doesnt matter.. *poss triggering*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kiba, Feb 26, 2012.

  1. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Just doesnt matter.. nothing seems to.. Everyone I know is deling with crap.. I cant be of any help at all.. My bad months are just sarting to hit me.. I want to cry.. And I'm moving.. across country.. with no garentees of anything.. But I know staying here my friend and I would end up on the streets anyway..

    Just.. Doesnt seem to matter.. nothing really does.. Idk.. So up and down..

    Feeling self destructive off and on.. I feel like Im only bothering ppl with every fucking word I say.. I'm only a bother to people and should shut up..

    Cant seem to help anyone and cant let my own shit out.. cept on the freaking forums.. and doesnt really matter anyway.. Why anyone cares to even open up my threads anymore idk.. I really dont matter.. Just another peice of shit more then likely going to be out there on the fucking streets..

    Can't see a therapist.. really.. And I feel so terrible.. have to leave my cat.. The only state I've ever known..

    I really got very little support.. Its just my friend Julia and I.. Just us.. and no one irl to vent to either.. no one online.. I cant.. I feel like I just need to keep my mouth shut.. or my fingers away from the keyboard..

    I am trying to be ok.. Trying to be happy.. And trying to be ok for others..

    Have self harmed a few times.. And just makes things worse..

    I harm because I blame myself.. But what for I don't know.. I just.. get so angry at myself.. Its always been because I am angry at myself.. Thats why Ive ever Self Harmed.. And I want to be in pain.. I want to just hurt myself as much as my head batters me with the shit..

    Every day feels like a constain de ja vu.. Like.. I knew this was gona happen.. I just feel so fucking useless..

    Had a dream one of the people I know here commited.. Just.. ugh.. In my dreams I was just so numb.. so numb to it.. we all die.. and whats the point.. we die one day or another.. And I just let ppl do what makes them happy.. I dont care.. If its what ppl want idk.. I know this is a pro life site.. so I'm sorry.. I just feel so numb.. near tears.. and nothing seems to matter anymore..

    I can't help anyone.. I want to.. I just can't.. and no one can help anyone but themselves..

    hate myself.. I just hate myself..
    I'm not as strong as some ppl may believe..

    I act ok.. Because Ive known how to.. And have acted "ok" all my life.. And I hate how when ppl think I'm not ok they wont talk to me.. Because they dont want me to get worse.. I'm open to a lot of topics.. and so many would assume I'd be open to all my thoughts.. because yeah.. I do talk about how I want to harm.. etc.. now and again.. idk..

    I just cant gather my fucked up thoughts right now.. I'm half crying.. I just want shit to stop..

    All I've ever wanted is a chance for things to get better.. but life seems only to be a spiril of one things after another with short periods of "ok."

    And I know this world is going to get worse.. I'm just tired of seeing all the pain.. the hurt.. the hate..

    This world needs changed.. I just don't know how..

    But doesnt matter.. I just another peice of trash flesh among so many.. Better at living this life, in this world, the way it is now.. I don't belong anywhere here..
     
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi Swift,

    My most ridiculous dreams often involve people in my lives as well....I am sorry you went through that one. If anything, I think it shows your capacity for heartfelt caring....you know, since I joined the forums in the beginning, one of the things I have really liked about you is your willingness to share and connect with others.

    Good luck with your move....you take care and I will see you around.

    :hug: