i told my therapist cutting hitting bruising doesn't work. before, it woul dhave meaning. it would signify my pain but it would also be very secretive and i would be ashamed of it kind of. if i could, i'd cut all over my body to mirror the pain inside. but it just wouldn't do the pain any justice. it's frustrating. has anybody felt these violent urges but thought, that wouldn't help. it'd be too frustrating to do that because the pain inside is more than any amount of cuts, or depth of cuts or how fucking disfigured i could make myself. inside is just wreckage. it's flesh torn apart. and it's inside of myself. and no amount of visible lacerations will help that as it's already been done. it's inside of me and it hurts when i can feel it. i can't feel it sometimes but when i can feel it i don't want to be alive and self harm is completely useless. p.s psychiatric nurses think this is a great improvement. my eating disorder has improved and there is no DSH for a long time. what they don't get is that i'm dying underneath.