Hey guys, this is my first post. I've been thinking about taking my own life on and off for years, and tried twice one night (I was drunk, so I don't know if that counts), I have an eating disorder, probably some undiagnosed mental health issues and a history of self-harm going back to high school. I'm a guy, if that helps any with your advice. This may be triggering, so proceed with caution. I used to burn myself a few times a month, then get better for a few months, then get back to it. I hadn't burned in nearly a year until yesterday. The reason I used to burn was because my anxieties and emotions would get too powerful to resist and when I burned my mind would focuse on the pain and then I would go numb and then forget about what I was so worried about. Yesterday I was thinking about suicide again, and it was really getting to me (I don't want to die, but I feel like I've got nothing to live for and no chance of getting better, and it's all I can think about sometimes) so I burned myself. It hurt a lot, like always, and I've got a gross little blister and second-degree burn on my arm, but it didn't make me feel any better. No, it didn't even distract me during the pain. I sat down for a few hours and combatted thoughts of suicide for a few hours before I called a friend (I didn't tell her what was going on) and just chit-chatted for a few minutes to keep myself from doing something stupid. I really do think about suicide every day. If I can't take my mind off of it with self-harm anymore, I'm afraid of what might happen to medown the line. The friend only helped a little, and one day nobody's going to answer their phone (like the night I got drunk). And I've called a helpline, the Samaratins, and found that they were not very helpful at all. I can explain the burn easily ( I work somewhere with hot surfaces everywhere) and I don't mind the pain or scarring. I just don't want to feel like dying.