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Don’t know what to think

Sombre

Well-Known Member
#1
Previously I posted about my fiancé’s dad. My fiancé worked with him for 70 hours a week, 10 hours a day for under minimum wage and he allowed him no time off which was straining our relationship. I then confronted him politely and said we need some time for us because we’re unhappy, he then responded with rage and calling me worthless and a ton of other insults. Now we’re dealing with his mother, she has mental health issues which I’m respective of but she takes things way too far. She is very erratic and will send tens of texts at a time firing questions and pushing limits. She said I’m dragging him down (I’m in the US on a visitors visa, I’m not allowed to work) I’m currently waiting on immigration to approve my fiancé visa then which apply for a work visa and try and find a job suited to my needs. I’m on disability money because of my severe anxiety and depression and I find daily life very hard, I contribute to the apartment and bills and pay for quite a bit as my fiancé is currently in the job seeking process. She’s demanding he “train me” in her words to become a housewife. After all of this she’s inviting us to do things for the holidays and I don’t want to as she makes me very upset and uncomfortable. Am I in the wrong? For both of them to act so callously and cruel toward me I feel like I am failing my fiancé and that they may be right, it isn’t hard to plant doubt in my mind and it’s tearing me apart
 

Sombre

Well-Known Member
#3
Sorry that this is happening.

If it's any reassurance, both his parents sound like nightmares
His dad is engaged to a heroin addict that takes his money, Being stuck with her turned him into a bitter man from what I’ve heard. His mom is just very unstable and creates problems where there aren’t any and constantly tries to get involved
 

KM76710

Kangaroo Manager
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#4
You are not in the wrong as far as I see it. You have the one life so you must do for yourself and make the most of it. Your fiance should be much more supportive of you since if you are engaged that should mean he is moving to another part of his life. His family will always be a part but there comes a time when others take precedence especially if in a long lasting relationship. It doesn't sound like he is putting forth the effort for your behalf that he should.
 
#5
Okay, so his folks make you feel like shit about your contributions to the relationship. But what does your fiance think? Because his (and yours, of course) is the only opinion that matters here.
 

Auri

🎸🎼Metal Star🎼🎸
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#6
I don't see anything here about your fiancé... His parents clearly have issues, but you shouldn't be put in that position on your own. He does have an opinion, right? Is he supportive of you and all your decisions? You don't have to do anything that you don't want to do (like go on holidays with them), especially if it's bad for your mental health, but I understand that it's hard to say no to them.
The "train me" pisses me off. I suggest not engaging with her unless she has something nice/valuable to say. You really don't have to put up with that.
 

Sombre

Well-Known Member
#7
I don't see anything here about your fiancé... His parents clearly have issues, but you shouldn't be put in that position on your own. He does have an opinion, right? Is he supportive of you and all your decisions? You don't have to do anything that you don't want to do (like go on holidays with them), especially if it's bad for your mental health, but I understand that it's hard to say no to them.
The "train me" pisses me off. I suggest not engaging with her unless she has something nice/valuable to say. You really don't have to put up with that.
My fiancé is a very closed off man, he’s not confrontational in the slightest so unfortunately he doesn’t stand up for me. He supports me and my decisions, but he never decides anything as far as his parents go I’m guessing he doesn’t want to upset anyone or be stuck in the middle, he doesn’t understand how to say no to his mom and tell her she’s being too much. She did literally say word for word to that he should train me to be a housewife, that alone made me much more uncomfortable. And Gonz, my fiancé thinks the world of me and loves me a lot, he just as I said before won’t stand up for me through fear. KM, I agree with you completely I just don’t think he knows how - he is 22 and I’m 23, and through his life he hasn’t had much to deal with, he’s never had a real partner before me so he says, he had one other girl he didn’t really communicate with and she just used him for money. He’s still learning unfortunately
 

Sombre

Well-Known Member
#8
I don't see anything here about your fiancé... His parents clearly have issues, but you shouldn't be put in that position on your own. He does have an opinion, right? Is he supportive of you and all your decisions? You don't have to do anything that you don't want to do (like go on holidays with them), especially if it's bad for your mental health, but I understand that it's hard to say no to them.
The "train me" pisses me off. I suggest not engaging with her unless she has something nice/valuable to say. You really don't have to put up with that.
Also thank you all for your responses
 
#9
You don't have to do anything that you don't want to do (like go on holidays with them), especially if it's bad for your mental health, but I understand that it's hard to say no to them.
The "train me" pisses me off. I suggest not engaging with her unless she has something nice/valuable to say. You really don't have to put up with that.
Agree with this. My wife and I did not get along with each other's families (with the exception of her mom and sister, who had already known me forever before we got together). Eventually we each just stopped talking to the other's family entirely, would immediately put the other on the phone when they called, stopped going to the other's family events and, when asked why the other didn't come, would just say "S/he knows you guys don't like him/her, and wouldn't be comfortable here."

Each of us wanted to maintain some kind of relationship with our families and knew that if we were each gonna have to defend the other every time they acted like assholes then, with all the arguments and fights that would entail, that just wouldn't be possible.

Basically "You cut off contact with my family so I don't have to, and then I'll do the same for you."

Sounds a little extreme but family dynamics can be really messed up. I'm sure we all want to say he should be defending her every time they say something shitty, but they sound like a pretty dysfunctional bunch, and we don't actually know what that would entail for him.
 

Sombre

Well-Known Member
#10
You don't have to do anything that you don't want to do (like go on holidays with them), especially if it's bad for your mental health, but I understand that it's hard to say no to them.
The "train me" pisses me off. I suggest not engaging with her unless she has something nice/valuable to say. You really don't have to put up with that.
Agree with this. My wife and I did not get along with each other's families (with the exception of her mom and sister, who had already known me forever before we got together). Eventually we each just stopped talking to the other's family entirely, would immediately put the other on the phone when they called, stopped going to the other's family events and, when asked why the other didn't come, would just say "S/he knows you guys don't like him/her, and wouldn't be comfortable here."

Each of us wanted to maintain some kind of relationship with our families and knew that if we were each gonna have to defend the other every time they acted like assholes then, with all the arguments and fights that would entail, that just wouldn't be possible.

Basically "You cut off contact with my family so I don't have to, and then I'll do the same for you."

Sounds a little extreme but family dynamics can be really messed up. I'm sure we all want to say he should be defending her every time they say something shitty, but they sound like a pretty dysfunctional bunch, and we don't actually know what that would entail for him.
Honestly to me this advice is probably what will be best for me, with what I’ve gone through with them I don’t think its extreme as most of what they do is what I consider to be extreme. My family love and adore my fiancé so that’s perfect but I will have the conversation with my fiancé that I would like to keep away from his parents. I will add that his brother is exceptionally supportive and has profusely apologised for his family, he describes them in very very bad words because they treat him horribly too
 

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