i'm forgetting what i'm saying mid-sentence, and missing my train stop cuz i've zoned out. i'm watching people, generally, imagining things and i have to tell myself numerous times in my head to "stop it. wake up. focus. focus. you have to do this. you have to pay attention." i can't pay attention. and i can't fucking be like this. i can't afford to be like this. i can't remember anyfuckingthing. i'm slow to respond often to the point where my friends are like "are you ok?" and, i mean, yeah, but wtf? i'm making a lot of mistakes and doing things that don't make sense. i've been mixing up words and spellings and languages and thoughts and stories and ideas and i feel fucking stupid. i write to-do lists obsessively (i have for ages, so it's no worse than it has been) but simply reading the to-do list takes me several minutes because i'm so scattered. takes me forever to write papers (whereas a page used to take me half an hour or so, it's now around 3 hours) and someone will tell me to return their call and i'll forget and then later not remember whether or not i called them and the next day they're displeased and i'm not even trying to be displeasing. i can't remember what city i'm in sometimes so i think i'm seeing people from somewhere else i lived until it dawns on me that i'm not there anymore. i'm not being able to identify names and faces a lot, and work and school are becoming taxing and difficult as hell. i usually have my shit together. those mechanical parts of my life, at least. and i'm trying to focus. i'm trying to get more sleep and exercise and eat a little better but i'm having crazy nightmares and hallucinations and a lot is going on and i want to drink it out of me. i don't trust myself to remember anything so i write the things that i've completed down and i have so many different lists and i don't remember what they're all for. i keep losing my keys. losing my mind too, i guess. i'm doing stupid shit and it's making me frustrated daily to the point of tears. living in my head, using it for productivity, was the only thing that gave me any sense of solace and existence in the past but it's dulled into a fog and i want to climb out. i've never cried this much in my life and i really really hate it and i have no clue what to do. this crap happen to anyone else or am i just a fucking idiot?