Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Barb, Nov 25, 2006.
I don't know what to do with the pain I have inside anymore. It is getting bigger than me
it kinda helped.
i use it more as a platform to whine about my life and get my feelings out, since I have no one to listen to me in real life
it can probably help a lot depending on how you use it.
This site has been very helpful to me and many others. It is a place where you can come to receive support no matter what is going on or how you are feeling. you will meet many people here that understand what you are facing. Some are going through it now, others have been through it and are healing. You can also return the support to others through your experiences. This also help you to heal. I hope I answered your question. Take care :hug:
Its certainly won't do you any harm. Granted, there isn't a 100% chance this site would help you but I'd say the odds are greatly in your favor. You'll have to put some effort on your end as well and I wish you luck on this site, hope it can help you in any way. :smile:
I don't know that I can get past this again.
I'm 48...bit on the heavy side, but not bad looking. And a wonderful person on the inside and I know that. I have a good heart, an easy going personality, I want to make someone happy just as much as I want to make them happy. Just the typical stuff everyone wants.
And yet everyone leaves. My ex husband after 17 years, then he came back briefly only to leave again literally at my mom's funeral.....then I had a two year relationship with a man and he left, and now I've known and loved a man for four years. We spend a lot of time together. It started out as a relationship....then he decided he was making too many changes in his life to be in one....so we switched about a year ago (or he did) to just being friends. I spend a couple nights a week at his house.... We sleep in the same bed, but he won't make love to me anymore. (he doesn't want to hurt me). He's a good man and he's been honest about not wanting a relationship...but he tells me that he doesn't want one with ANYONE...that he's still getting his life on track. (he lost a 25 yr career job when his company was sold....went back to school...and spent the last two years working on his bachelors degree.) Said he needs to find himself again and that won't happen until he is working and productive again. In the meantime, our friendship has grown closer. I know his family....he knows mine. Sometimes he speaks to my son like he is a father to him.
Two things happened this year.....he began seeing men. That hurt, but I told myself that it's something else he has to get through....and I waited. I don't feel as threatened by a man as another woman. (I'm a very open minded person.)
What is sending me reeling right now is something that happened Sunday. His ex wife contacted him. She was not a nice woman and not good to him in his marriage. When she asked him to choose between her and his teenage son, he left her. That was about seven years ago. Now...after one long conversation last night....he is considering going back to her.
I've been with him longer than she has. I don't understand how he can spend so much time with me over the last few years....then when he starts thinking about a relationship with a woman....there's not a thought left for what he is doing to my heart.
The pain is so bad now I can't swallow or breathe right. I can't do this again. I can't stand for someone to walk out of my life again.
I'm 48 too:smile:. I'm learning for the first time in myl ife that I really don't have to depend on others and I can do things for myself (I never lived on my own before). Some days I hurt horribly:sad: because I let the past get to me. Alot of days, I'm actually thankful I have an illness that allows me to forget:laugh:. I just get up and try to do what I can to survive and I realize how much I have accomplished formyself recently. I would like to have a"normal" life, but I know what was "normal" for me a few years ago will never be again. I don't tie myself up too much in the past, even if it means leaving some people behind to. I swore to myself I would never be a part of some sort of "yo-yo" game where I would only serve as a "consolation prize" until "something better" came along I've been alot happier lately
Thats wonderful for you Rahlahinn and I used to be like that. I walked away from my husband (who was emotionally abusive) and just started over. I got my two sons through high school...probably not the best mother I could be, but I tried. I sometimes worked two jobs. I was pretty tough and independent, but didn't allow anyone back into my life. Until five years later, I let my ex back in briefly. Then when that turned out horribly.....I got hard as a steel. Within four months that year, my best friends husband hung himself, my mom was dying and then died...my ex broke up with me again, I was in a car accident, and my apartment was constantly broken into when I wasn't home. Finally, it was broken into so badly that it was destroyed..the only thing salvagable was my bedroom furniture and a tv.....there was so much destruction...there wasn't a window or light bulb left in the house and the back door was completely caved in. (this happened while I was on vacation trying to forget the previous months), I went through all of that and barely flinched.
Then, a year later, I let myself open up again. I met a man and dated him for two years....he lived in another state. Everything was wonderful, with one glaring exception. He was "friends" with a girl who had mental issues....he was afraid to tell her about me. I waited for two years and finally said enough is enough and left. I swore I'd never open up again.
And then I met Tom. We met on the internet and spend a lot of time chatting. He is wonderful. I will never think otherwise. My son was in Iraq at the time and he did a lot of "hand holding" for me on nights when it got to be too much. He was the only one my son would open up to from Iraq. My son didn't want to share much with me in that regard....I probably would have had NO sleep then!
