I really don't care anymore. I'm tired of trying and hitting walls. I'm tired of being miserable. I can't get any fucking relief. If I didn't have my wonderful boyfriend or my cats I don't know where I'd be right now or even if I would still be alive. This is the first time in years I feel like I'm unable to stop myself from the self harm urges and I am scared if I start then I will go all the way and do something drastic. I'm so fucking exhausted I keep getting knocked down and up again and knocked down and I just want to scream and punch and kick and honestly I just want to die. I'm tired of rejection and failure and trying so hard to make things work and to stay fucking positive. Well I'm about to just say fuck it. Stop fucking trying so hard. Then maybe things will actually go well for me.