does what I'm going to do matter

I've had the majical touch that turns ordinary good things into complete crap and chaos. I strive to be perfect in my career and demand/get it from those around me. I'm sucessfull in what I do. I have failed in my relationship. I just realized what it was that she left me over, unconditional love. Yes, theonly way I realize it is because I discovered it. Oops!! to late!! Damn!! It's been a year since we split but atleast I understand it now!! I understand it so much so, that I know the people around me demand perfection from me and they think they get it, but it's a facade. My career is on the down slide. My relationship has ended. My children are almost grown. There's a big payday for them (insurance money). Bills out the wahzoo!! Unconditional love says i will never fail you. Well I've failed plenty. I'm bitter for demanding from people what I slowly bit by bit was failing at this whole time. I guess grace and mercy right now for the people around me is suicide. So, does what I'm going to do matter? NO. It'll be the most honest thing I've done.

 

I've started down the road. The same demand I have for people they have for me. I'm a shell. Filled with failure. They perform to be like me. I'm dishonest in that respect. I have to live to their standards. Hypocrite. Thats what I am. When everybody reads this I hope you understand that I never meant to betray you. Hurt you. I found out what "truth" is a year to late.

 

I totally agree with inmemoryofyou..
it matters to your children, friends and family and the 'ripple effect' that suicide has is enormous and taints the lives of so many people..

I hope you will stay around and talk to us a bit more and hopefully find a reason to stay alive..