have known people who had no good results. Please do not let anyone discourage you from what might make a huge difference. Each person's expereince is different I have a cousin who is a therapist. And she also has depression. Its hereditary in my family. She has taken prozac for years. She figures that the possible side effects are worth the risk. Because the medication helps her so much. I know a woman who was doing very poorly. She started taking prescription "happy pils" as she calls them. They helped a lot.

    And then there are those who the medications do not help. Or the one that would have worked never was detected and used.

    So, please dont let the words of others sway your very personal decision re the whole medication subject. I am VERY glad you are feeling a bit better. I do not know about the whole yoyo thing you wrote about. If they were big swings of course I would come up with a possible cause for it. Sending best to you
     
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