Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by idontknow22, Aug 16, 2014.

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  1. idontknow22

    idontknow22 Member

    At this point I can't say there's much that I haven't gone thru in life. and I think I'm all set.
    Turned 25 recently, a quarter century & nothing to show for it. Yeah I'm still young & blah blah blah. Only chronologically. Body & mind are a different story.

    To throw out just a sliver of my background..
    I've been bouncing around the south a bit since April in search of stability. You know, get a job, apartment, etc. The normal, simple stuff people do. That's all I've ever wanted. Simplicity. If I could work a job that I could handle & pay my rent each month, then I'd be happy. Long story short, nothing has ever worked out for me, ever, & the harder I try the harder I fall.
    I cannot hold a job to save my life. I've worked about 9 different ones since age 18 up til now. I've no problem getting jobs (clean record, drug-free, good work ethic, etc) but keeping them has proved impossible due to my underlying issues & thus I've either had to quit or be let go of each one. Simple, low-paying jobs, I can't keep. Yes I've done vocational training a few times in the past as well.
    I'm in no way new to mental illness. Since I've obtained a memory, it's all I've ever known. As a 5y/o I used to beg my dad to take me home from Sunday School cause I was terrified of people. Til this day, I still am. I'm calmer when I isolate, when I'm alone. But that does no good in life.
    To say the least, I'm no stranger to depression, anxiety (a big one), social phobia, hypomania/bipolar, nonverbal learning disability, some attention problems..
    I've gone thru abnormal amounts of various therapy throughout my life, including individual psychotherapy, group therapy, family therapy, speech therapy.. I've been on several different medications, none of which were probably ever right for me.
    I had to go to a therapeutic high school as I couldn't function in normal ones. I've been hospitalized several times, first time was after my suicide attempt at age 14. I truly wanted to die, told no one, & since I spent the next 2 days throwing up pills, I failed. 11 years later & I think this is the first time since I've actually considered another attempt quite like I have been.
    Current situation? I'm not trying anymore jobs. I won't go thru the letdowns anymore. Been denied disability benefits 10 times in the state I used to live (RI) since they only give them to the people who don't need it & shit on the ones who actually do. I could apply for here now in a different state but everything takes time & I'm so mentally & physically worn down. Immune system is shot. Sick as always. And I've been homeless. I like to think of some of what I've gone thru as an adventure. I don't know. I broke into an abandoned trailer in Nashville & lived in it for a few days until I woke up one day & couldn't breathe. Sleeping in fields, parks, brick yards, random places.. I stayed at a shelter one night but social anxiety got so bad that I had to run out.
    My family isn't much more than blood. I've lost my only friend of 10yrs & did nothing to deserve her to act how she did.
    I've tried too hard for too long. Officially out of options & running low on tears to shed. No longer do I know what to do, where to go, or who to trust. But when you have nothing & no one, you no longer have to worry about losing anything.

    I'm not quite sure why I'm posting this because no, its not going to get better. Yes it only can go up from here. But only to go back down again. I've been doing that rollercoaster for too long, while writing the same thing in my journals for years- that I can still see the shimmer of hope. I kept telling myself that, but now that I've acknowledged deep down that the shimmer was just a figment of my imagination to begin with, I've always known in my heart that it's only a matter of time before I catch on to my own lies that I use to keep myself going. When the pain of reality sets in, I know what to do. I'll make it clear tho that I'm not looking for pity.
    Perhaps the reason I'm posting is to vent, journals don't talk back as well as they listen. & because maybe someone will read this & see that THEY still have that shimmer of hope I lost long ago, that there's still hope for others. That their life isn't so bad after all.

    As for me I'm all too well aware that I'm beyond help, & no matter how much I wish someone would talk to me out of believing this, I may listen & feel all awesome for like 2 seconds, but at the end of the day I know the truth first hand & that no matter how hard I try, I'm always back where I started. From scratch.

    Funny how falling feels like flying.. at least for awhile. Sometimes I forget which way is up.
  2. Sad&Bipolar

    Sad&Bipolar Active Member

    Have you investigated a type of job where you can work from home? If people terrify you, I can see how it would be difficult to go to a workplace full of people. Working in a store would difficult too. Are you good on the computer? How are your math skills? Doctors and chiropractors like to farm out insurance billing to people to work part time at home. Having a few clients like that would be like working full time, except there are no medical benefits. It would provide an income, though. Have you thought about continuing your education? There are so many opportunities to work on studies online where you would not have to attend a class on a college campus.

    You want simplicity, but that doesn't mean you can't be creative in devising a job well suited to your needs.

    Something to think about, anyway.

    I fully understand when you say that things can only go up when you are at the bottom, then when you are up, they can go back down again. It's like that for me. I have Bipolar 1, and my moods are up and down like a yo-yo all the time. If you just accept that this is going to happen, it can be easier to develop some coping skills for the down times.

    Hope is elusive for those of us with mental health issues. It is so hard to hold onto it. However, the one sure way to overcome obstacles is by having hope. I wish you could discover hope somewhere inside. I wish I could too.

    This is a good place to vent. Don't give up just yet. Keep posting here. Let others respond. Read the posts of others, and try to encourage someone else. When you help a peer, it helps you to feel a bit better.

    If you ever just want to talk to one person, PM me. I'll listen.
  3. idontknow22

    idontknow22 Member

    Sad&Bipolar, I agree with you completely. and at this point just trying to take life one day at a time. I would love to do any type of school, but cannot, period. Even online. Too many concentration problems & cannot retain much info. I have trouble "reading between the lines" & comprehending/analyzing info. All things that classes of any sort require. My learning disability just makes it really tough. It's why I couldn't attend regular school growing up. That said, it always seems that jobs you can work from home usually require some type of degree, certificate, or relevant skill/experience. I do however appreciate the suggestions & your response. I'm trying to regain hope now. It's tough tho.
  4. Sad&Bipolar

    Sad&Bipolar Active Member

    I am glad you are trying to find hope. Hope is the key to survival.

    Life with learning disabilities must be tough. I am glad you are able to write so well, though. You express yourself quite well. I hope you will continue to use that skill to keep posting here. I find writing about my emotions quite helpful. I also use some other sites:; NAMItalks; OneHealth; CrisisChat; and challenge.

    Be kind to yourself! Viv.
  5. idontknow22

    idontknow22 Member

    Sad&Bipolar, I actually appreciate your ability to see that- I suppose being able to express myself thru writing (but not so well verbally or in speech) is a strength that I've obtained over the years thru stacks of journals & vast amounts of therapy. Its pretty much all I've got, & it helps. I'll check out the other sites you gave me, especially since I'm not feeling so well again tonight. Thanks.
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