Done with 'support'

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by galalleni, Apr 22, 2008.

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  1. galalleni

    galalleni Well-Known Member

    Howdy all,

    I'm done with the whole 'support' structure - all I hear people saying when I tell them I'm feeling intensely suicidal is ::sigh:: you'll make it through ::sigh:: - or it isn't that bad - or just completely ignoring (perhaps they think it's for attention). My case worker completely ignored my financial difficulties - meaning I'll be too poor to have a case worker - meaning her hands are now clean from my blood and death). I have two sure fire methods - 100% lethality - and the means - accessible tonight. My psychiatrist simply loaded me up on meds, my parents don't give a fuck anyway (would be a relief to them). People here do the best they can and I applaud and thank them for their efforts (if only they were psychiatrists/parents/RL support system) - problem is they can't solve these real issues confronting me (nor would I expect them to - many are in the same situation I am). No OD's or cutting (note: these methods are guaranteed to fail unless your some kind of superhuman masochist [survival instinct after several hundred cuts or medical problems, e.g. ODing]) - needless to say, my method is sure fire given I can become inebriated enough to overcome any survival instinct (I have plenty of resources to inebriate me to that level). Speaking of which I have to go get booze - later.
  2. Emptysoul

    Emptysoul Well-Known Member

    I know there is proberly nothing I can do to stop you if you are so dertermined to kill yourself but PLEASE DONT KILL YOURSELF. You might think it will solve all your problems but think about what it will do to those people who know you that you will leave behind and how you will make them feel
  3. galalleni

    galalleni Well-Known Member


    Thank you for your reply (just got done with my vodka/absinthe run). If I hurt my parents I don't really mind - they turned away (along with all my aunts and uncles, my cousin when he wanted to get clean of drugs, he actually flew a few hundred miles to be around support, haha). They slammed their doors shut on him and told him it was simply a ploy for him to extort them (he had flown away from the bad influences he was around, so had no reason to extort anyone at the time). I was the one who helped him get clean so he could be around his children (he now lives happy/clean/sober with his children in Missouri now) - he took none of my money, instead he worked and earned money on his own, living with me while the 'family' scorned us (calling us druggies and the like, even though we were clean - at least he had a roof over his head and at least one family member willing to make a stand and care about him - show him love).

    My family never spent time with my grandparents - I spent more time with them (my childhood into my 20's with them, longer than their own offsprings time with them) - yet at my grandfathers funeral - they had a great feast and lots of fun - sold off all of his invaluable and precious belongings (except what I was able to 'steal', the stuff he gave me before his death because he expected as much from his children - I keep it hidden even though they say I stole things from him, which I did not, they are of no monetary value to the rest of the world, but are priceless heirlooms to me). Luckily his estate was sued (large debt) and because of the paper trail they had they had to pay every cent back - my stuff was worthless in the eyes of the estate so I now own everything he gave to me (he and I discussed physics and mathematics, so I have many of his old writings on these subjects).

    As far as I am concerned they all are staunchly religious - they did not honor their father - a cardinal sin - they can rot in hell for eternity for all I care - I would hope for nothing less. As for me - god can at least realize the torment I've been through - hell - if he doesn't then that implies he is not a benevolent god, and therefore the system would be in contradiction - so I have no fear in that realm (not to mention I don't buy into the sunday ritualists, original Christians didn't read the bible, it wasn't invented yet).

    No - all it takes is a little inebriation and a high velocity round or train to take out the drunken vagabond.

