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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sutherngrl, Nov 19, 2014.

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  1. Sutherngrl

    Sutherngrl New Member

    I have always been that person whom tried to cheer others up. I have always been the supportive one. About 15 years ago, we got a phone call that my mother in law had died. Shocking to the family is putting it mildly. She was the glue that held us all together. I felt I needed to take over that matriarchal role. Over the next years our family started dropping like flies. My mother, father, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and several friends. We averaged 2/yr for 10 years. At this point, the total is 25. Needless to say, it would be daunting to anyone. Three years ago, we decided to pick up our family and move to be closer to what little family was left. Without boring you with all the details; it feels like that was the biggest mistake of my life. My son has become depressed and he has seemingly given up. The family hasn't tried to even get to know him. I had fallen back into some old habits that I worked so hard to conquer (I've managed to get them under control again). My husband (although I love him dearly) had checked out on the parenting. Mostly because he's at a loss for what to do. There is so much more to the story but in short, I find myself thinking a lot lately of checking out myself. Only for good. I feel like I am constantly being made to feel like everything is my fault. Financially-because I haven't finished nursing school. Relationship-because depression has held me hostage, etc....I feel like if I am gone, then they would be forced to move on. Maybe my husband would then find someone with the ambition he desires; affording the "better life" that I know he wants. Life has exhausted me. The only reason I haven't taken my life so far is for fear of the pain those I love will endure. I can feel myself getting numb to that lately. If I talk to someone about this, I usually get the "others have it worse" argument OR "hang in there, it'll pass". I am aware others have it worse but that statement does nothing but anger me. I have always given 1000% of myself to others & now that I need support, I'm being told to 'get over it' because OTHERS have it worse?! The majority of me just wants to write letters to those I love and check out. I feel myself becoming numb.
     
  2. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I have mental illness and it hasn't passed or gone away. Luckily I don't have people telling me that it will pass or get over. A few times my dad told be sometimes you just have to pull yourself out of it. I would if I could but I can't. I would be upset if people were telling me those things. Only you know the suffering that you feel.
     
  3. Sutherngrl

    Sutherngrl New Member

    Honestly, I stopped trying to talk to others about my feelings a while ago. Since I had always been the positive one, I guess those around me expected me to snap out of it. For the last 10 yrs or so, I have learned to just keep it inside with the exception of talking to my husband. Those conversations inevitably end with him asking me what we can do...... I just don't know. I don't have the desire anymore to "talk" to anyone that may or may not understand or who may or may not be able to help me. If I felt strong enough to find my own answers, I would have by now. The thing is: I'm not so sure that medicating me will help. I will still be stuck in the same life. Finding this forum was a huge step (for me) towards something. I almost felt ok today. I just think it has more to do with getting closer to making that decision; the decision to check out. I do appreciate the (I get it) support. That's something I hadn't heard til now. I hope we can all find our peace.
     
  4. ToughItOut

    ToughItOut Member

    PM me if you need to talk to someone who isn't an "expert" but who understands 100% what you're going through.
     
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