I let my brother and his son move in. My brother is an emotional abuser (physical once) and I found myself allowing myself to become a victim again. I can't believe I let it happen twice. Tom is the one who convinced me to go to al-anon (my oldest son is an alcoholic) and to make changes to get out of the house. It meant selling my house and using the income to pay off debts so I could afford to live on my own, but I did it. Through all of this, Tom stood by me, helped me and I found myself leaning on him. Probably too much. I let myself open up again, and feel again and fall in love again.
And now this....
I won't be able to get through it if he returns to his wife. And even if I do, I will never be able to feel again and I can't stand the thought of it
I've pretty much decided I can't deal with this pain again.
I've also noticed that many people here say they are going to do it and then don't......which is a good thing for them.
I'm not going to do that. If he goes back to his ex-wife, I am not going to feel the pain. I am going to pick a day and just do it. Once my mind is made up, I don't want to be talked out of it and I don't want to hear how I'll get through it.
I won't. And I can't. If he isnt part of my life, I have no life.
This site has helped me A lot, and I recommend anyone with problems to come to this site. You will get a lot of understand here.
Barb: wow that's a pretty big burden on the life. Seems to me like you're better off without him, even if that's a cliched thing to say. But if he was with men for a while he's gone through something pretty powerful and life-altering: for him and for you. Retaining a relationship with him might make you feel empowered on the surface but sometimes the best strength, the best way to keep living, is to just do it alone.
Is it that you feel you're at the end of your life and that the future won't hold another man (figuratively) for you, or that you won't find happiness, alone or with someone else? There seems to be this unending obsession with our age (even people my age consider themselves over the hill and i'm 23). What it made me realise is that we don't know when we'll die or how old we'll live till or if we'll forever be single or in a relationship that makes us happy or sad or much more complicated than that. It's all uncertain. I find that scary but oddly comforting too.
I know I haven't had the life experience you have but I offer my naive thoughts nonetheless and hope it might make you feel marginally better.
In terms of "does this site help?" I find it does. When I first came here I worried that it might somehow influence me to kill myself. Actually, I HOPED it would. But it eased the pain a fair bit. There's never a simple solution but it helps to know (as bad as this sounds) that others go through stuff too.
You're wise at 23 yrs old. And I might feel better if I was that age. Its not that I think I can't find someone else, it's that they aren't him.
My dad and I are close, but family problems strained that a little, and he doesn't live around here anymore. My brother and I get along on the surface...to make my dad feel better...but he lived with me for three years where it was nothing but verbal abuse. From him and my son who drinks...although I know my son has a disease that has control of him. My brother had no disease...just a mean streak. And he used to tell me noone could love me or live with me and I guess he was right.
My relationship with my husband fell apart. Twice. Then, when a few years later, I let myself care for someone again....that fell apart too. And then I found Tom. After years of holding it in, I just let go. I leaned on him and let him care about me. Or so I thought. He was wonderful....he let me lean on him so much when my son was in Iraq. He talked to my dad about my dad not standing up for me... I never had anyone like that in my life. I never loved anyone like this.
It's too much for me. Too many people leave who I thought cared about me. Without a backward glance. I don't want fame or fortune....I just want to be significant to someone. And I can't bear this hurt.....
i don´t know if what i´m going to tell you will help you.
my grandmother lived her entired live with a man who doesn´t loved her (my granfather), he treathed bad the hole marriage. my grandmother stayed with him untill he died anyway 6 years ago. the thing is that she wanted to die all her marriage (about 50 years) but life gave her the chance to meet her true love, at 75 years old she foud a man who make all the waiting worth, she felt renew. now they aren´t togheter because she met him on a trip and both of them can´t travel anymore but she everyday gives thanks to god because he let her love, and be loved in return. she is happy because she know he loves her miles away from her. but what i wanted to tell you is that she never killed herself and life, gaveher a chance to be happy..so you will have that chance, you still young. but that´s what i think. i´m 18 and no too much people thinks about what i say...but that´s upp to you...good luck
Yep it helps. The people here are very supportive. They care for each other.
Barb...why are you giving your power away to a man who has his own plans that don't include you??? You are a complete person without this man. Tell him to go on and live his life because you have your own life to live. He isn't worth what you are going through. People do not hurt other people the way that he has hurt you. He is into melodrama and doesn't know what he wants so you need to turn loose of this destructive situiation. Get your life back on track and learn how to live for yourself.
Hey Barb, it sounds pretty tough. And I agree it's no big ask to have someone who feels your are significant.
But we can never really know how others might feel about us, or how they might appreciate us, or in what way (consciously or unconsciously).
I know that I love my parents very much and they're massively signficant in my life but I've never told them (cause it'd be awkward and weird, hehe).
Again I don't wanna impose my own ideas on yours; just figured it was worth considering the other angle.
And, I know someone quietly seeing you as significant is not the same as one particular person who rates you high on the "signific-o-scale" but it's still worth a lot just to keep on keeping on.
It does help..