    Don't really have friends who would care - fuck - they were joking about some guy who blew his brains out in his dorm a semester ago - someone with whom they were acquainted with - and they laughed. Not really anyone else cares about me (except of course, uncle sam and my debtors, who want their fair share before I go, sorry guys - gonna have to extort the next sap).
  4. galalleni

    galalleni Well-Known Member

    Just a thought - could call the helpline - but that'd be instant attention grabber and hospitalizer - in and out in a day or two till chemical lobotomy kicks in - suicidal feelings become reality in seconds there.
  5. Emptysoul

    Emptysoul Well-Known Member

    So what do you think your cousin who you helped will feel like if you go through with it, surly he would talk to you if you wanted someone to talk to?
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Ok no platitudes or huggy huggy shit.
    We've all been there and I'm sure will be there again, but as someone once said "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem".
    Yes it all looks bleak and God knows money and jobs and all that jazz can do one's head in; but you don't know what may come.
    I once spent 6 months seeing the world in grey, I was so depressed I didnt even miss the absence of colour; till one day the colour came back. I stood transfixed at it because I really had'nt realised that the world had been monochrome.
    I know it's tough to keep going, fuck me do I :sad: but all things end even depression.
    I hope you find the strength to carry on and if not, may you go in peace :hug:
  7. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    sorry the psych appt went so badly. i have little use for psychs, myself, but i have other help like a community mental health nurse who is tough on me, but good. don't give up the fight, just yet, and don't worry too much about the future. were you able to drop some of your classes without penalty?

    it's great you were able to be there for your cousin when he needed you; now it's your turn. can you lean on him now? i know he has a family, and is some miles away, but when it's a crisis it's good to have someone you care about, and who cares for you, watching your back.

    please be careful about the drinking -- i know why you are drinking so much, but the thing is it decreases your willpower. the train might not be so tempting if you were sober. sure, it would be in your head, but i've only heard you describe going down there when you've had a few.

    finally, can you find out the helpline's policies? some hotlines will not call the paramedics on you, under any circumstances. maybe if you knew they wouldn't call someone else, you could give them a try. can it hurt to call up and before you share your feelings, just ask outright, what is your policy?
  8. galalleni

    galalleni Well-Known Member

    Howdy All,

    Not going for suicide quite yet - putting it off until the debt and failures surmount my ability to survive (have fleeting moments of wanting it to end before the difficulty kicks in, just so I don't have to feel the mental and emotional torment).

    My cousin would understand - he's been near the brink before and is alive simply to experience the journey of life because the fear of death is an incredibly hard obstacle to overcome (we've both agreed if it ever gets to be too much, we will not harbor hate or anger for the other giving up). That and he has people who depend upon him for their survival, and he is not that selfish.

    As for the national helpline here in the US, it redirects to a local helpline (for both national helplines in the country) - our local helpline is off-duty police and dispatchers trained in dealing with suicidal people - they have traces on all calls and police get dispatched just for talking with them (at least in my state - guess they figure if your calling them, your pretty serious about doing it). Last time I called one - all I did was say that years ago I was feeling suicidal, and that I was going through a lot of difficulty and just needed someone to talk to - the dispatcher started asking me what I looked like. Three police cars showed up behind me hiding behind their doors with shotguns drawn. Almost felt like rushing them and ending it all - cause hell - all I wanted at the time was someone understanding and caring to talk to. I ended up being released from the emergency room - no hospitalization (helps when you act normal around the MH nurse).

    I'm now on Zyprexa and Seroquel - no anti-depressant oddly enough.

    The date I'll be saying goodbye will be May 15th - when I'm asked to pay bills I don't have means of paying - and my school tells me I need not return next semester unless I can find a source of funding - but hell, I don't want to go back anyway, my mind will destroy and eat away at me long before then. BTW - I am now out of my dorm (the president of the university granted me a withdraw without prejudice - which is basically the same thing as failing the semester only you don't get put on academic probation) - I am living with my brother for the time being (he says I can stay, but will have to help pay all the bills - even though I have no source of income - and I don't have the energy to work).

    And about that old saying "Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems" - my life has been one long string of 'temporary problems' - no solutions. Seeking help through the MH community is more like seeking a temporary solution to permanent problems right now. Living my life in severe debt at the lowest class of society trying to find food and shelter each night (my checks from work will be garnished to my debtors, so I'll essentially be working for them with nothing in return for myself) - this is something I will not accept for my lifetime - death by suicide is much quicker and less painful than waiting the rest of my life for death to come while living in poverty.
  9. galalleni

    galalleni Well-Known Member

    Done with it all,

    Heading towards slow destruction,
    Facing the bleak future.
    Wiriting all this while I'm high as a plane in the clouds.
    Time seems to be passing me in waves of light and darkness.
    The time ends it all draws closer amd closer
    Time seems like an endless wave in the darkness
    No special glasses help me see the waves,
    the time seems to pass endlessly

    eternity is my only detruction

    can't cry on these endless tears

    flight is timeless and my mind only sees the true unreality that exists

    flying high like the birds in go through wind, time gives no creedence to where I've been or where I'm going - in the end it's only the wind

    death approaches me like a kite = soaring wothout direction

    where death is my only compion

    [owm creation]
  10. Casey.

    Casey. Well-Known Member

    If you are 'done with support', then why are you here?
  11. galalleni

    galalleni Well-Known Member


    From my first port I wasn't referring to this forum (in fact, I wish you all were support in the psych world - you have actually been there and know what it's like).

    I'm tired of psychiatrists and psychologists/LPCC's who talk and talk about the same things I've heard a million times and do nothing to confront any real issue which confronts me - just words of their training and the same monotonous message :):sigh:: don't kill yourself ::sigh:: things will work out ::sigh:: don't worry about your problems until it's too late).

    I apologize if it came off as me rejecting the support of members here, just the opposite is true, you all have helped me stay alive yet another day (thank you dazzle!) by listening to me vent my frustration and sadness and giving me options on where and how I can continue with such a bleak future and life before me.

    I am now up on my Zyprexa and seroquel - keeps the voices and hallucination down - but depression is still lingering (severely - May 14th is still my set departure date).

    The reason I still post here is that, well, I suppose there is a part of me which wants to know how one can cope or survive in this insane and horrific world.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 27, 2008
  12. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    anytime, galalleni, anytime. i have been on a yoga/meditation/breathing retreat these past 4 days (last day is tomorrow) and so haven't been online too much. still, i've been popping in to see how you are doing. my hope for you is that some time before the 15th, the universe shows you some other options. in the meantime, don't forget: stay away from those tracks!
  13. galalleni

    galalleni Well-Known Member

    Just took a ton of Zyprexa and Seroquel - suprised I;m able ro write his messahe, had lots of voodksa - think I;m sying- mt legs wonr srop movinff and I'mm real riedd, my whole bofyh itchess - maybe I shojuld het some hekp - just want to sit here thoudjj.
  14. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    please get it checked out? is there someone who can give you a lift to the ER? your brother? red, itchy and twitchy doesn't sound good! i know part you wants to just sit there, but put that other part in charge, the part that wants to get some help. let me know what happens?
  15. galalleni

    galalleni Well-Known Member


    Drank more vodka - symptoms are not quite so bad anymore. Feeling intensely suicidal though. My legs seem to be uncomfortable in any position, and my body itches all over (not as bad as earlier) - gonna avoid the doctors (maybe this will be fatal, don't want to avoid that). Don't want to call for help - get stuck in a hospital right now for sure. Forced into living with my parents now - too bad they've locked the 12 gauge in a safe they won't give me access to because of my history. Train tracks are far away from here - so no danger there. If I drive I'd get pulled over - perhaps take my knife and run at the cops - they could do me in. Just want all this pain and suffering on my shoulders to go away - can't delude myself into thinking it's all alright. Hopefully people understand. Good bye.
  16. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    I hope this turns out to be a 'good night' and not 'good bye' even though that's what you desperately want right now. I can only repeat what I 've said before, what happened to you was terrible and you did not deserve any of it. You were a kid, an innocent kid. It is such a shame that nobody stepped forward to get you the help you so badly needed, but it wasn't because you were not worthy (maybe that's what you believe). It's not true. The adults around you fucked up and let you down.

    Please try and stay safe. I won't try and convince you about the hospital, I know why you don't want to go there, but try and sleep it off. Don't make any decisions about ending your life right now, and don't take any actions. Just rest. Rest and let yourself heal.
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